Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.
The stack of crates wavered for a moment before toppling, the lids sliding off of the top three to send bottles of liquor either skittering across or shattering over the dirt road. Tattee lept back, clenching ser jaw in defiance. This had happened before, always in the middle of the day. The more public the area, the better. The trick was to not give in. That's what Tiamata said, and a dragon's word was as good as fire was hot.
One of the boys stepped over a crate, lips curled in hostility, which Tattee had long since deemed a valid emotion for most. His hands lifted, and before Tattee could respond, se was being shoved back. Hands gripped ser shoulders and kept driving sem back, back, back, until ser shoulderblades and the back of ser head collided with the wall.
"... hold its legs!"
Tattee snapped back from ser daze, only to start thrashing. "Don't you bloody touch me!" Ser voice ricocheted off the stone walls backing the alleyway. For a few precious moments, se begged someone to hear. To help, for once in their lives. There weren't many people who travelled these alleyways, not even in the middle of the day, but there had to be someone. Unfortunately, ignoring those deemed unworthy of protection was basic Telimon etiquette, even if there was anyone around to hear.
Three other boys made their ways around the crates, two stooping on either side of Tattee's flailing legs to pin them to the stone wall. The other caught both ser wrists, pinning them on one side of ser body. Tattee squirmed when the boy who'd shoved sem pressed his hands against ser chest, groping around for anything that might reveal something of use. He stopped suddenly, fingers closing around Tattee's nipples. Tattee bit ser lip to keep from yelping.
"I thought so," the boy said, almost nonchalantly. "It's the jaw, you know? It reveals more than I think you want it to." He pinched harder, and Tattee's eyes welled with tears. Still, se refused to give the jackasses a verbal response.
"We made bets," he continued, fingers twisting. Tattee squeezed ser eyes shut against the sting. "Whoever won got the first turn with you, but considering..." he released suddenly, causing Tattee to suck in a relieved breath of air. "I don't think I'm all that interested anymore."
Tattee opened ser eyes halfway, already cowering away from the impending blow. Sure enough, ser gaze met a fisted hand, drawn back only until se registered it before it flew, contacting Tattee's jaw with a sickening crunch. The side of Tattee's head collided with the stone again, knocking sem into another half-dazed state that only passed when sparks of pain rippled up the side of ser face.
"Just because you don't want a go doesn't mean we don't," one of the boys at Tattee's legs spat. "The rat needs to know its place. As an effeminate member of society."
Tattee felt like stone for all of a few moments. Se was dizzy-- too dizzy for what was happening to sink in. Se blinked a few times, touching the tip of ser tongue to a hard substance that had fallen under it. Was that a tooth? Was that-- that was blood. There was blood in ser mouth. Tattee spit, a tooth caked in a red glob landing near the puncher's feet. The boy in question wrinkled his nose.
"Go right ahead. Anyone else? I don't want to be standing here if a sympathizer shows up."
The boy holding Tattee's arms snorted. "It probably has some twisted disease. I'll hold it down, gladly, but other than that..."
The second man at ser legs nodded his agreement, and it wasn't until they'd wrestled Tattee down and bent sem over a crate, glass shards biting into ser knees through ser leggings, that se understood what was happening. Every muscle tensed, and se wrenched a wrist free of the grip that was on it, fumbling for a glass shard. Se felt it cut ser hand, but it was wedged deep into the leg of one attacker before Tattee had much time to care.
The boy yelped and sprang back, and one of them stood, dealing a swift kick to Tattee's side. The only thing keeping sem upright was the grip that the third still had on their shoulders.
"You little double!" Another kick, and then another. Tattee grunted with each one, wrapping the arm se'd freed around ser waist, trying to curl or push away or anything that would protect sem from the boot that kept finding its mark.
"Stop!" Tattee's voice was as raw as it was high-pitched.
Still, the boot hit again, and again. The attacker shouted, and the boy pinning Tattee released. The next kick left sem spralwed on ser side, glass pushing through the fabric of ser tunic. Another kick. The wine started seeping in. Another, but this boot was to the gut. It burned. The wine burned. A different foot, this one bigger, collided with ser back, and then the back of ser head. Tattee's vision swam, pain rolling through ser ribs. Ser spine. Ser head. All three of the boys were shouting, and the one with the glass in his leg had joined in with his fists. Tattee couldn't keep track of where the blows were landing anymore, or what was being said. Se was only vaguely aware of being rolled onto ser back, of hands and skin on on ser rear.
