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Young Writers Society



twiwatch intro 1

by eleboy


The Streets of a futurist city are being shaken as a four-legged giant robot, with a lens in front of its body and equipped with massive weapons, is roaming around. shooting down flying cars with missiles, with every step a crater is formed. The people run away in fear.

Standing on top of the mechanical creation is a man with a face of craze joy in the destruction and carrying a laptop in one arm.



Name: Robo23

Organization: Dark Gods

Slow-moving heavy hitter robot



Name: Zy

Organization: Dark Gods

Evil hacker



Zy says, "Haha this is great. Look at all this distraction. This is the type of world meant for me plenty of physical and online mayhem to be done here. Too bad for the intervention law I love to go all out a mess with an entire universe to break in cosmic destruction but we may get caught in the crosshairs and our big bad leader wants to search this universe for material and allies that's why my task today is to hack into Tech co over there."

Robo23 makes some beeping sounds.

Zy gives his robot teammate an annoyed look, "You know you're not fun to monologue too. I need some back and forth. Can we get you a speech box added to you?"

Robo23 makes a long deep sound.

A girl with blue hair scrams out,  "Someone stop them!"



Zy looks at the girl,  "Hey your cute why don't you join me."



"Uhh no." the girl is suddenly grabbed by a virtual hand coming from Zy's laptop.



A figure wearing a fedora and trenchcoat shows up and his hand launches towards the girl pulling her to him, "Come on kidnapping does your evil know no bound." he puts her down then takes off his coat and hat revealing his half mechanical body.



Name: Cyb

Organization: Blue light

Cyborg, heroic hacker



ZY says, "Nope! Now let's see how you handle robo23!"



Cyb says, "Chippy show them what we got!" A small, flat, and round robot with a emoticon face comes and starts shooting lasers at Robo23.



Name: Chippy

Organization: Blue light

high-speed robot



Zy says, "That small calculator is no match against Robo23!"



Cyb says, "Let's see about that!"



The two robots go at each other Chippy searching for weak spots, while Robo23 just tries to hit Chippy with a slowly charged blast. Chippy avoids it and starts aiming at the joints of its opponent. Robo23 launches missiles and starts charging another beam. the tiny robot shoots the missiles. 

Cyb is fighting Zy. Cyb pulls out a tiny device that shoots flames, meanwhile, Zy pulls up an image of an RPG pulling it out from the screen making it real. Cyb grabs the girl and avoids the explosion but Zy comes out of a screen from behind then pulls out a monster. Cyb pulls out another device that blows bubbles, "What?! Why is this in here?! How many times do I have to tell him to stop putting random junk into my body?" Zy grabs the girl and has an inappropriate face at the last statement, "Oh grow up you know what I mean. Seriously I'm going to ask to have one of his assistance to work my updates."



The battle continues for another half-hour with the girl being tossed back and forth. Zy says, "We will win this battle, and Tech co. data be ours!"



Cyb says, "Not if I have a say!"



The girl chimes in, "Or me."



Cyb and ZY are confused, "Huh? I been hacked!" they look towards the girl.



The girl jumps in between them, her arms become energy blasters and blast both sides, dropping down her feet become skates with rockets. She then escapes.



Name: Jezzy

Organization: Team C

Anime style robot



Zy says, "So she's a robot. Is it weird that I want her more now?"



Cyb says, "Yes."



Jezzy turns a corner and a teenager of 17 jumps on holding on to his own laptop.



Name: Syo

Organization: team c

Self-interest hacker



Syo says, "Operation complete. Ooh, it seems Tech co. isn't so squicky clean as they seem. I'll say a million-dollar ransom should do."



Jezzy says, "What about Cyb and Zy?"



"Nothing of interest. I will need to build a more advanced system to get their operational systems blueprints. let us head back." Syo hits the Team C logo and a yellow portal appears and the two leaves through.

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1260 Reviews

Points: 1630
Reviews: 1260

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Sat Jul 10, 2021 5:29 pm
Elinor wrote a review...



Hey eleboy!

