18+ Violence Mature Content

The Stepping Strings : Prologue 1-B

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.

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Tattee was propped up against a pile of pillows when Ayo woke up, sipping reluctantly at a foul-smelling tea. Ayodele furrowed his eyebrows, a small, relieved smile curling at the very corners of his lips.

"It's nice to see you sitting up," he mumbled, pushing himself up on an elbow. His smile gained some sincerity when Tattee smiled, gaze drifting to ser tea. "The physician was in?"

"Yeah." Tattee looked down at the cup in ser hands, thumbing over the ridge. "I told him not to wake you."

"Oh." There was a pause, and then a soft, "Thank you," before Ayodele noticed the missing third party. He frowned. "Was Tiamata here when you woke up?"

Tattee shook ser head, wincing so deeply that Ayodele cringed. "Keep your head still, love."

Tattee leaned back into the pillows, ser eyes drifting shut. "If she was here before, I'm assuming she left because she has a client."

Ayo's jaw twitched. "Probably." He sat up all the way, careful not to shift the pillows supporting Tattee. There was another lull in conversation before Ayodele shook his head and returned his attention to Tattee; se needed it more right now. "How're your ribs? And your head?" He distintcly remembered how swollen the back of it had been. The dried blood he'd found on his training tunic where ser head had rested on his shoulder. Ser entire chest had been a deep red, quickly shifting to purple, when they'd removed ser tunic to bandage ser ribs.

Ayodele's jaw clenched.

"Sore." The mug tipped up to ser lips, face contorting when the mixture touched ser tongue. "It hurts to breathe, but I'm not sure the relief is worth downing this entire cup of tea." Se held it out to Ayodele, who took it. "Put it on the nightstand, please? The smell is making me feel sick."

Ayodele nodded and set the mug down, turning back to study Tattee. His heart felt like it was turning itself inside out; his lover's entire face was a grimace, ser breathing shallow and pained. Ayo waited for a few moments before slipping a hand under the covers to find Tattee's hand, giving it the lightest of squeezes. "Can I talk to you about something?" he asked, keeping his voice soft.

Tattee opened one eye, closing it against immediately. "Of course."

Ayo swallowed, gnawing on his bottom lip while he tried to find a way to form the proposition. "I've been thinking about this for a while now..." he started, keeping his tone even, his pace measured. He didn't want Tattee to refuse. If se did, se did, but the harassment had been getting out of hand. He wanted to keep sem safe. Tiamata wanted to keep sem safe. "Aronel wants to go on to study magic conservation, and he's been... good. To me, and to my family." He waited for a reaction and, receiving none, continued. "If I let him go, I'd need someone to fill his position as my chamberperson. And-- gods, Tattee, I don't want you to serve me, but it pays well, and it'd keep you from having to work for someone like Jayma again--"

Tattee cringed. "Gods, don't even talk about Jayma when I'm like this." Se opened ser eyes, looking at Ayo through the corners. "Even if I were going to decline the offer, I'm completely ruined for keeping house for potters. That's something that'll never happen again."

Ayodele smiled, trying to press down his excitement. His relief. "Is that a yes?" It'd be nice to see more of sem. It'd be nice to see more of both of them, but there were only so many opportunities for a prince to freely interact with a double and a prostitute.

Tattee mustered a small smile. "That's a yes. I need the money. Need somewhere to stay." Se sighed, and Ayodele shuddered in pain before Tattee did. "I slept on the streets last night. My landlord said I was 'spiking too much controversy.'"

Ayodele felt his jaw grow tense. All of this controversy over identity had surfaced recently. Even a couple years ago, the city was as open to Tattee as it was to anybody else. Or, nearly as open. Se wasn't being attacked in alleyways on ser way to the palace at least. Words like 'double' and 'switch' and 'vacant' hadn't been dirty, or spat into the dust as insults. Influence from the south had been dragging the kingdom's social freedoms down far too low far too quickly.

"You could have whistled for me. Or for Tiamata," he said, making sure to keep the aggravation out of his voice. Tattee didn't deserve to receive the brunt of Ayo's sudden spark of anger.

Tattee smiled again, ignoring the reminder entirely. "It looks like I won't have to whistle for either of you anymore." Se squeezed the hand still wrapped around ser own.

Ayodele softened, leaning over to kiss ser temple. "No, I suppose you won't."

