WARNING: my first attempt at this kind of fiction. My sincere apologies if it is cheesy beyond all reason. It is sort of unoriginal, but I hope my powers of description and metaphor make up for it. Constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated!
If you could rate the character names, that would be great, too.
Across the ocean, a fire descended over the tired waters, slashing the empty sky with strikes of orange and pink. Kalani and Drake sat on a beach a million miles away from the battle between the dark and light, watching the colorful violence while basking in the heat. A slight breeze stirred up off the ocean, lifting Kalani’s long, brown hair ever so slightly before gently putting it back in place. The wind carried her flowery scent to Drake, and he inhaled, loving her scent; after the subtle harshness of the salt and sand, it always pleased him to smell a tender flower.
“I am so glad you’re back, Drake,” she said, looking at him with her chocolate eyes. “It’s been a long six weeks.”
“At least you had Hannah for company, though,” Drake replied, smiling.
“Yea,” she said, thoughtful. “But I’ve missed you.” They stared at each other for centuries, only letting the images of their eyes occupy their minds. Hers were intimately brown and sweet like puppy paws, and his were sharp blue like fishing pools in the mountains.
“I’ve missed you, too,” he said, breaking the silence, but not their eye contact; he absorbed her beauty into his mind. Her face looked refined, and quite lovely, and he was disappointed when she looked away in shyness.
“How was the drama camp?” she asked, staring at the sand around her toes. “Did you like the plays you did?”
“Yes, yes I did,” Drake said, a gleam in his eye. “I learned a lot. My favorite unit was the one on Shakespearean plays.”
“Really?” she said. “Did you perform any?”
“Yea,” he replied, knowing exactly where to take the conversation. “I was cast as King Lear! It was a fun part. Have you ever seen it? I can quote lines.”
“No,” Kalani answered, disappointed, “I can’t say I have. The only Shakespeare play I’ve seen is Romeo and Juliet.” Drake had already known that; he took her to see it before he left at the beginning of the summer.
“I can still quote lines,” he said, grinning. He scooted over and took one of Kalani’s small hands in his masculine ones, looking into her chocolate pools as he said
“If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:”
Kalani’s pulse fluttered with every word that escaped his lips as he finished Romeo’s line.
“My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.”
With that, they leaned toward each other, but both stopped a mere inch away from each other’s faces. They held completely still, statuesque except for their hearts were beating rapidly like drums in their ears, then they each fell forward just enough for their lips to meet. Drake took his hand and brought it up to behind her warm neck, wrapping it in her long hair. Kalani’s heart was racing, for she never suspected that Drake would ever come so near to her face, but her conscience was pushed aside as she savored the moment of affection. After a moment, they parted, their faces still close together.
“I want you to know that I think you are beautiful,” he said, gazing into her eyes. “I’ve wanted to tell you, but I’ve didn't know how you would react. As a friend, I shouldn't lie to you anymore: you are the most amazing person I’ve ever known, and,” he bit his tongue, briefly wondering the prudence of what he was about to say, “I adore you.”
Kalani sat speechless, still in Drake’s embrace, but she beamed in a radiant happiness that magnified her beauty for him. “I…I-” she tried so hard to get the three words past her stuttering tongue, then settled for letting her lips find his again, and just for a moment, knowing that she was wanted.
“I love you too,” she said quietly, after the spell was over. Then, the fire was extinguished just over the horizon, and Drake walked his sweetheart safely home, singing softly in her ear.
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I thought this was cute. Yes, maybe cheesy, but sometimes cheesy can be good. Like when he quoted Romeo...

Maybe that's just me but I thought that was really adorable!
Anyway, I thought this was good. I mean, you hit all the parts of a romance story and it was easy to read because it flowed really nicely.
Keep Writing!
a gr8 story, keepup the good work..
Wow, now that I read it with rested eyes, I can see that it is cheesy beyond all reason. I'll try to salvage what I can. Sorry that it's so bad right now! Thank you for the critiques, they're going to help me so much!
Hey elephantwalrus,
after reading through this once, I can say that I think it's a cute story, but it's just a little much in most places... which makes it a bit corny. That's the dangerous thing with romance. It can easily get cheesy.
You use a lot of metaphors which can be good, but if there are too many it can also turn cheesy...
I think maybe you should take a look at a few things in this pieces, to make it a little more simple and take out some of the things that are too much:
Wouldn't slightly alone be good enough?
I also agree with Heidigirl about the scent-thing:
Maybe replace one of the scents by 'smell'?
Do you need the harshness to be subtle?
> In general I'd suggest you look over the adjectives and adverbs in this pice and see if you can ditch some of them, just to simplify it a bit. Most of them work well, but I think there are a little too many...
Overkill.
> Be careful with phrases like 'a million miles', 'for centuries' and such. If there are too many of them they tend to sound corny.
I'm not sure, so just ignore me, if I'm wrong, but shouldn't this be he'd taken her to see it??
Do you really need the 'masculine ones'? I'd definetly replace the masculine, even if you want to describe his hands, but I could picture them pretty well without any further details.
Maybe it's just me, but the 'chocolate pools' knid of bothered me, since you used 'pools' already in connection with Drake's eyes...
>In general: Metaphors are nice, but don't use too many. Danger of overkilling...
I hope I was able to help ou wi this. I think if you simplify it a bit it could turn out really neat
The Names
Drake
From a surname derived from either Middle English drake "male duck" or else from the Old Norse personal name Draki or the Old English personal name Draca both meaning "dragon".
Kalani
Means "the heavens" from Hawaiian ka "the" and lani "heaven, sky".
Here's what I looked up on the internet about the names. I especially like Kalani. It's gentle and sweet and has a nice sound to it. I think it fits perfectly. Not too extrvagant, but special.
Drake is okay I think. Kind of average, but I find that a good thing, since they are average teenagers.
Keep up the neat work and happy editing!
~Kalliope
I only scanned over this, but one thing I did notice is that it's a little repetative, especially at the beginning. For example, here:
Here you've repeated both about the wind, and 'her scent'.
I'd also have to say not to put 'she said', 'he said' with every single line of speech. There's only the two of them speaking. If one of them has said something, it's obvious the other is replying and it doesn't help the flow of the writing.
You've also got an action that goes with every single line of speech, and that's kind of distracting. It seems like they can't just sit still and talk.
Again later on you've repeated 'face' several times in only a few sentences.
'Statuesque'? I'm not sure why, but it doesn't sound right. A little too...I don't know, over the top?
As for names; isn't a drake a name for a male duck?