In The Mist Chapter 2

Comments and reviews no matter how short would be great. And if you would like I will review your work in return. I believe this chapter may not be overly interesting, I am not too good at conversations and so on.

The light burnt her eyes like seawater, causing her to immediately squeeze them shut again. Her body was sore, and strangely, it felt clean. The once rocky ground had turned into a luxurious land of cushion. She felt soft materials keeping her warm, but when she wriggled her limbs moved freely between them. She was no longer wearing her gown.

The girl opened her eyes again and although the light made her sleepy, they stayed open. Her surroundings were bright and happy, the walls of her confinement were creamy and smooth like the frosting of a cake. The wooden floor was polished and proud, the carpet beneath the bed looked as fluffy as a poodle.

And the bed in which she lay, threatened to pull her back into sleep, its spongy bounce forcing her muscles to relax.

Where had she been before? On a sidewalk in some strange town, and now she was here, clean, naked and trapped by the tight sheets of a bed in some strange room.

Panic would have come cascading in, but after a few deep breaths she remained calm. It was simple enough, find some clothes and sneak out, easy. She sat up and squirmed out of the blankets enough to sit up, her hair fell neatly over her shoulder, perfectly brushed. She peered down the hall. The door was just there, past a few rooms. It was risky; if she was caught she would be in trouble, being weak and unprotected.

The girl wriggled out some more, and a man just happened to walk down the hall. She yelped and dived back under the covers, listening intently to the approaching footsteps. He was in the room. She began to make snoring sounds. After a minute of silence, the girl opened an eye, a man stood before her, arms crossed and eyebrow raised. She laughed nervously and the man frowned and began to stroke his short brown beard.

“Where am I?” The girl managed to speak, making her voice sound calm and strong.

After a moment’s silent, the man replied, “safe,” his smile was warm and friendly.

The girl was unsure whether to trust the odd man. He leant against the wall, studied her face like it had the answers. “I found you on the side of a road,” he said. The girl nodded. She began to sit up again but a wave of dizziness struck her back down, she mumbled in annoyance.

“You’re very weak,” he said, thinking for a moment, and then he strode out the door.

The girl cursed under her breath, with no energy she may as well had been this man’s prisoner. Yet something told her to trust him, she closed her eyes with a sigh.

When she blinked them open again the man was leaning beside the bed, she yapped in surprise.

“It’s ok,” he soothed, placing a hand behind her head he sat her up placing some pillows behind her back. He pressed a glass to her lips, and she drank without question. The water appeased her throat and chilled her chest, and within a few gulps the water was gone. The man placed the glass on a nearby table and sat on the bed.

“So,” he said frowning, “who are you? I mean it’s not every day I find a young girl with magic in their blood unconscious on the side of the road in an extremely unfriendly neighbourhood.”

The girl stared at him, unsure what to answer. Did she even have a name? It didn’t matter, she couldn’t remember anything. So she sat and continued to stare, and then asked, “what is your name?”

The man chuckled, “pardon my insolence, my name is Living, Darell Living. Some people are humoured enough to call me Living Darell, as long as it’s not Dead Darell I tell them!”

After a moment more of awkward silence, the girl spoke. “I have no name,” she whispered.

“Oh,” Darell said, cocking his head, “I’ve never met someone with no name before.”

The girl smiled for the first time, “I probably did have a name, but, you see, I can’t remember anything.”

“You mean you can’t remember collapsing on the sidewalk?”

The girl shook her head, “I remember that.”

“How did you manage to pass out on the roads anyway? You’re not drunk I know.”

The girl tensed, uncertain whether to trust the man with her story. He noticed her hesitation.

“Don’t worry, I can guarantee your safety here, tell me what happened,” his voice was soft.

The girl nodded, “I woke up in a forest, people were searching for me, I ran and hitched a ride and came to the place you found me and went to sleep.”

Darell looked at the girl with concern, “who was searching for you?”

The girl thought back and images of the forest flashed through her mind. “They were uniformed, and they had guns, tranquilizers. Some were on foot, some were in cars and they had a helicopter watching from the skies.”

