Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Title: Cherry blossom
By: Erin Jones
Prologue
It was during the year of 1860, when I was brought to this strange place. My foster care mother was lacking money and had trouble keeping food on the table for the kids. When a business man came by one day; I got dragged out of my cot. I’ll always remember that day; the pain increasing throughout my head from the man pulling my hair while I watched his cold eyes seep into me. The girl named Ayame who shared my cot was crying and pulling my arm. Trying to keep me to stay; it wasn't like I wanted to go nor had a choice. Then mother was crying feciously and apologizing as this man forcibly dragged me away from the only home I knew.
As we left the foster home he put a blindfold over my eyes and tied my hands. I assumed it was to make sure I couldn't try and escape. Even so I continued to fight with him but eventually he gave up and tossed me over his shoulder. It sounded like we walked for quite a while and then suddenly came to an unanticipated stop. He almost dropped me because of it.
“Couldn't you be gentler?!” I yelled at him. He scoffed then tossed me in the back of what felt like a carriage. Another man spoke to him whom had an English accent but when he responded back, it was such a foreign language to me at the time. It terrified me not to know what was going on. Within seconds a man’s voice echoed along with a whipping sound. The hooves from a few horses started pounding on the stoned road.
While sitting in the carriage seeing nothing but darkness ahead of me, my other senses started to kick in. I heard voices speaking languages I've never heard be spoken before. Random yelling or screaming, even just normal conversations and animals sounds that would come one second and be gone the next. Sometimes it’ll be so noisy to where it’ll make my head hurt and then quiet to where I could hear the wind’s lonely whistle singing their song. Although, I had several sounds to occupy my time; only thoughts of home intervened my terrifying journey.
According to mother they found me wrapped up in several clothes within a basket. The basket was in a temple right beneath the statue of Jesus. They were frightened from the sight of it. Mother said “The eyes from the statue were bleeding and the blood itself was dripping onto your forehead. The priest that comes to visit us frequently and who is a consociate with this foster care; thought that you would be a blessing in disguise. I must admit; I tried telling her no, I didn't want you that you would cause hell for this foster care. But she wouldn't allow me to reject you, she was so fascinated with you it was mortifying but beautiful at the same time. The love that showed within her eyes when she held you was sickening at sight.” It was shortly after I turned sixteen when she informed me about that memory I had forgotten. Maybe just maybe it was because of the insult from Jesus that made me forget about the helpful priest. At least, that’s how I see it anyway after having time to think about it.
After a while, we finally came to a stop. The carriage shifted from the man in the front getting off. Fear sunk in again as I heard the man’s boots hitting the stoned road. Each step slowly echoed as if they wanted to make my fear worsen. The sound of his footsteps stopped at the end of the carriage.
Next thing I knew the carriage’s door flew open and hands started grabbing at me. I fought and fought as much as I could. I was so scared of the hands that felt foreign to me that I couldn't distinguish which one’s were males or females.
One of them grabbed a hold of my ankle. That hand gripped tightly, making me wince and dragged me towards the end of the carriage and tried to throw me over his shoulder. I could hear my own screams echo throughout the area. Just then a male’s voice started echoing shortly after mine. “Is that anyway to treat a woman!” his voice had an accent that I couldn't recognize but his English was fluent enough for me to understand.
He spoke again and this time everyone froze and fear filled the air around us. “I thought I taught you better than this? You are my servants your behavior is on me, if you mess up it’ll ruin our reputation. Set her down, we’ll talk about your punishments later.” The one that had me flung over his shoulder sat me down. I tried to stand up even though I was shaken from fear. “What are you still doing here? you’re dismissed.” The man’s voice was intimidating yet like a sheet of silk running smoothly through my fingers. “Hai!” All of them spoke and I heard their footsteps get further away as they left. I wasn't sure what that meant but I assumed it was a form of yes.
When they left, I felt weak in the knees and collapsed on the ground. My body was too numb to feel the pain from hitting the hard stone. “Gomensai, I’m unsure of the reason why they treated you that way. I’ve never seen them act like this before.” The man’s voice was quiet and gentler this time. That same wood tapping sound started up again from his shoes, I was curious about what was causing that odd sound. It stopped abruptly as silence replaced it for a few seconds. In that moment the blindfold was taken off and he was sitting on his knees right in front of me.
The sun was bright from being blindfolded for so long. I looked around and noticed how beautiful this place was. It seemed like it was in an L shape. One side was to the right and it seemed endless though I haven’t got to explore. Then the left side was about the same length. The main entry way was a sliding door but it looked like there were several of them. I suppose they were bedrooms? The design was completely different from back at the foster care yet it was mesmerizing in a way. After looking at the house, I finally started observing the outside. There was a fountain on the left side where several different kinds of flowers surrounded it. A walk way next to coming from the entry way to where the man and I sat. On the other side of it were more flowers and a tree that blossomed extremely beautiful pink flowers. I just realized that the ground was covered in their petals I wondered what type of tree it was.