Another voice broke through, distinctly male. Authoritative. Suddenly, the bodies lifted. Tattee was keenly aware of being exposed, and that the attempted assault was just that. Attempted. More barking from the authoritative voice, and the padding of feet. The next hands to touch were familiar. Gentle. Tattee was rolled, with all the care in the world, se felt, onto ser back, and something soft was slid under ser head. Tattee opened ser eyes, not knowing when se'd closed them, only for ser vision to swirl. Se squeezed them shut again.
"Ayo?"
"I have you. I'm going to lift now, alright? I'm going to try to be gentle."
Two arms slipped under sem, and, as gentle as they were, Tattee couldn't help but cry out when se was lifted.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry- oh gods. Oh gods." Ayodele tucked Tattee's shoulder into the crook of his neck. "We're going to bring you back to the palace, alright? You'll be okay. I promise."
Tattee couldn't have answered him even if se'd known how to. Ser words wouldn't work; the only sounds se seemed to be capable of making were soft whimpers.
__
"They attacked sem in broad daylight? You said they were close to the palace grounds!" Tiamata was pacing the full length of Ayodele's bedchambers, sandals make sharp clicking sounds against the stone, only muffling when she crossed the carpet in front of the arch that led to the balcony. Her hands were clasped behind her back, silk dress fluttering around her ankles and where it dipped in the back. "Nobody helped sem?" There were tears glistening in her eyes; Ayodele could see them all the way from his perch on the edge of his bed.
"Nobody." Ayodele's lips were twisted down. Every word he uttered left a sour taste in his mouth. "Se was lucky I was walking back from training with Domiel."
Tiamata stopped, looking over her shoulder at the bandaged body on top of Ayodele's bedspread. Tattee was still lost to unconsciousness, breath shallow, face contorted like it hurt to fill ser lungs even as little as se was. Her own face contorted, and a tear slipped down her cheek.
"Se'll be okay, right?" she asked, voice barely audible.
Ayodele sighed and nodded grimly, tracing a line of the gold embroidery set against red. "That's what the physician said. We're supposed to call for him as soon as se wakes up, and he'll bring sem some tea for the pain." He lifted a hand to rub over his thick, black curls before easing himself back, inching closer to Tattee's body before laying down on his side next to sem, studying the bruise on the side of ser jaw.
Tiamata strode around to the other side of the bed, crawling up next to Tattee as Ayodele had done. She rested a gentle hand on ser shoulder, cringing when se flinched away in ser sleep. "Se was awake for a little while, right?" she said, drawing her hand away.
Ayodele nodded. "The physician said that the herbs in the tea would probably put sem to sleep." He chuckled, but it was dry. "Looks like it's doing its job, at least."
Tiamata met the empty chuckle with an empty smile, rolling an arm under the pillow she was resting her head on. "Watching sem sleep like this is..." She waved her free hand and let her forearm fall over her head, stifling a yawn.
"Sleepy?" Ayo chuckled, reaching over Tattee to push some of Tiamata's hair back. "I don't see how it'd hurt to have a nap." He raised an eyebrow. "Unless dragons don't nap, of course."
Tiamata snorted. "Dragons are like cats, my love. While they're not striking fear into the hearts of their enemies, even in their human forms, they're napping." She rolled onto her back, arm still draped over her forehead. "Therefore, we shall nap." She pulled her other hand out from under her pillow and brandished it in the air; lazy theatrics.
Ayodele chuckled again, less softly, and nuzzled his face into his own pillow. "Sleep, then." He sighed, all lightheartedness falling away. "It'll be easier to think clearly about how to handle this after we've rested, anyway."
Tiamata made a sound of agreement in the back of her throat, and let the conversation die. She watched Ayodele from under her lashes until his breathing came in slow, and his lips twisted down the way they did when he was having a disagreeable dream. She rose, silently, combing her thick, loose black curls over one shoulder with her fingers, before crossing around to Ayodele's side of the bed. She pressed a kiss to the top of his head, and a lighter one to Tattee's cheek, before gliding out of the room.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I love this! The first part hurts, but I love it.