__

Tiamata flashed the trio a grin, leaning low over the tavern table. Her dress's light fabric lowered, not quite enough to allow the boys to give up their imaginations. They were, needless to say, wrapped around three of her best fingers. She wiggled one of said fingers, her assortment of rings glinting in the dim lanternlight, enticing them to lean closer. They did. No surprise there.

"You know," she started, keeping her voice low. Sultry. Like this was all some delicious secret. Which it was, of course, but she preferred to keep the secrecy of the actual secret... secret. "There's an old pond in the bluff behind Krusor's field." Her lips curled into the perfect smirk, eyes lidding a fraction of the way. "I wouldn't even charge you. Too handsome." It wasn't a lie, necessarily. All three of them were quite nice looking. Well-groomed, well-built. And all three of them radiated a false sense of confidence; they'd buy it.

The largest of the three grinned, leaning over, lips hovering far too close to Tiamata's for her liking. Still, she stayed her ground. "I think we'd be delighted." His gaze shifted to the boys flanking him, who were far too eager-looking. Granted, they looked to be a good couple years younger than their self-proclaimed leader. Chances were they'd never been with a woman before.

Tiamata smiled, drawing back teasingly suddenly, and gathered a fold of her loose, slitted dress as she twirled towards the door. She gave them a good taste of her bare thigh and the golden bangle around it, being sure to wink at a regular client who was seated further back, watching with a certain measure of envy as she slipped out the tavern door, held open for her by a boy who wanted, but couldn't afford her.

"I never caught the names of your boys, Kimel," she addressed the eldest once they were all outside, nonchalant as she brought a wrist up, adjusting the golden cuff she'd put on. The beads strung over her curls, which were tied up in the back, and hung over her cheeks tickled when the chill breeze pulled at them, but she refused to reach up and adjust them. Composure. This was all about composure.

"Dilen and Ayoren," he informed her for them, not bothering to specificy which was which. Not that it mattered; she had their first names. She could write them in her book.

She said nothing in return, leading them through a small stretch of street, lit by stars and the odd posted latern. She was barefoot and soundless as they boys lumbered on behind her, their feet making heavy, almost irritating sounds against the cobblestone. She smirked and winked at them through her annoyance when their hands brushed her belly or her rear, blood halfway to boiling by the time they reached the city outskirts. She held up a hand for them to stop and awaited their obedience before nodding at the silhouette of a gathering of trees about a quarter of a mile off.

"If you boys have any patience, there's some absolutely magnificiant spots there." She licked her lips, making sure that all three of them saw her tongue. "Spots worthy of fantasies, I might add."

Kimel spoke up. His voice sounded almost raw; the dragon in Tiamata could sense his arousal without so much as a glance. "We'd be more than happy to hold out for you, m'dear."

Tiamata smiled at him and began to wade through the wheat, proud and golden this close to harvesting season. She skimmed her hands over the heads, fully aware of how her dress snagged and lifted. The view would keep them going. Keep them convinced. She made sure to stay a pace ahead of them, letting her anger bubble into her face for a few moments while she tried to quell it. The more energy she had stored, and the more concentrated her rage, the simpler this would be.

They neared the grove soon enough, and Tiamata reached for a clasp on her skirt, letting it flutter off behind her as soon as they were past the first line of trees. The footsteps stopped, and there were two thuds as Dilen ran into Ayoren, and Ayoren into Kimel. Tiamata rolled her eyes while her back was still to them; she still had a second layer on. Gold, under the red piece she'd just discarded. Shorter, low on her hips.

She turned, her expression of annoyance automatically shifting to one of seduction. She met each boys' gaze in turn, watching their throats bob in anticipation. Kimel was the first to come to his senses, just as Tiamata reached up, hand resting over the crevice between her breasts like she was going to tug away the fabric there. She did, of course, but her fingers curled around the pendant she kept hanging from her neck, even as Kimel's arms wrapped around her and his teeth closed over the skin on the side of her neck.

She let her expression contort into one of digust. Anger. She set her free hand on Kimel's back, letting the heat in the pit of her belly flow through her. A flame burst from the hand on the boy's back, blue-hot. His clothes lit immediately, and Tiamata fisted the hand with the flame around his hair, drawing him back until his body was twisted, his screams choked by a specific form of silencing magic that Ayodele had taught her. It came in handy, she had to admit.

She watched his arms flail for a moment before shoving her knee into his groin, releasing so that he could double over before snarling at the other two boys. One took a half a step back and started to turn.

Tiamata didn't give him a chance. She dove for the ground, her hands meeting the earth as the paws of a dragon, each as large as the smallest boy's torso. Claws were wrapped around all three bodies before they could so much as react-- Kimel's understudies in each of her forepaws, Kimel himself trapped between the claws of a back foot and a tree.

