Published June 24, 2009
Hi everyone,
I wrote some idie lyrics, and I was wondering what you all think and how I could improve them.
When I got back from school,
my mum was in the hall.
She said I looked a mess
look at the way, how I dress.
But I couldn’t really care,
about what I wear
Finally my mum’s come home,
for months and months I’ve been alone.
But she left me in a time of need,
and on the inside, I did bleed.
All, I did was let her know
that being away only brought us woe
(Instrumental)
I was taken aback,
she gave me a big, big slap,
told me I was bad,
but really she was just very glad.
(short Instrumental)
to be back
(short Instrumental)
to be back
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Canary word: Present
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141,413 Literary Works • 674,393 Reviews
thankyou everyone for your comments so far, you have all been really helpful, I really appriciate it.
OK. I didnt really understand it all.
for instance, you stated your mom was in the hall. then a couple lines later shes been gone a long time? where was she? did she leave you emotionally,or physically leave?
Also here, i think you should have switched these lines:
Were you taken aback by her slap? or something else? and why did she slap you,anyways?
I dont really know what this song is about. i get the bad relationship between mom and daughter,
but what are you trying to say?
overall good song,just needs a little more work is all.keep trying!
Hey welcome to YWS!
This doesn't flow for me at all. 'look at the way I dress' would still flow with the rhythm and sound a littler better. Also, in the lines before it, the mom is saying he/she looks like a mess but then it jumps to h/s talking about their clothes. Are they backing up what the mother thinks? Or is the mom saying this?
I would stick a 'because' either right after the 'wear' or right before the 'Finally'.
Good showing of emotion. Show me more!
Rhyme/Rhythm:
The rhyme on this really bothered me with the simple AABB the whole way through. It got really predictable and boring. Rhyming is okay, obviously, a lot of songs rhyme, but they don't have to rhyme. I'm not much of a rhyme-smith so I don't do a lot of rhyming in my songs but maybe you really like rhyming, I don't know. If you really want to make it rhyme, use different rhyme schemes throughout, or maybe don't even follow a scheme, just go for it
Rhythm wise, I could feel the rhythm, but I couldn't feel it in means of a song. Like, I couldn't hear the song playing in my head as I read it. Maybe you can, I don't know.
Topic/Overall:
The topic was interesting, I liked it. I think you could expand more. Make the stanzas longer, maybe include more of them. I don't really feel anything when I read this song and I think it has the potential to be really powerful.
PM me if you have any questions or need anything!
-Carly