Published March 23, 2011
Turn Me Down
All day I stare into those eyes,
Wondering what can I despise?
It’s everything I knew,
Everything but you.
All night I keep you in my mind,
Recalling your features,
Every detail of your face,
And every mark in its own place.
Those eyes…
About the only thing in this world,
That gets me excited,
To the point I can’t fight it.
Just staring at you gets me exhausted,
You shining, I’m crying,
You’re unbelievable, is that you?
It’s just too good to be true.
So when I risk it all,
And take a chance,
For a simple dance,
You turn me down…
Down, down, down,
Turn me down…
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141,415 Literary Works • 674,393 Reviews
you are very talented. Awsome.
~Pixie2~
Hi, Toe! Here by request
The rhythm in this was pretty good! I also liked that the rhymes you had didn't sound forced. It's annoying when some words are so obviously used just because they rhyme. Luckily, you didn't have that problem in this poem!
This should be "what I can despise", because it's an indirect question --> the word order is like in a normal sentence.
I wouldn't advise using the word "stare" here, since you already have it in the first stanza. It's unnecessary repetition.
I agree with Boolovesyou about the "too good to be true" thing.
Shining? Hmm. It sounds a bit odd. Especially when I can't help it that "scintillating" comes to my mind...
I'm not sure of the repetition of "down" in the end? I don't know if it really brings anything to the table. You have five "downs" when you could do with only one or two.
So, there are some of my thoughts on this, hopefully you found any of them helpful!
Demeter
x
Thanks.
thought this was sweet
Oh I forgot! Sorry
think should be thing.If these are suppose to be lyrics, you need a chorus. I'm going to look at it as a poem.
This part of your poem is very confusing. Are you saying you used to know them but now don't? Its the tense of the verb.
The phrase " To good to be true," is a cliche, and over used. It would put more emotion if you came up with your own words.
I really liked this poem, and it did have a lot of emotion!