Tiamata could smell the flesh charring, and the more pressure she applied to Kimel's chest, the more of his fear she could feel. It came in waves that she forced into neat vessels, using them to fuel her silence magic and the heat of her fire. Her crimson snout nudged the face of the smallest, one nostril the size of his cheek. She nuzzled, feigning some twisted form of affection, and licked across his neck with her split tongue, letting her fire gather in her throat. Just enough for him to feel the heat of it on his.

"You hurt a friend of mine," she hissed, voice low and sickly sweet. She squeezed the boy who was free from her tongue, a shudder running along the full length of her spine. Vengeance had always been something she'd particularly enjoyed, and the suffering of her prey was more pleasing than it should have been. "My lover, in fact."

She released Kimel, catching him on her tail before he hit the ground. He was still writhing, but barely. If it weren't for the steady flow of energy she was sending him, he'd be dead already. At least unconscious. But she wanted him alive. Alive, in absolute agony, and terrified, all for as long as humanly possible.

Her tail wrapped around Kimel's body, the fire more concentrated beneath her scales, where they had the best access to the fuel she'd gathered from the boys' collective dread and physical pain. She brought him forward and laid him between the two boys, turning their heads with a claw each. Their fear intensified tenfold as they watched Kimel writh and burn, cheeks covered by sheets of tears, mouths open in screams that refused to be heard.

Finally, Tiamata let the flames go, watching Kimel's body still and blacken. Dilen and Ayoren finally stopped their incessant squirming. She could feel their panic give way to shock and immediately released them, letting them stumble and fall before pinning them to the ground with a claw hooked in their tunics. Her jaw lifted, teeth glinting in what could have been a smile, before she let a jet of flames burst from her mouth, head swivelling on her elongated neck to hit both of them. It didn't take long for them to catch, or to burn until they were as charred as Kimel was.

Satisfied, her rage subsiding some, she raked what was left of the bodies with her tail, flicking them into the pond like the slum-dwellers flicked trash into the river, before returning to her human form. She dropped to her knees in front of the water, eyes still blazing, nostrils still flaring, and dug the fingers of one hand into the earth while the fingers of the other created a fist around her pendant.

"Fantasies indeed," she muttered under her breath, spitting into the pond. The flame that had erupted from her mouth sizzled and went out as soon as it hit the water.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Not much to add here that I didn’t in 1-A as far as tone and style. You quite thoroughly answered my question about dragons, and in such a beautifully visceral way, and I like the low-key way you revealed more about the relationship between Tattee, Ayodele, and Tiamata. And the way you world-build by palming little pieces over to the reader is really elegant and perfectly-paced.

Oh, and all your names are excellent. They all feel like they belong in the same world without all sounding like variations on the same theme. And with Ayodele and Ayoren you’ve even got hints of names growing and changing and having etymologies like real ones do. It’s a small thing, but it makes the world feel so much more alive and genuine.

And finally, there’s something really poetic about the closing line. It’s a fantastic way to end the chapter/prologue. (I still think it seems more like a chapter)

This did leave me questioning what law enforcement looks like in Telimon. Will anyone bother to investigate the triple murder? Does Tiamata stand the risk of prison or execution or some other kind of severe punishment if she’s caught? For that matter, how is prostitution viewed by the law and by public opinion, and—since apparently attitudes towards gender have changed very rapidly due to southern influence—have attitudes about sex and sex work changed in the same way?

Aaaggghhh, I'm so glad someone figured out the NB thing and the poly thing so fast <3 (so much confusion over it; idk, I think it's pretty obvious if you're not thinking in a cis/heteronormative box).

World-building is something I'm huge on. The more believable I can make a world, the better. My notes are ridiculously detailed. Which ties into laws and views of sex workers. The overall, publicly social attitude towards them at the time the story takes place has declined a good deal (people keep their distance in public/during daylight and anywhere a prostitute wouldn't be working, basically). There's also a degree of fear/respect associated with them, because they're culturally very outspoken, assertive people. They demand respect. On a more private social level though, they're a more liked portion of society because, hello, selfish indulgences! I tried to find a way to squeeze that in, but I couldn't without dragging out the narrative unnecessarily =/

Tiamata will also get away with murder, because a) no witnesses b) no bodies (seeing as they're burnt beyond recognition and whatnot. Also at the bottom of a pond).