The first* thing that really popped out to me was the shifts in Tattee’s emotional states over the course of the assault and the speed with which they (and the assault itself) happen. It starts off—not bearable, but at least only moderately squirmy and awful, and then as it escalates and the sentences start to break up and the grammar degrades—it’s deeply unsettling to read.
And Tattee’s emotional shifts are wonderfully written, because you manage to avoid just hopping from one to another as if each feeling is in its own neat, isolated little box. The way they blend into each other is, again, very real.
*Technically second, because the actual first thing was “wait omg nb main character?! yes please! squee!!”, but that’s not exactly helpful in a review.
Other things: I love the use of little realistic details to ground the setting. Not all of the bottles shattering on impact. Tattee repeating Tiamata’s advice in an attempt to reassure serself. Ser belated realization that se lost a tooth. Not being able to speak afterwards. That sort of thing.
I’m confused about how dragons work. I’d assumed, in the first paragraph, that Tiamata was, like, a giant reptile kind of dragon, and obviously that’s not the case. My first thought was that maybe dragons are shapeshifters, and my second was that maybe it’s a rank or title and meant figuratively, and my third that maybe dragons are just basically humanoid. I don’t *think* you need to clarify which it is, or if it’s something else entirely, because this early in the story I was willing to just roll with whatever and see what happened next, but it’s something to bear in mind for future chapters.
I thought Tiamata’s sudden switch from helpless anger to sleepiness seemed contrived and false right from the start, so I was completely prepared for her to get up and go off to fulfill her agenda. What did surprise me was that Ayodele accepted it so easily, especially since if she’s sneaking away then whatever she’s doing is presumably something he wouldn’t agree with. It just seemed… I don’t know, very weirdly trusting on his part. So that threw me a bit of a loop.
As I said at the beginning, I loved this. The broad strokes you’ve given us of the setting are more than enough to make me feel like this is a real place, and all the named characters feel interesting and have thoroughly caught my sympathies. Although I agree with MaryEvans; this feels like it should be chapter one, not a prologue.
i found this story very intriguing and unique so far! it was slightly confusing though. so Tattee is a girl correct? was she pretending to be a boy or something? maybe that will come up in a later part, i don't know. if it does, then disregard this question.
one thing i noticed that i'm guessing you did on purpose since it's throughout the entire prologue is the use of "ser," "se" and "sem" instead of "her" "she", etc. and that makes it kind of difficult and confusing to read. also i noticed what seem to be discrepancies in the, for lack of better word, translation. many times you use "sem" instead of what should be "ser" for "her. if there's a purpose for this, just tell me and i will say no more lol.
here's some nitpicky grammar issues:
"For a few precious moments, se begged someone to hear. To help, for once in their lives."
correction: [...] someone to hear, to help for once in their lives.
or: [...] someone to hear, to help, for once in their lives.
"To help, for once in their lives" is not a complete sentence, it's technically a part of the previous sentence.
"Unfortunately, ignoring those deemed unworthy of protection was basic Telimon etiquette, even if there was anyone around to hear."
correction: [...] even if there was no one around to hear.
"The rat needs to know its place. As an effeminate member of society."
correction: The rat needs to know its place as an effeminate member of society."
"As an effeminate member of society" is another incomplete sentence that is part of the previous sentence.
"Se blinked a few times, touching the tip of ser tongue to a hard substance that had fallen under it. "
I'm a little confused why you describe the blood as a hard substance here. If the blood is extremely fresh, it would not yet have hardened. It may be globby, or it could also be pouring out of the socket like a waterfall where the tooth came out of. Unless you mean the hard substance is the tooth. In that case, try and clear it up a little.
"Se was only vaguely aware of being rolled onto ser back, of hands and skin on on ser rear"
You typed "on" twice here.
"Tattee was keenly aware of being exposed, and that the attempted assault was just that. Attempted."
What precisely do you mean by being "exposed?" As in someone took her clothes off? Or that her true identity was revealed? I don't quite follow. Also I feel like the second half of the sentence doesn't quite fit with the first half. They don't flow well together because it's from one thought to the next with no "bridge." Perhaps you could say something like:
Tattee was keenly aware of being exposed, though what mattered most to ser at the moment was that the attempted assault was just that: attempted.
