My second attempt at romantic fiction! "Thirteen Kisses" is a series of fairly short stories, of which this post is the first installment. Enjoy!
Most people can complain about awkward moments where they found themselves uncomfortably close to someone’s face for the first time. The trend is often the earlier one can get their first kiss, the better. When I turned eighteen, and still had not ever tried to express my affection in such a manner, I took pleasure in that I was different.
September 7, 2007, five days after my eighteenth birthday: Luke and I were on his back porch eating ice cream sundaes and our favorite Japanese candies that we had bought at the little market down the street. As close, childhood friends, the topic of romantic relationships came up a lot. As close, childhood friends, we usually tried to avoid talking about us being together. Luke ruined that understood peace that day by saying, “Emma, can I kiss you?”
For a moment, I thought I had a major brain freeze, but in reality it was just my world being spun on its head for a moment.
“Now?” I croaked.
“Not if you don’t want to,” Luke said, blushing himself silly. “I just thought – well, think – that you and I, we, should – well, would be a great couple.”
“Oh,” I said. We sat there for sometime, silently watching our sundaes erode away until they were somewhat-chunky puddles.
“You know I don’t kiss, Luke. You know I’ve been saving it for something special.”
“Yea, I know,” the hint of eagerness in his eyes died as he explained his audacity in asking me for something I’d never give, “I just thought that I could make it special enough.”
And in truth, Luke was really special. And my best friend. And though we’d never admit it to anyone, we loved each other; we just thought it best not to show it.
“I’m sorry, dude,” I said, trying not to cry, “I can’t.”
“I understand. What do you want to do today?”
“We have that project in Robert’s’. Mind if we work on that?”
“Sounds good.”
And that was the end of that, in my dreams.
Unfortunately, Luke’s perfectly innocent question plagued my mind for the following week, until the Friday when we met next. We walked down to the market, admiring the golden aspens as we strolled.
At the market, we purchased our usual favorite Japanese candy, in addition to strawberry-flavored Twizzlers. Happily munching on the candy, we walked into the wooded park on the side of the road. Farther in we went, to the point where we couldn’t see the road, or any houses, or anyone at all. It was just us, and an army of golden aspens.
We’d been here before to eat candy, so we plopped down on the dirt and munched away. I felt almost sick to be around him, without clearing up something to make him happy. After all, Luke had always been there for me as a friend. He deserved my affection.
“Luke, um,” I choked on a piece of purple hard candy. “Um, you have permission to, well, you know…”
It took a moment for him to answer. “You don’t have to, you know,” he said.
“I know. But I want to.”
“You sure?”
“Yea.”
“Ok, then.”
End of conversation.
A few minutes and a couple good laughs later, we stood. There was one Twizzler left. He split the nine intertwined strands, giving four for me, and taking five for himself. We consumed them as the hot Colorado sun started to flee the skies, casting orange light to aspens around us. I ate my candy fast, but Luke was a bit slower.
Five strands. Four. Three. Two took a while to go down, do to the inconsiderate interruption of a gaseous squirrel. There was one strand left.
“Do you want to split it?” I nodded. He gave one end to me, and I struggled to comprehend why we was still holding on to the other end. Once it clicked for me, my spine went cold. This kiss is a gift. You love him, but hold on! You’re about to give something you will never get back!
I put the end in my mouth and started to chew it slowly. Luke did the same with his end. The strand shrunk and shrunk, and with each bite my pulse quickened, and the earth around us started to change. At three inches between our faces, an angry wind lashed around the trees, roaring for me to stop. At two, amber leaves started to whip our faces. One, I could not longer move; I was a lead statue, frozen to the spot where Luke was about to kiss me. My mind screamed for me to stop while I could, but my heart had temporary control of my body. It was already too late to stop.
The wind yowled, cried, mourned. The leaves rushed, fought, tore. Hair in my face, strawberry candy in my mouth, and Luke’s nose grazing mine. Our lips touched , and we tasted like Twizzlers.
This is what I remember about my first kiss: the nearly scalding temperature of his face, the sticky candy on our lips, and the wind that warned me not to tear my world apart.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,829 Reviews
The scenery in this story is extrodianary! The dioloude is welll put together, and I love the romance between these two teens!
My only complaint is that I really want to know what you see the characters looking like. If theres a way you could fit and explanation into the story with bits and hints I would love that, but other then that this was captivating! Especailly the cute little twizzler kiss
Hmm, interesting piece. I especially liked how you notice that most people say that their first kiss 'was magical' and 'the most beautiful thing of my life', while she is reluctant to kiss someone too soon and didn't seem to greatly enjoy her first kiss too much. I thought it was great! I really don't have anything that needs changing. Keep it up! 0(o.o)0
I really liked this one. The wind effect really put a new 'twist' into the story. I will definitely be reading your 'others'.
Gorgous settings and the scenery i could just imagine! The kiss is cute! Love it! Good characters!
Personally, I didn't like the word consumed, there. It feels a little too formal.
Otherwise, I loved it. It was really sweet without being cliché. Brilliant.
Okay, so it was really cute! I didn't really like that they were 18...I mean a twizzler? Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic.
There are a few grammar errors but other then that you have something really cute!
You give great details about their surroundings, you made me feel like I was actually there too!
Good Work, it can improve but your writing style is very good!
I thought it was really good, but was surprised of it being their first kiss at eighteen! In 2007! Maybe things are different in Colorado, but in the UK there's no one I know that would not have kissed someone by 18, but that's just an opinion and doesn't detract from the fact that this was a beautiful romantic piece. Congrats!