Also, the reason this is a prologue and not the first chapter is because the story itself takes place a couple years into the future. It's technically a separate story (essentially: it's the set-up, but isn't directly a part of the actual storyline).

Thank you kindly <3

I'm nb myself so I'm always looking for a way out of that box :D

Anyway, the amount of thought you've put into worldbuilding definitely shows even though not a whole lot of it has been inserted into the actual narrative yet. Like, I don't know, the information you've given us so far feels like it adds up and connects to itself in a logical way, which it wouldn't if you were just smooshing ideas together at random. And that quality makes me a lot more inclined to just trust in the story and let the world unfold slowly, if that makes sense? So I'm curious, but not in a way that detracts from my enjoyment of what's already there.

*nb high five* I'm genderfluid :D

I'm really glad I was able to insert just that amount. The temptation to just infodump is almost overwhelming sometimes. I'm hoping that a lot more of it's revealed in the first chapter. You absolutely get some of the history within the first few chapters. Freaking sweet history, if I do say so myself.

Oh! And Ayo's trusting Tiamata: he's an extremely honest person, and kind of just expects everyone else to be too, even when he knows that someone's as manipulative as Tiamata is. You see a lot more of that later (not so much with Tiamata as with other people; Tia only actively manipulates people she loves during situations like, um, this one)

*high five right back* I'm agender

and word on infodumping being a sweet, sweet temptation. My particular vice is tangential ramblings about obscure religious sects. Also architecture.

I'm super excited to see where this goes next

User avatar
Winterhawk393
Review

Me again! Lots of good stuff to say about this chapter =)
But first, as always, grammar:

""Oh." There was a pause, and then a soft, "Thank you," before Ayodele noticed the missing third party."
I'm guessing it was Ayodele who said "thank you." The way you have it written is a little cloudy. Instead you might say:
"Oh." Ayodele paused, a soft "thank you" escaping him before he noticed the missing third party.

"He distintcly remembered how swollen the back of it had been. The dried blood he'd found on his training tunic where ser head had rested on his shoulder."
correction #1 : typo on distinctly
correction #2 : The second sentence is a part of the first sentence, and by itself is incomplete. Don't worry about combining them, it's not a run-on.

"Tattee opened one eye, closing it against immediately."
correction: typo on again

"Aronel wants to go on to study magic conservation, and he's been... good. To me, and to my family."
correction: incomplete sentence again. "and he's been... good... to me, and to my family."

"It'd be nice to see more of sem. It'd be nice to see more of both of them, but there were only so many opportunities for a prince to freely interact with a double and a prostitute."
-- This part was a little bit confusing with the use of "sem" (should be "ser" ?) in the first sentence and then saying "both of them" right after. And it's not quite clear until you finish the chapter that he meant he wanted to see more of both Tattee and Tiamata, because at the moment he's only with Tattee and there's little mention of Tiamata. And when he says "a double and a prostitute" it kind of makes it sound like Tattee is both a double (whatever that is) AND a prostitute. This whole section right here is slightly puzzling until you read further on and discover that Tiamata is actually the prostitute.

"The beads strung over her curls, which were tied up in the back, and hung over her cheeks tickled when the chill breeze pulled at them, but she refused to reach up and adjust them."
- - This is written in a kind of weird way, I had to reread it to make sense of it. a correction could be:
The beads strung over her curls, which were tied up in the back, tickled her cheeks when the chill breeze pulled at them, but she refused to reach up and adjust them.

"Dilen and Ayoren," he informed her for them, not bothering to specificy which was which
correction: typo on specify

She was barefoot and soundless as they boys lumbered on behind her [...]
correction: typo - wrote "they" instead of "the"

Okay, now that grammar is finished, I have some questions about content. Tattee and Ayodele are lovers? Tiamata and Tattee are lovers too? This is probably the one thing that confused me most. Especially since we know practically nothing about Tattee, not her age, the way she looks, etc. It kind of sounds like she's a transgender or something... Am I warm, getting warmer, or is that completely wrong? If she is a transgender, then I now understand the use of "ser" and "sem" and etc, since Tattee may not identify as boy or girl, but rather as both, and that in itself would be confusing to figure out how to write.
Again, maybe you clarify the relationships of these three characters further on, but throw us a bone or two now to help clear things up and so we don't get the wrong idea.

Anyway, that's mostly it. I LOVE that Tiamata seduces the guys that attacked Tattee and kills them and turns into a dragon and all that. That section was written SUPERBLY. Your description was phenomenal and really pulled me in. It wouldn't hurt to define Tiamata a little more, as far as her dragon side goes. I.e. size, color (I think you mentioned crimson?), spikes, wings, etc. Can't wait for the next part!