Her hands were clasped behind her back, silk dress fluttering around her ankles and where it dipped in the back.
You mention her "back" twice here, and it sounds a bit repetitive. A simple fix. For example:
Her hands were clasped behind her back, silk dress fluttering around her ankles and where it dipped at the waist.
or (if the dress dips higher up than the waist): Her hands were clasped behind her, silk dress fluttering around her ankles and where it dipped in the back.
"Sleep, then." He sighed, all lightheartedness falling away.
correction: "Sleep, then," he sighed, all lightheartedness falling away.
The way you have it could technically be correct. It depends on if Ayo is saying "sleep then" while sighing, or if he sighs after saying it. If the latter, then you've written it correctly.
- - Here are the places I noticed what I think are the discrepancies between "sem" and "ser." Again, I'm not sure if they are actually mistakes or not. Correct me if I'm wrong:
"The side of Tattee's head collided with the stone again, knocking sem into another half-dazed state that only passed when sparks of pain rippled up the side of ser face."
correction: [...] knocking ser into another half-dazed state...
"The second man at ser legs nodded his agreement, and it wasn't until they'd wrestled Tattee down and bent sem over a crate, glass shards biting into ser knees through ser leggings, that se understood what was happening."
correction: [...] and bent ser over a crate...
"The only thing keeping sem upright was the grip that the third still had on their shoulders."
correction: The only thing keeping ser upright was the grip that the third still had on ser shoulders.
"Tattee grunted with each one, wrapping the arm se'd freed around ser waist, trying to curl or push away or anything that would protect sem from the boot that kept finding its mark."
correction: [...] anything that would protect ser from the boot...
"The next kick left sem spralwed on ser side, glass pushing through the fabric of ser tunic. "
correction: The next kick left ser sprawled(typo) on ser side...
"Two arms slipped under sem, and, as gentle as they were, Tattee couldn't help but cry out when se was lifted."
correction: Two arms slipped under ser...
"We're supposed to call for him as soon as se wakes up, and he'll bring sem some tea for the pain." He lifted a hand to rub over his thick, black curls before easing himself back, inching closer to Tattee's body before laying down on his side next to sem, studying the bruise on the side of ser jaw."
correction: [...] and he'll bring ser some tea.../before laying down on his side next to her...
"The physician said that the herbs in the tea would probably put sem to sleep."
correction: [...] would probably put ser to sleep.
"Watching sem sleep like this is..."
correction: watching ser sleep like this is...
Though Tiamata might be referring to the palace servants in general, in which case "sem" would mean "them." That is Tattee's occupation, correct? I thought i saw something about palace servants somewhere... In the description maybe?
That's it, I believe. You seem to have a good handle on the rest of it. You do a good job describing things, though I'm curious as to what kind of environment they're in. When I hear "palace servants" for some reason a rich sheikh living out in the desert pops into my head. But then dragons don't really seem the type to live in a desert. So maybe clarify that, if it's not mentioned later on. Also what does Tattee look like? You described Ayo and Tiamata, but not her, and not much was said about the boys who attack her as far as looks or age goes.
There's a lot of other stuff I want to know, but I'm guessing it comes up in the next part, so I'll go read that now and find out lol. So far good job! =)
Read proof it again, there are a few typos left here and there. (For example you consistently say ser instead of her. Or is that some weird play on gender? As fascinating the thought, I’d suggest you stick to the known he/she duality because reinventing language usually plays against you. Or establish it better because it doesn’t become clear. Just think of Defiance and the cringing the made up curse words caused.)
I like that you start suddenly and in the middle of the action/story, but I feel you need a little bit of establishment or foreshadowing because you mention one too many things that have happened but we have not seen. Try to find that balance between showing and telling.
In your case,
Rather than saying “This has happened before” imply/show that they are ambushing her. Have her see how someone slips behind the crates, or see them laughing as they fall.
Also later on, rather than saying she begged, show it. It’s really easy and will create more tension.
Be mindful of complex sentences, sometimes it’s better and clearer to write short. As here Also, same paragraph, careful of repetitions.
How old are they? You say boys and I imagine 10-12 year olds, yet they are feeling her up. Why not say young men, or men then, makes their actions more “understandable.”
Does this need to be a prologue? It seems like a pretty complete, in the now, story so there is no reason why it shouldn’t be chapter one.