“Why were you running?”

The girl shrugged, “gut feeling I guess, I knew I was running from them, but I couldn’t remember why. I found a road, and followed it to a small highway, and then I used a car to get away, jumped on its back and hang on for my life.”

Darell raised his eyebrows, “I’ll protect you,” he assured her, and the girl knew he was being truthful. “Wait right here,” he said, and dashed out the door.

The water was not mixing well inside the girl’s stomach, and a pain seized her gut. She groaned.

Darell walked back into the room, a book in his grasp. The book appeared old, as he sat down he blew and a mushroom of dust exploded into the air. Now she could see the cover, it was titled ‘Names’. A smile spread across her lips.

“I thought that since you can’t remember your name, you could pick a temporary one until you do remember,” he placed the book in her hands, and she began to flip through the pages taking in occasional words with interest. Thousands of names filled the fragile pages. Each name had a queer meaning, but one name stood out, a name that was about her, that fit her like a glove.

The name was perfect, its meaning was more than suitable, and it had a nice ring to it.

Misty, she would name herself Misty, her memory was as hazy as morning fog and her past was mysterious. What lay behind the mist? Yes, Misty was totally absolute.

The girl looked up at the man, “my name is Misty.” And a grin swept across her face.

“I like it!” exclaimed Darell. Then Misty’s face went pale, her stomach shot pain through her body, and the next moment a mixture of bile, water and blood cascaded to the floor.

Comments & reviews · 4
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MiRaCLeS
Review

Hey there!

So, I'll start of with saying that this is a great story, you had a little bit of humour (with the Living Darell and Dead Darell thing). I also liked your dialogue, it sounded realistic. So well done on those.

I do have a few suggestions on how could improve your story however.

The beginning felt a bit slow for me. I think that it may be because you over indulge in your descriptions a bit. Like for example here:

The light burnt her eyes like seawater, causing her to immediately squeeze them shut again. Her body was sore, and strangely, it felt clean. The once rocky ground had turned into a luxurious land of cushion

So many descriptions in just two sentences! Now, I'm not saying that descriptions is a bad thing. But putting so much of it in such a short space doesn't really work for me, but if you really do want to go into that kind of detail into your story, may I suggest that you make it more smooth and use more interesting words. So, perhaps you can write:
She laid in a comfortable bed somewhere, instead of the cold, hard ground she had been on a moment before

instead of the second sentence.For me, the second one sounds smoother. But that could be just me and you're free to ignore this suggestion if you like it as it is.
Something else that you could do to make your beginning more interesting is perhaps include your character's confusion at how she attived there.

Yet something told her to trust him

This sentence seems a bit too vague for me. Maybe you can hint at what that something is. Like his kind (I'm just guessing here) eyes or something.

“So,” he said frowning, “who are you? I mean it’s not every day I find a young girl with magic in their blood unconscious on the side of the road in an extremely unfriendly neighbourhood.”

I really like this. It adds that extra element of magic to the story and makes me immediately want to read more. I like magic :).

"The girl smiled for the first time, “I probably did have a name, but, you see, I can’t remember anything.”

And then this:
[/quote]"The girl nodded, “I woke up in a forest, people were searching for me, I ran and hitched a ride and came to the place you found me and went to sleep.”[/quote]
I found those two a bit contradictory. I'd suggest that you change the 'I can't remember anything' to 'I remember very little.' Or something like that.

Then Misty’s face went pale, her stomach shot pain through her body, and the next moment a mixture of bile, water and blood cascaded to the floor

I like this ending, it makes me wonder what happens to her and makes me want to read on. Well done. :)

So, overall, I quite like this story, except for the beginning. But that aside, I think you did a wonderful job. Keep it up! :)

This is one of the best reviews I have ever received, mainly because it's so clear! If you want me to review any of your work just let me know!

You're welcome :)
And I'm sorry that the formatting was a bit wrong with the second last quote and that I spelled arrived wrong. I think I must've forgotten to re-read it through. So sorry.

No sweat, it's cool (Y)



I drink from the Keg of Glory! Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in the land!
— Josh Lyman, The West Wing