You say
I live inside
An icy shell
That you’re sick of trying to crack.
You say
I push people away
Because I don’t want to seem
Human.
You say
I’d rather walk
Through this world all alone
Than let someone in.
You say
I refuse to believe in God
Because I refuse to believe
I’ll have to pay for my sins.
You say
I think being ‘vulnerable’
Means showing the world
I have feelings.
You say
I deny myself
Human contact
Out of pure stubbornness.
And guess what?
You’re right.
Now fuck off.
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137,638 Literary Works • 672,056 Reviews
Hmm, I didn't really like it. I was wavering liking it or not liking it, but the last line decided in favor of the latter.
Haha, I love it. Attitude in a poem, nice. And so true for so many people, ccould use some work though, but good so far.
you did a good poem nice ending
Hey Pink! Don't think that your stalker has forgotten about you!
Awesome poem, and I don't think there's a problem with it not flowing well. It feels choppy and I think it's supposed to feel choppy because of the subject matter. It's full of accusations going both ways, and accusations rarely flow nicely. They're short and angry, which is exactly what this poem is.
The only thing I took issue with was "you" - we never find out who "you" is (are?). You're the author, of course, so every decision you make in your poetry is yours by definition, but I think it would have made the poem much more effective, interesting, and personal. It feels personal already, but I would have gone the extra mile and told the world exactly who it is that's p-ssing me off so much! It's just a little bit odd when people rant but don't really say what they're ranting about... and if it's too personal, why post in the first place?
But I digress. That issue aside, I loved the poem! I have to say that I'm more of a fan of your prose, but that's just me. Best of luck with your writing.
Your servant,
cC
Hey there emoinpink!
First off, as far as your flow problem goes, I recommend checking out “Flow” (by Jon) as well the other link he provides inside of the tutorial because he gives some generally great tips on working out flow problems that I’ve used from time to time myself.
I’ve never really had a problem with any sort of language in any literary piece but I think you have to learn when to use it correctly. In some instances, it enhances it but to be honest, I’d almost think you’re better off without that last line. Without it, you almost create more of a cliffhanger that leaves readers saying, “Really, that’s it?” but it a good way.
You always want to leave them wanting more.
Overall, though your main problem is like what paperbackheart said.
Your lines are very short and choppy which can be a bit of a problem in poetry and this is the main reason why your flow feels disrupted. Your poem is metaphorically anorexic. You need to stuff a German chocolate bunt cake with dark chocolate frosting and coconut shavings down its throat just to get a little meat on it.
Occasionally, a very stripped-bare poem works but not often will you see one unfortunately because it’s difficult to create an effective poem with so little.
I would recommend reading this poem, I Didn’t Mean You by Emilie Autumn. It’s a wonderful poem and theme is very similar to yours so hopefully it will point you in the right direction. ^^
If you have any questions about anything, feel free to contact me.
~lilymoore
emoinpink,
I completely suck at poetry, so you can ignore this if you wish ... but personally I think that this is really good. ^_^ I like the way that you worded things and the emotion behind the poetry. (I'm gonna cheat here...) I do agree with Paperback, however. If you can increase the flow, it'll be great! Oh, another thing! You could maybe even make this into a song, if you wanted. That'd be cool.
Hope I helped!
~ Moonlight
The lines are a bit too short and concise. Maybe you should fit some more metaphors in it, like the beginning one. Like maybe compare your feelings to a ship in the bottle. (Feelings are bottled up like the ship? Get it?) I'm sorry, I am really terrible at this. Feel free to ignore this.
I did get the feeling in this and the end made me smile. I like it. Just needs to flow better, tis all and then it shall be great!!