OMG! that was so cute
, you did an amazing job. I just want to keep reading the rest of it. I really like how you showed that your main character (don't know the name yet) wants to safe her first kiss for someone especial.
Quote:
“I’m sorry, dude,” I said, trying not to cry, “I can’t.”
I felt really bad for Luke, I was able to feel her fear to ruin an amazing friendship, but the way she was dying to kiss him because she really loved him
it was really cute, i really liked it, I have nothing bad to say about it
good job
A good story. Lots to improve on but hey this is why you're giving it to us to critique. I like where this story is going, but descriptions can be improved. Much too short in my opinion.
It's sort of funny and a relief like somebody said above when you mention the twizzler. I have no idea what a twizzler is (i'm australian) so maybe just me... but i do like the bit about the candy on her lips as she's kissing a boy who tastes sweet.
I can't wait for the next bit!
Oh, sorry. I forgot this was really fiction but I really thought it could be nice in real life. I imagined really beautiful in real life
It was okay.
Whisperer: to answer your question, it did not happen in real life
. These characters are completely fictional, and the events are as well. I do use some of my friend's names, but other than that, everything is off the top of my head. 
A story of two best friends being boyfriend and girlfriend is common. Though, these kinds of stories never go boring!
It was a really nice story! Was it in real life? Or the story just moved with the girl's POV?
It was really, really great! Love it
I like how this sucks you into the story. Even if you can't relate, it brings you up to speed to where you feel like you can understand the character.
That made me fall in love with Luke. It kind of presented him as awkward and lovable.
I really love this; I can just picture it, and while it looks kind of gross, you make it sound beautiful.
There is more but it would be a rehash of what I have already said. Basically, I love how quickly you get us to know the characters, to the point where you almost have a sort of empathy for them both.
Wow, thanks for all the critiques and support, guys! I really appreciate it.
I have plans for the next few installments in the series, so keep your eyes peeled for "Thirteen Kisses: Part Two." It should be out by this Wednesday.
Thanks again!
I thought this was very cute and well-written.
Everything there is to fix looks like it has been already.
Is this a series? If so, I'm looking forward to reading the next one.
Keep writing!
~Mateeah
Awww, wow...This was very dramatic. I loved it! I think you did an awesome job at your second try at romantic fiction. Totally loved this!
Becca
i thought the story was amazingly sweet. I like how the friends turned into lovers, because it seems like true love. I had mixed opinions when at first she was relunctant to kiss Luke. i could see why she didn't want too kiss him, because maybe it'd ruin their friendship. I still think though she should've risked. That's why I was happy when they did kiss at the end.
Hey elephantwalrus - great name by the way.
Anywayyy I just read through and here's my various opinions and nit-picks
I don't like the 'can' being stuck in there. It'd be alright if it read 'most people can complain...for the first time' and then you stuck a sentence on the end like 'But me, I have no complaints whatsoever' or 'I'm no exception to this rule.' The 'can' just implies that her experience is different the the others, if you get what I mean.
I'd ditch the '2007', it's not really needed and it makes your sentence sound like a list. I'd also ditch the semicolon, you don't need it there and it breaks up your writing in a strange place.
I loved this bit. hahaa 'somewhat-chunky puddles'
The last sentence has both 'walked' and 'strolled' in it. Just makes it sound a bit dodgy, I'd pick one and ditch one.
Just think that 'the' is needed.
This is Luke speaking isn't it? I'd put the 'I nodded' in a different paragraph, otherwise it implies she's speaking.
Strangely worded. Perhaps replace the 'at' with 'with'. I dunno, it just doesn't seem to flow.
I think the 'this' definitely needs to be replaced with 'that'
Overall
Okay, so you don't need me to tell you that this piece of writing is amazing. But I'm going to do it anyway
I loved the characters, the dialogue and just the story in general. As somebody else pointed out the twizzler thing was great, it added originality to what is a cliche.
Above are just nit-picks and personal opinions.
This is a series? PM me when you write the next one please
Complicated101
nice flip!
i really liked the part about tasting like twizzlers. it seemed funny, a relief from the seriousness of the moment.
i don't get the end, but then again i've never been afraid to kiss anyone really.
i'm looking forward to more.
This is really good! The only improvements I can think of have already been stated.
This is really good! I loved it!
Although the best-friends-turning-into-lovers part is a bit of cliche. But I liked the story though!
it's good. i like it.
I throughly enjoyed this piece! I loved how you decided to put a flip on a teenager's first kiss. Most romantic fiction never shows the other side of love, and I'm glad you decided to write about it. Another reason why I like this so much is that I can relate. Her fear of the unknown and fright at possibly ruining a friendship was so real to me. Possibly the only sentence I didn't like was this one:
“I’m sorry, dude,” I said, trying not to cry, “I can’t.”
In my opinion, the word "dude" didn't quite fit the situation. Although I believe you were trying to show the friendship through the word, I still found it to be a strange word stuck there. I would just take it out.
Other than that, this was a wonderful romantic fiction piece! I can't wait to read more from you! You deserve a star for this one
This was really cute!
I loved it!
But I didn't really understand why her world was torn apart by one kiss? Shouldn't it have been romantic and her true love for him would have shown through all the pretenses??
I don't know. I'm just being a hopeless romantic. But that's just what I thought. I guess the ending was kind of confusing for me.
BUt I think this was really good. The kiss scene reminded me of Lady and the Tramp. Did you get the idea from that??
Again, good work and hopefully you write more romance stories!