???Comments and reviews no matter how short would be great. And if you would like I will review your work in return. I think I'm pretty good at action scenes but your opinion would confirm that. If you think it's a good scene, please like this piece. Enjoy!
It was later that night she snuck out, leaving the happy house a shadow in her past. She trudged down the streets, sticking with the shadows like a snake sliding through tall dry grass. There was no idea as to where she was going.
Her purpose was subtle.
After a few lonely hours of walking in a straight line, following the treacherous road of questioning Misty arrived in a somewhat different part of New York. Her leather jacket shielded her from the gust of chill that tangled her hair, but she hugged herself tight. She came across a gas station, the lights shining down on an empty car park looked as welcoming as a stormy see. Sticking to the shadows to her was the way to go.
As she approached the station a red car came screaming down the road, slowing as it neared. It parked just outside the door of the gas station. A couple of men jumped out both dressed in black head to toe. Their heads were hidden by balaclavas. They strode through the doors with a confidence only robbers new, completely fake.
Misty watched them through the glass doors. She kept her distance, darting behind the gas bowsers and blending with the shadows always keeping out of sight from the man at the wheel of the car. Her black leather clothes made her almost invisible. She had an idea of what they were up to. Her mind was knotted with thoughts of justice.
Wealth was a cause of driving people to extreme measures just to have. Misty bet the robbers were after the cash that was concealed in a safe or something similar.
Now hiding behind a gas cylinder, she peered through the glass, fogging it with her breath. The teenager at the counter’s sleepiness rushed out of him in a flash. He bolted upright, eyes wide with fear as he stared at the approaching men. In sequence they pulled out pistols and casually pointed them at the boy. His Adam’s apple danced up and down in terror.
This of course was Misty’s cue. Like a cloud she strode through the door, hands in pockets and displaying her biggest smile. The men swung around and looked at her with puzzled faces concealed behind their balaclavas.
“Hey kid, if you don’t want us to hurt that pretty little face of yours I suggest you walk right out that door and forget you ever came here.” Misty ignored him
She crossed to the counter, smiled at the teenager, spun and leant on the counter with her arms crossed. She waited, eyeing the robbers and finding their confusedness amusing.
“What?” one of them asked himself, his mouth in the shape of an O and eyes narrowed.
“Please, do carry on,” Misty said waving her arm towards the counter and the boy who looked easily confused.
The men raised their guns and aimed at her head, one glanced outside to their getaway guy who was watching closely from behind the wheel.
For a moment, everything was still, as if they were frozen in time. And then Misty struck. One second she was as still as a statue, and the next she was sending her toes into the closest robber’s belly. He staggered back, the air rushed from his lungs and the effects were dramatic. He fell into shelves of various foods, his arms sprawling around as he tried to grab something. The shelves smashed into another and causing a domino affect the store’s items scattered to the floor. Glass shattered and boxes clattered. The first robber’s face was on fire, his eyes engraved with killing.
The second robber began to laugh at his friend, but he stopped abruptly when Misty punched him in the jaw. He tenderly touched his where she hit him and felt the blood that was trickling over his lips and seeping into the balaclava. He looked at the blood, and a snarl escaped his throat as he death stared Misty. She smiled sweetly.
The robber charged towards her, raging like a bull he raised a clenched fist and went for the kill. Misty ducked and dived out of the way and heard the robber yelp in pain as he smashed his knuckles on the counter’s hard bench. He dropped to his knees clutching his hand.
The first robber sprang to his feet, and ran towards Misty screaming as he went and aiming the gun at her forehead. He halted right before and the barrel of the gun firmly stuck above her raised eyebrows. Her breathing was calm, while the robber was panting with rage. She reached up and slowly pushed the gun away, staring into his soul. And then using the deepest of her power she crushed the barrel of the gun and sent a wave of confusion through the man’s panicked eyes. He dropped the gun in shock.
The second robber came at her yet as if it were as simple as it looked; she placed her flat palms against his chest. A wave of energy burst from her hands and the robber blasted through the air and the glass of a refrigerator rained upon him. He began to get up until the flick of Misty’s wrist sent the remained standing shelves bombarding towards him. He managed to let out a high pitched curse before impact.
It seemed that now at least one of the stupid men had learnt not to mess with the mist. Cowardly, the first robber ran out of the shop and jumped into the waiting getaway car.
Climbing out from the pile of mess, the man clumsily staggered towards the door avoiding eye contact with that mysterious girl from hell. Or maybe she was an angel since what he and his friends were trying to achieve. Maybe they weren’t his friends since they didn’t help him from that little incident. He had run away and left him there like a jerk. Man he was going to cop it.
“Drive,” the dazzled robber said, and the car went screeching down the road.
Misty gazed around the room, frowning at her wonderful devastation inflicted upon the shop. The money she’d just saved would probably have to be used to pay for the damage.
“Sorry about the mess,” She said, turning to the absolutely beyond freaked out boy who now looked like a fine white statue. This statue however did not have a stand, he fell backwards and caused some packing peanuts to take flight. At least they would be a nice bed for him, Misty thought. “Have fun cleaning up.”
In the distance police sirens roared closer and closer. That was her queue; she strode out the door and away, into the night. She left behind the security cameras red lights flashing harmlessly in her wake. Although, harmless was only what they appeared to be.
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Canary word: Present
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Hi!
MiRaCLeS back for a review! I haven't read chapter three though. Sorry about that.
To start of with, I'll just nitpick the story and look for anything that doesn't fit.
Sounds a bit odd. I think a simple 'she has no idea as to where she was going' would work a bit better.
A typo here? knew instead of new? Although even if it were knew, I think it still sounds a bit awkward. I'd rephrase it to something like: They strode through the doors with fake confidence only robbers knew.
As beautiful as this sentence is, it's a bit awkward imagining it in real life. Does it mean that he's swallowing really fast a lot of times?
This seems a bit weird to me. I mean you did mention that their faces was concealed, so how would Misty know that it was puzzled. Even though you are writing from third person, it's still from Misty's POV. So perhaps you could hint that their faces was puzzled instead of stating it as a fact?
Perhaps the word you're looking for is confusion? Confusedness a little bit sounds strange to me.
cue
Now for the general impression of the story. I really like your writing style it flows really well and I think it has the right combination of description and action. So well done on that.
Another thing I'd like to mention is I like Misty's bad-ass attitude. I mean in Chapter 2, she seems to be really sick, but now she's kicking robbers in the stomach. Although I do wonder whether this new found attitude came a little too fast or not. I mean, I haven't read chapter 3, but from being weak to sending robbers to justice is a rather radical change is just one chapter. But, as I've mentioned several times before, I haven't read chapter 3, so I don't know if there's a reason behind this that would make it all click into place. If there is, then you can ignore what I said about the attitude change, if there's not, then maybe this is something you have to think about.
All in all, I think you did a good job with this story. Keep it up!