My name is Elinor, and I thought that I would drop by to give you a quick review. Firstly, welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying your time here thusfar. Thank you for sharing your story! I wanted to echo ForeverYoung299's comments about your grammar and the construction of this piece. I agree with her that it's a good start, but there is a lot of room for improvement. I'm really intrigued by the story that you laid out for us, but I wanted to know a bit more about who the characters are before I'm going to be too interested to check out more.

You jump right into this situation without giving the reader much of a chance to understand what's going on. If you're to have these mini bios of each character before you introduce them, there should be a reason why.

Take your first dialogue exchange. We've only been told what these characters names are. We don't know anything about them, where they are, what else is going on. You need such things to build a story.

But like I said earlier, I do think this has potential, and I'm curious to see where you go with it. Writing is rewriting, so with patience and diligence you'll get there.

Hope this helps!

Elinor




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701 Reviews

Points: 49988
Reviews: 701

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Thu Jul 08, 2021 8:36 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey here for a review!
As a first work, it isn't bad but it needs improvement. There is much room for improvement. Let me try if I can explain some of them.
So let's fix the grammatical mistakes.

Streets of a city are being shaken as a four-legged giant robot roaming around. on top s a man riding carrying a laptop.

This should be written as 'The streets of a city are being shaken as a four-legged giant robot roaming around. On top is a man riding carrying a laptop.'

Slow moving heavy hitter robot

Put a hyphen between slow and moving.
ZY says, "No now lets how you handle robo23!"

This should be written as '
ZY says, "No, now let's see how you handle robo23!" '
The two robots go at each other Chippy searching for weak spots, while Robo23 just tries to hit Chippy with a slowly charged blasts.

Either write blast or remove a
Cyb and ZY confused, "Huh? I been hacked!" they look towards the girl.

This should be written as 'Cyb and ZY are confused, "Huh? I have been hacked!" they look towards the girl.
Syo says, "Operation complete. ooh, it seems Tech co. isn't so squicky clean. I'll say a million dollar ransom should do."

Capitalize o and put a hyphen between million and dollar.

Now, let's get to the general review.
Streets of a city are being shaken as a four-legged giant robot roaming around. on top s a man riding carrying a laptop.

Honestly, a great beginning. Seems like the man who is riding on the robot is the instructor of the robot.
Name: Robo23

Organization: Dark Gods

Slow moving heavy hitter robot



Name: Zy

Organization: Dark Gods

Evil hacker


Here, there is a contradiction of what you wrote in the first para. U wrote a robot and here u are giving the identity of two. Next, this is not the best way to introduce them. Maybe add another line before saying the first Robot read.... And the second robot:
This might make is better.
Zy "Haha this is great. Look at all this distraction. Now time to hack into Tech co."



Girl "Someone. Stop him!"



Zy "Hey your cute why don't you join me."



"Uhh No." From the laptop, a virtual hand comes out and grabs the girl.

You should add some verb like Zy says, the girl yells, Zy replies... Without verb, it looks incomplete and doesn't make sense. And I guess it should be you, cute and not your cute. I like the concept of the virtual hand tho. Seems like the story is set in future or maybe in a different World.
Suddenly the girl is grabbed by someone else, "Come on kidnapping does your evil know no bound."



Name: Cyb

Organization: Blue light

Cyborg



ZY says, "No now lets how you handle robo23!"



Cyb says, "Chippy." A small, flat and round robot comes and starts shooting lasers at Robo23.



Name: Chippy

Organization: Blue light

high-speed robot

Yeah, the protector has arrived. As I earlier stated, you should add one or two line inteoducing them. Like the letters written in bold could clearly be seen ...
The two robots go at each other Chippy searching for weak spots, while Robo23 just tries to hit Chippy with a slowly charged blasts. Cyb is fighting Zy. Cyb uses different gadgets while Zy grabs weapons from the internet and makes them real. During the fight, the girl is getting tossed around between the guys.

This para was another great one.

The story is a good one. Seems like there is a conflict over the data between some robot agencies and each tries to steal it. The team C successfully does that. Great one just improve it a bit and it will be a greater one. If you release any next parts, don't forget to tag me!
~Forever




eleboy says...


I have updated the story fixing the grammar and adding new dialogue




I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.
— Edgar Allan Poe