P.s. I love your characters' names! Very original and unique!

Indeed, Tattee is genderfluid. Which means that "she" or "he" don't apply. Se/sem/ser/sers/semself is the set (I modeled it basically after my own pronouns; I reread the piece and all of the pronouns are grammatically correct).

Ser biological sex is heavily implied in the first bit of the piece, but I'm not going to confirm or deny whether or not se's assigned-female-at-birth; it's probably specified or at least heavily hinted at later on (and is technically totally irrelevant).

Tiamata, Ayodele and Tattee are in a poly relationship. They're all in love with one another, which is pretty blatant if you're willing to think like that.

I'll take your grammar advice into consideration (thank you for that). I do intentionally break grammar rules when it comes to:
a) commas
b) sentences/fragments
for the sake of character voice and to create the appropriate emotional atmosphere (which is easier to see if you're not reading to critique, of course :P)

I do know that I overuse it sometimes though, so I'll give that a read-through and see if I can't fix some of it.

Thanks for the review,
~Ish

yeah, i'm one of those grammar nazis when it comes to literary work. everyday talking or texting idc much, but i'm a little OCD about writing. but anyways, to each their own, and you seem like you have a good handle on your own style and such, so i'll keep that in mind from now on =)

User avatar
MaryEvans
Comment

Nothing more to add from what I said in the previous review really. The story moves on well, just make sure you set up characters and scenes with enough detail. Sometimes they feel a bit skinny and confusing (your first paragraph for example). It's nice to say it all like: he was there, she was there, they were doing this, but don't be afraid to go into more words. And if you end up too wordy, you can always cut back. Again, just try to find that balance between show and tell.

totally agree with the balance of show and tell. good way to put it!

If I meant "she", I would have used "she." The pronoun set is se/sem/ser/sers/semself. Tattee isn't a boy or a girl; se's genderfluid. It's not a typo, and it's not something that I'm going to change or clarify; any cisgendered reader is going to have to think outside the box while reading the book.

Also, Tiamata, Ayodele and Tattee are all in a poly relationship. As in, they're all lovers to one another.

Hun, you're lucky this is English and you don't have to accord all the verbs, adjectives and nouns with the pronoun. Again, I advise against it because it's not thinking outside the box but inventing your own core grammar rules and that can very easily backfire.
But whatever, it's your writing.

[i]Hun,[i] I'm not actually creating "fundamental core grammar rules". The pronouns I'm using follow the conventions laid down for pronouns within the English language perfectly. I'm not "making up grammar rules." I am applying new words that follow old grammar rules, which writers do [i]all the time[i] to make their worlds more real.

The other thing I'd like to point out is that, whether you want to believe it or not, gender-neutral pronouns are a legitimate thing that exist within the realm of English. However, the ones that we use would not apply to this world for a couple of reasons that haven't been revealed yet. I won't sacrifice a) my character's identity and b) my worldbuilding because Certain Readers won't understand, or try to understand, that they're not the only people-ground which exists on a "fundamental, core" level.

No need to be bitchy. And I know. But it's a high risk that you're taking. Especially when you refuse to provide an apendix or a definition of the things you are adding to the language at large. You can't just put in words and expect people to magically guess what they mean without giving them the vocabualary.

And since you are familair with the pronouns that legitimatelly exist (or have previously been created by other writers), why not use those?

It's not a risk at all. The book will, whether or not I want it to, cater to a pro-non binary audience. And, considering one reader I have figured it out after this point, and my third reader knew right away, I won't have to explicitly describe anything. I cannot use pre-existing pronouns because they don't fit in the world. Before the influence from the south hit, these people used specific pronoun sets for their four recognized genders:
Male (trans or cis)
Female (trans or cis)
Agender (dubbed "vacant")
Bi-gender (dubbed "double"; is someone who feels like both a man and a woman simultaneously in this world's context)

Tattee did not fit under any of those categories, because se is genderfluid, so se felt like se should create ser own.

I cannot use pre-existing pronouns, because they don't apply to the world I'm writing in. And even if I did, readers such as yourself would still argue whether or not they exist and whether or not I made them up.

If you're going to keep arguing your point, I would appreciate if you did so over PM, and if you researched the whole non-binary thing in depth before you give "advice" on something you don't seem to be very knowledgeable of.

Thank you.



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