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by envy

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215 Reviews

Points: 630
Reviews: 215

Wed Sep 27, 2023 8:29 pm
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creaturefeature wrote a review...

hello! welcome to yws btw!

okay so i already commented, but i figured i'd leave a review because WOW this poem hit me really hard. i think it's gonna stick with me for a while.

i press my fingers into peony petals
feeling their density, cold, even in summer

this is such a strong image to start on and i absolutely love it! the language is so striking to me, esp with the "feeling their density" part. i'm gonna be real, i have no clue what that means. yknow, that's what poetry is about though. you have the creative liberties to write literally whatever you want! i think your ability to concisely tie together all of this "miscellaneous" imagery is amazing!

i was looking into peony symbolization when i first read this, but nothing came up. i think it could've been really neat if you played around with that!

you feel like the sun, you feel like warm water in kiddie pools
& grass on bare feet, messy,
muddy, just like the color of your eyes

oh my goodness i love these lines

i wish there was more about the eyes though. honestly, i could say that about the whole idea of the other person in this poem. there are some kind of romantic undertones i get from the second stanza, but nothing is concrete enough to say for sure. i would love to get a clearer view of who the narrator is, yknow? nostalgia and growing up are big themes, but i can't see much working off of them. each image is connected, yet too distant to pull together a bigger picture.

i find it second nature like bike riding
until you fall for the first time

i really like the idea behind this! i like how it ties in to the 4th stanza a lot, and it even foreshadows what happens in it. i just wish the description was a little different? "until you fall for the first time" doesn't pack the same punch as most of your imagery in the previous lines. i don't mind it at all though! i just think it's not the best example of your poetic voice being used.

bike riding could also be a metaphor for something else. i'd assume growing up? learning how to ride a bike is a huge milestone, so it would make sense. it truly IS one of those things considered "second nature" to people for that reason. the whole poem is a great reflection on that, but it's especially clear in that line! summer is a time for putting the past behind us anyway.

i think about how everything is so beautiful

again, really stunning line! i love how it contrasts with the gritty image of "gravel in my palms" and how the narrator's mother "kissed their bleeding hands." i think that's great juxtaposition with the previous stanzas!

i wake up every morning like i've just been reborn

okay okay okay THIS LINE

this is the line that really made this poem stick out to me. it's a basic idea in all honesty, but there's something about the execution that makes it special to me. it just hits different, yknow? i think it concludes your poem perfectly and i can't imagine another ending for this. it's gorgeous!

overall, this has to be one of my favourite poems i've read on here in a long time. i can't wait to read more poetry from you!


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161 Reviews

Points: 16601
Reviews: 161

Wed Sep 27, 2023 4:35 am
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OrabellaAvenue wrote a review...

Hiya! I'm Orabella here with a short review.

Welcome to Young Writers Society! We hope your stay is pleasant among the towers of stories and the never-ending forum files filled with young writers across the globe.

I don't think I've read a poem (or story for that matter) that has an & symbol. And now I'm wondering why not because it's really cool! Rather than saying "and", you can say & and it somehow means the same thing! Incredible. It's interesting that you use that symbol, also that you didn't use any capitals. Same with the title; it's interesting that all the words are squished together. I understand that in a lot of poems, that is something done a lot, but I never understood why. Why do some poets choose not to use capital letters? Why do they use symbols in their text? Why don't others do that too? What is the meaning behind it all? (You don't have to answer any of that, but if you happen to know, I'd love if you could share that with me.)

I really like the first verse because of the imagery. I can perfectly imagine the summer setting with the fragrant flowers, and feel their touch on my own skin. I love when poems can create those pictures like that.

I love the reminiscent feeling of this; the way the character is remembering the past is told in such a thoughtful and it just gives me good feelings.

Thank you for writing and sharing this, and I'd love to see more of your work. Never forget to keep writing!

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13 Reviews

Points: 27
Reviews: 13

Wed Sep 27, 2023 2:56 am
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farq4d says...

I absolutely loved your poem. The part of this poem that spoke the most to me was "nostalgia tastes sweet but its hard to wash off of your hands."

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16 Reviews

Points: 614
Reviews: 16

Tue Sep 26, 2023 10:37 pm
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Lullaby says...

Not a review, just a comment, I really enjoy and love this poem and all the components to it. <3

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215 Reviews

Points: 630
Reviews: 215

Tue Sep 26, 2023 10:35 pm
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creaturefeature says...

"i wake up every morning like i've just been reborn"

WOW that is def a line that's gonna be sticking with me for a while oh my

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442 Reviews

Points: 6852
Reviews: 442

Tue Sep 26, 2023 10:31 pm
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Horisun wrote a review...

Hello, and welcome to the Young Writers Society! I hope you're having a good day thus far.

The title of this piece caught my attention. I like the way you forwent the common conventions of grammar and capitalization, both there and all throughout the piece. It's always fun to see!

But what I absolutely adored about this poem was your evocative language. Your line about the other person's eyes was my favorite, but I also really liked the bit just before that-

you feel like the sun, you feel like warm water in kiddie pools

-quite frankly, that whole stanza rocks; but you see it throughout the entire piece as well.

This is a small nitpick, and I'm not even sure it's entirely necessary to point out because I really like the poem as it is, but I noticed that you use a lot of filter words. As a general rule, filter words are usually frowned upon because they can place a barrier between the reader and the narrator. This doesn't always mean they should be cut entirely! In fact, I think the word "feel" works fine in the first stanza. However, this line-

i think about how everything is so beautiful

-might work better if it was reframed to exclude "i think." This is my subjective experience, but as the reader, I felt a dash of cognitive dissonance between myself and this line.

All in all, though, this was a wonderful read! I loved your use of imagery, and how lyrical this whole thing felt! Once again, welcome to the site, and have a great day! :D

Okay, first of all, who names their dinner? I don't want to know my dinner's name. This potato--is this potato named Steve?
— Rick Riordan, The Sword of Summer