Prologue
It is one note that means life, the gentle beep that echoed around the walls of the white room. A blue line climbed high and low in sync with an organ that contracted and relaxed. Green liquid walked through tubes like silent soldiers going to war. A pen danced across paper, creating numbers and letters that came together to make notes.
A child, the age of 15, lay on the medical bed. Her starved frame rose like calm waves of a beach. Her eyes wear closed like the cocoon of a caterpillar. A white gown rapped around her. Two men in their own white cloaks and surgical masks strapped to their faces. Their hair wrapped in a blue protective head gear, they peered down at the sleeping child.
“Prepare her,” a doctor said. White Velcro was used to strap her thin wrists to the metal railings of the bed.
The same was done to her ankles. They removed the tube from the needle that was sedating her, and replaced it with another tube with a green liquid. Her hands twitched as it entered her body. It mixed around with her blood cells. The beeping of the monitor quickened as her heard beat fastened. Her body shook and twisted, her eyes remaining shut. The doctors stood back, and watched with a sense of unease.
Her heart was beating fierce, each beat forcing her chest to shake. The green liquid clawed into her cells, and wrapped around her DNA, before breaking it and changing it. Her eyes flicked open, and they saw that the iris turned from a blue to a starting green. She let out a shrilling scream.
“It is done,” the doctor said.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I have only one problem with this story. I found several spelling mistakes, other than that there's no issues, so you just need to be aware of the words you are using. Other than that lets see; I enjoy the main idea of it, and also it's very interesting way to start out. Perhaps she shouldn't be called a child though, considering it says 15, only because when I think of a child I think of a kid under the age of 13. So other than those few things you have a great story here, this genre of story is over used though so you know. A lot of people write stories similar to this about experimenting with people, so I would recommend having a twist that makes yours stand out from the others. I have a story that has to do with such things and I made sure I have a way to make it different from others I have read. This is a great Prologue though, and I will read more for sure.
Hi there.
So as I read there were just a few things that I thought I'd point out to you.
To begin with in chapter one. You wrote
I don't think that this simili really belonged there. It ruined the mood that you set.and then there's this part:
I don't think it's common to call 15 year olds a 'child' most likely a 'kid'.
and also:
You need to use effective similis or just word it out in an interesting/normal way. You are trying to set a tense setting so the words you use to explain that matters.
When you wrote head gear, it made me think helmet and that stuff when you ment that hat thing that doctors wear. So for the most part the thing you mostly had a little problem with wording.
You did a good job. Although I had to re-read the first paragraph to get that it was a hospital. It was a bit confusing. But still, I liked it.
Edit your work for minor easily spotted mistakes like this:
You did good with building suspence. I want to know what happens to that girl.
I hope this helped.
-Zo
Hey, this is great, seeing as others have pointed out the spelling mistakes, then I won't. But you really have a talent for writing. Keep it up!
~Wolfy
Emilybrodo,
Excellent prologue, it's a shame there's not a title to this yet :c I am actually intrigued, because I love these scifi-ish/horrorish/crazy experimentish stories. I can't wait to see where this will go! So as for the prologue itself, I think it does a good job of giving us a taste without revealing too much.
Other than that, there's not much plot/character development to comment on, so I'll try to review how the writing unveils.
One thing I noticed while reading, you used a lot of unusual descriptions in the first introductory paragraphs. It's not necessarily a bad thing if that's your intentions. One example would be how you used the verb "walked" to describe liquid. I have mixed feelings about that verb, on the one hand I love how you compared the green liquid to soldiers - I think it added a tone/mood to the piece, and maybe will foreshadow some political aspect later on in the story? However, it's hard to picture liquid "walking" because walking is very mechanical, choppy movement whereas liquid is rather flowy. It's an excellent metaphor, but the verb is a bit unusual in this context, and there were a few words throughout this that I picked up. Another example:
I love the metaphor, but the image in my head is a bit twisted. When people breath, our bodies move up and down, whereas waves move from up/down/forwards/backwards. I get this image of a girl having a seizure o.o but even that's not quite right, because the movement of a wave is slow. So I imagine a slow seizure o.o That's really twisted, lmao. I mean, it could happen, just unusual. So, careful with your specific word usages, you'll have some readers (like myself) who are very visual, and these images get constructed in my mind very specifically. However -- I commend you for your metaphors.
One other thing I noticed: try to refrain from being too repetitive. Say it once, say it right. So:
I think we understand what the beating represents, as you've mentioned it already a bit earlier.
I would inverse this sentence so that it reads: The gentle beep that echoed around the walls of the white room signified life.[/quote]
Something like that. You want to refrain from doing this. Put the action first!
Watch your spelling! The gown didn't rape her, did it? *wrapped
I just want to say, that for having very little dialogue in this piece at all - I absolutely LOVE this bit here
Let me know when you update this. I'd love to know more about your story, so keep writing and let me know if you have any other questions. Cheers!
~ as always, Audy
The first paragraph is very descriptive which is great. I really got a good picture in my mind of what was going on in the first little parts of the story. There are just a few grammar/spellings things I would like to point out (but go ahead and ignore them if I am repeating anything anyone else has said. The first is very little. Just change "Starting" to "Startling." And then when is says:
"She let out a shrilling scream..."
I think it should be shrill. It would just sound a little better and it would make everything flow together.
Overall, this is a great start to a very interesting story. I hope that there is more to come because I would really like to see where this plot is going.
--Pinky
Hey! This is Mith (or Jen) to review! (Sorry it's long!)
Spelling and Grammar
"Her starved frame rose like calm waves of a beach." --- I think, 'rose like THE calm waves...' would make more sense or 'calm waves on a beach'
"Her eyes wear closed..." --- 'were closed'
"A white gown rapped around her." --- 'wrapped'
"...quickened as her heard beat fastened." --- 'heart beat'
Flow and Understandability
"“Prepare her,” a doctor said. White Velcro was used to strap her thin wrists to the metal railings of the bed.
The same was done to her ankles."
--- I think having two similar ideas split by a paragraph break makes it sound odd. If you had the speech (e.g. "Prepare her," a doctor said. The other doctor cautiously approached the bench.
White Velcro was used to strap her thin wrists to the metal railings of the bed; the same was done to her ankles. - but not exactly)
"Two men in their own white cloaks and surgical masks strapped to their faces." --- What? 'Two men in... strapped to their faces stood over her' or something, this needs to go somewhere...
Other than that, I think you've done really well to keep me strung along the whole time!
Word Usage
Here, all I can say is, I love the way you've written it.
"Green liquid walked through tubes like silent soldiers going to war. A pen danced across paper, creating numbers and letters that came together to make notes."
"Her hands twitched as it entered her body. It mixed around with her blood cells. The beeping of the monitor quickened as her heart beat fastened. Her body shook and twisted, her eyes remaining shut. The doctors stood back, and watched with a sense of unease."
These were my favorite parts but I loved the whole thing. I especially liked the imagery in that first sentence.
Overall Opinion
Love it. I just love it. Maybe the title could be this unknown girls name or something...? I really want to know what will happen with her and what the green stuff has done to her. This is a great prologue and a really effective hook to your book. (oh deary, now I'm rhyming...). Okay, to sum this up: keep writing! Keep writing this book and keep writing in general. You are amazing! Thank-you for giving this to me to read!
Mith/Jen to you!