Published April 30, 2010
For a while you left me.
For a while you pushed me away.
You are coming back,
You are talking to me,
Laughing with me, and embracing me once more.
Your eyes still make me melt.
I wonder if you notice my feelings.
I hope you realize my love.
I long to be yours,
And I will prove I can.
Let me show you,
I am strong,
I am willing to live with whatever happens.
I wished to be yours,
So let me show you.
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140,826 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I like this except for the fact that it makes me kind of mad haha. My friend is living this right now and it annoys me that she likes the guy she does. Anyway I really like your rhyme, and I like that it's not purely infactuation like most of these poems are.
Keep Writing
-Flower-
Hi there!
Hmm, this was an interesting poem, and I'm not quite sure what to think of it. It's certainly good-you have a nice rhythm and flow-but the subject matter seems a little iffy.
I especially didn't like the first stanza. If the narrator's partner left, they probably did it for a reason, so why is the narrator being all demanding and like, "You will come back to me"? In my opinion, that would just make the partner hate your narrator even more. It doesn't sound as desperate as it should be.
When you revise this, think of what kind of message you want the reader to walk away with, what they want them to think of your character. Is it a story of longing and passion, or a story of greed and demanding? You decide.
Hope this helps, and PM me if you have any questions.
-Elinor xo
Hello Emmy!
Ok so this poem was quite nice. I liked the idea that the MC or the voice of the poem wasn't just infatuated with their lover but they were actually trying to prove something to them. That was nice and refreshing twist on the poem and it kept it from being too cliche.
There were some issues with rhythm in this, particularly in this section:
The first two lines are short, which was really nice and gave it a kind of chorus feel but the last line didn't fit because it was too long with too many syllables.
How about breaking the last line up like this:
Or something like that
This wasn't the only area where rhythm was an issue. Try reading your poem aloud and you will see how it sounds and where you need to adjust things. There were a couple of cliche phrases in here:
Try to be original and maybe you could use some more imagery rather than just feelings and emotions. Beautiful love poems can be created with a little imagery
Overall, I quite liked it. It was quite a nice little twist on a classic poem about love.
If you have any questions with what I have written then please feel free to PM me.
I hope this will help you to improve.
Keep Writing,
~Lydia