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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Embers!
I'm your reviewer today.
This is a very interesting peice of work. I agree with Dems though, that I enjoyed it but it was distressing, but you did a very good job!
I think I have some grammar mistakes though. Maybe seperate the lines a little bit more so that it wouldn't be so confusing to the author? I don't know about the others, but maybe you can try to make the sentences make more sense. I don't really understand this paragraph and would enjoy it if you explained it to me?
Though, I read over the poem a second time, and got the feeling that this poem was based among what happened in massachustes (I could never spell that state, forgive me,) and am very poised that you did. I bet everyone there would be very happy that you've been thinking about them.
Overall, I'd give this poem a good 8/10~ great job!
~Pixie
thanks for the review! the quote stanza wasn't too clear i agree, but 'drunk drifted among us' could basically be paraphrased as 'everyone of us was drunk', the 'drunken oscillating heartbeats' were the other people dancing, 'disco ribcage' would be the building we were in.
do you mean connecticut? and to clear that up, the two things referenced in the titles were a nightclub fire in the philippines and the dunblane school massacre, both in 1996, but i don't think the poem was about either of them specifically. i suppose you could say i used those titles for that distressing feel.
Hi Embers!
I enjoyed this, although I'm not sure whether I can use that word since the poem is quite distressing in a way... but I think it's also impressive and that you did a good job!
I think a different formatting would do more justice to the first stanza. The images are lovely, even though they're a bit rough, and I think that when they're all together like that, they don't get enough attention. Of course, the jumbledness fits the image of a crowded and hazy club, and I also thought it could reflect the "article"-like title of the section. You know, like the poem itself was the beginning of a news article. But you only really do it in the first stanza and only a little in the third one, so I'm not sure how well that theory works. I really like all the images here, but I can't really grasp "burnt bread sketches".
Intentional or not, I really like the "drums" and "drunken" - such strong alliteration! And we also have "drifted", which is great with these two. Sound symbolism for the win! I also love "oscillating heartbeats in a disco ribcage".
Somehow, even though I can see the strength of the third stanza, it's still my least favourite in comparison to the previous. I feel like it has too many little words that grammar requires, and "dispersing only after it..." feels for some reason like such an obstacle, considering that the text has been pretty smooth and easy to read until this point. Also "he" and "her" are a bit surprising, because there haven't really been any individuals mentioned, apart from "I".
At first I wondered whether the fourth stanza was too separate or lonely, but after second read I don't think that anymore. It's a good summary of it all and of course, the horrible things that happen in the world nowadays. I like how you have both "bowels" and "bowl", but since you use the word "bowl" twice, I'd suggest getting rid of the other one. I don't think the repetition does anything for the stanza. Also, here you use the word "stampede" again, and although it connects the first stanza and the last stanza, I wasn't really very pleased to see it again. It's one of those words that shouldn't be used too much - too long, too strong.
Overall, I really liked this. Well done, embers
Demeter
x
thank you very much!
Hi, so this is an intresting piece you have. I like it for many reasons. You're ability to create such imagery is at such a great place. I love the way you are describing everything. So here is the part of reviewing that comes harder for me. Here is what I think you can use a little help with
1. The first poem is very cluttered. It also doesn't have a defined format. I as well struggle with finding a good balance between stonger words such as "wedded" and "oscillating". And while these words aren't so difficult to understand they are the few working within a line. You have lines where every other word is a long word, and it makes it almost tiring to read (it doesn't make it less enjoyable) and you don't want the reader falling asleep on this piece considering how good it is. Perhaps you can consider diffrent, smaller words to use instead to give those big words even more power.
2. "manners were hairs ripped from our heads and we wedded ourselves to burnt bread sketches of "seize the day", "
There are two things that are bothering me about this line. first is the fact you just repeated the line before it when there wasn't a need to. The first line got the point across and the part of the line "manners were hairs ripped from our heads" was almost tedious to read. The second part is the second half of the line. It seems like you were trying to refrance something, and maybe I just don't know it since I am too young to go to a nightclub, but be careful at referancing things because not everyone will know what you are refering to and the meaning is lost and leaves the reader upset because they won't know.
3. NOT A COMPLAINT... I love "beer bellied Big brother" for its awesome alliteration PROPS TO YOU!!!
4. the last stanza isn't very clear at finishing the message, but it is the closest you come to talking about the tittle. I don't understand how the 162 dancers die in a nightclub fire is in connection to the poem other than this might have been the scene before.
5. The second poem does the same thing as the first in regards to conneting with the title. The actual poem is almost a continuation of the first poem, only it's like a hang over. I don't really think that was your intent.
Overall it is a great start. I love the imagery and the way you described things with personification and metaphors. Good job and good luch with all future endevors.
thanks a bunch