A laugh escaped the man’s lips making me jump in surprise. I was so mesmerized by the scenery that I had forgotten he was sitting in front of me. “The tree that you’re admiring is a cherry blossom tree, the towns here are surrounded by them, they're admired for their beauty.” I blinked several times not knowing what to think of this man. I wasn't sure what type of clothes he was wearing it only looked like a single cloth was wrapped around his body. He had long blonde hair that was kept in a ponytail and dashing blue eyes as deep as the ocean. If you didn't get a close look at him at first glance, you could most likely mistaken him for a woman he was that beautiful.
“Oh, Gomensai. I haven’t properly introduced myself I am Taki momoki. I’m the owner of this house. I imagine you've had a long journey and several questions.” He bowed down slightly. “uhm…” I was confused. Yes, I had several questions, I just didn't know where to start. I was also still grieving from being taken from my home. “How about we get off of this hard ground and I’ll answer as many questions as you like when you feel up to it.” He stood up in what seemed like a proper way for their kind and reached his hand out to me. “Can you stand?” I wasn't sure if I could stand since my knees were still weak. Either way I took his hand and tried to stand up. The instant I straightened my knees a bit, they collapsed on me again.
While I closed my eyes from fright, I was waiting to feel the painful pinch from hitting the ground. What I felt instead were his arms wrapping around my waist catching me. “I’ll take that as a no, don’t worry yourself about it.” Suddenly one of his arms went under my legs and picked me up bridal style. “W-wait, I can walk.” His stomach rumbled from laughing. “Didn't I just say not to worry about it? I expected as much because of everything you've been through the past couple days.” When he looked down at me, we made eye contact. My face felt hot and I was positive, I was blushing like an idiot. I’m in a man’s arms that I don’t know. I’m also at a place that I have no clue where it’s located, I wasn't even sure if I was still in my own country. Yet, I was blushing like a child, I felt so ashamed.
Taki, as he called himself; carried me into the house and sat me down on a cushion type thing in front of I guess you would call it the eating area. The decorations of inside the house including the furniture were all so strange. “Since we’re in a more comfortable state, what questions do you want me to answer?” he sat down on the other side well more like laid down. Resting on one arm with his other arm resting on a knee that he had propped up. The cloth type thing he was wearing was quite large considering he had a lot of room to move around. “I have too many to ask and I don’t want to be rude to ask all of them at once. I've never been in a place like this before.” Where would I even start?
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This was a pleasure to read. Your words have a way of capturing a magical setting. Keep in mind, though, elaboration is always helpful in setting description.
BOOM! You need to really strike your reader with the event of the girl being dragged out of her cot. Put some more detail into the initial sentence. "Ripped screaming from my cot" "torn from my cot and my world with it" Something like that to catch your reader in the air of surprise and suspense that can help in these scenes.
You seem to have trouble with commas. This is a pretty common problem, so I'll give you a rundown:
Commas are often used after an introductory phrase in a sentence. For example: "When a businessman came by one day, I got dragged out of my cot." Put the comma in the separate phrase just before the action. This problem turns up in "As we left the foster home, he put a blindfold over my eyes," "Even so, I continued to fight with him, but eventually he gave up," and "He scoffed, then tossed me"
Basically, you use them to separate the sentence's main action from the other information, or to link two sentences together. (At least, I think that's how it works.)
I'd suggest you go over this piece again and get to using commas. They can often increase the story's flow tenfold.
Your word choice is decent, but it's nothing special. It could be much better. Your style of description is realistic and fitting, so no complaints there.
I look forward to seeing how this goes down. This is Japan, right? Well, this was a great read, so arigatou gozaimasu.
-Chaser
Thank you for the advice i'll keep it in mind. It is plotted in Japan so I'm a little nervous that it's the first book I've written based in Japan. But I'm hoping it turns out well.
Hi eray20,
I love this story! It is captivating and intriguing, I can't wait to find out what happens next. I liked how you italicized mother. It gave it almost a sarcastic feel because she was forced to call her mother and she was not her actual mother. I might be mistaken but have you given your character a name yet? I'm sorry if I missed it but that is an important thing to do if you want your reader to connect with the character.
From the way you describe the place she was taken to a eastern Asian country. If she came from what I assume was England. How did she get across all of Europe and Asia in a few days?
I realize I probably got these places wrong but the duration of the trip is confusing to me.
Overall this is a very well written beginning of the prologue, (though I feel this fits better as a first chapter that a prologue unless there is a major time jump between the prologue and the first chapter). I am excited to see what else this story entails! And as always, keep writing.
-Incohesive Scribbles
Her name hasn't been revealed yet not until a little further. That will be a little twist so I do apologize if it confused you a bit. The other country she's going to is Japan originally. As I said in the earlier reply it's my first novel with this type of time period and genre so I'm a little nervous. I hope you guys continue to read it and keep letting me know where I screw up. Thank you for the encouragement.