((A/N Still in need of a new name. I'm waiting till I am further in the story to come up with a better one, but if any of you have ideas they will be greatly appreciated. Also the text in italics at the beginning of each chapter is a song and song credit goes to Train for their song Feels Good at First))
Around your finger, I’ll be a string
I will forget everything I know
About love
I sit on my unmade bed. I stare at my open closet. What do I wear? I have nothing to wear.
Avery comes upstairs with a plate of nachos and puts it in my lap. She then goes to my closet and pulls out a dress that I haven’t worn since last Valentine’s Day when she made me go to a dance with her.
“No. That’s going to be way too small.” I groan and eat a chip.
“It is not.” She throws it on the bed, “it was too big on you last year. I bet it would fit perfectly now.” Avery shakes her curls as she walks over to me and takes the plate of food away from me.
“Hey! I was eating that!” I protest.
She just sticks her tongue out and nods at the dress. She then busies herself at my desk checking her Facebook on my laptop.
I glare at her, but grab it and quickly change. “Avery is it supposed to feel this tight? I think it’s too small.
She turns around and gasps. “Holy shit, Mil you look hot!”
I feel a blush creeping into my cheeks. I turn and look in the mirror that was hanging on my closet door. It wasn’t short, but the soft grey fabric fell over my hips and thighs perfectly.
“Damn…” I hear from behind me.
I jump because it wasn’t Avery. I spin around and see my other best friend, Quinn, leaning on my doorframe.
Quinn is my next door neighbor, and I’ve known him since I was seven. He goes to a private school, so he always comes over when I get home.
“Your mom let me in.” He says, walking into the room and sitting on my bed. “I hope it’s okay I’m here. I heard our little Milliekins is going on a date!”
“God Quinn I told you not to call me that!” I punch him everywhere I can land a hit until he holds his arms up in surrender.
He grins at me and I cross my arms. “I’m not gonna wear this.” I mutter, turning back to my closet.
“Why not?” Avery turns around in the chair.
“Cause I will look like I tried too hard and we’re just going to a movie.” I flip through a few shirts before pulling out a light pink lace shirt with a darker pink tank top. I go to my dresser and pull out my favorite pair of jeans.
“Quinn, out.” I point at the door.
“Why does Avery get to stay in here?” He mutters on his way out the door.
“I’m a girl, Quinn.” She says as he shuts the door.
I change quickly and knock on the door to signal Quinn to come back in.
“Aw that’s not nearly as exciting as that dress Miss Millie.” He pokes my arm as he returns to his spot on my bed.
“Quinn! What’s wrong with you?” Avery squeals and falls on the bed next to him.
I smile at my friends and sit at my desk, where my makeup is. Let’s see. Mascara. That’s all I need.
“Uh, no.” As if she read my mind, Avery comes over and grabs my makeup bag from me.
Ten minutes later, I look at myself in the mirror and blink a few times. I don’t know how she did it, but I actually looked… nice.
“What do you think?” I turn around and make a weird face at Quinn.
He shakes his hair out of his face and smiles. “You look great Lee.” He says using his nickname for me.
I check the time. Six fifty-seven. “Oh my god, he’s picking me up in three minutes. Are you guys sure I look okay?”
“Yes!” My best friends shout at me.
I hear the doorbell chime and we all thunder downstairs.
I couldn’t get to the door in time. My older sister, Hannah, got to it first.
“Hi!” I hear her let him in, “You must be the guy Mil is going on a date with.”
“Yeah,” He looks up and waves at me.
“Hannah, will you tell mom I won’t be home until…” My voice trails off, because I don’t know when I would be home.
“Ten,” Cameron turns towards the door, eager to leave.
“In that case, I will be back at ten, okay?” Avery walks through the open door, Quinn following her.
“I will too!” He shouts over his shoulder as they go to their separate cars.
I follow Cameron out the door and he opens the car door for me.
I can feel my face turning red. Muttering thanks, I hastily get in the car.
He starts his car and we drive into town. “Are you ready for the end of school?”
“Hm?” I wasn’t paying attention, so the question caught me off guard, “yeah, I can’t wait. How many more days of school do we have?”
“Twenty-five, I’m pretty sure. And that number includes weekends.”
“Awesome.” I mentally kick myself for being so bad at conversations.
Thankfully, we pull into a parking lot. He parks the car and gets out.
“I can’t wait to see the movie.” I open my door and step out.
He smiles at me over the car, “glad you want to see it. I didn’t know if you wanted to.”
“Are you kidding? I love Captain America! He’s my favorite because he proves that small people can do big things. In his case, literally.”
“I think that’s the most I have ever heard you talk.” He falls in step with me and we walk into the theatre.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
So, I'll go straight to my review.
This chapter has too many sentences and paragraphs that are just sentences. You can definitely combine some sentences to try and make some sentence and paragraph variety in structure.
You should also put the song lyrics above a line or something, so the reader does not think that this is apart of the story. Even when you mentioned it, it still seemed connected.
"Avery shakes her curls". Is Avery just shaking her head 'no'? Or is it that her curls bounce as she walks? I need more clarity on this, as it almost sounds like she's taking her curls in her hands and shaking them.
"Holy shit, Mil" Because of the language you're going to want to up the rating.
"I punch him everywhere I can land a hit" This phrase is overkill. A simple punch in the arm would suffice. Otherwise, this sounds a bit childish.
"You look great Lee.” This is direct address,so you need a comma after "great".
"we all thunder downstairs." This verb doesn't fit with the action. Maybe "we ran downstairs, our feet pending like thunder", if you really want to use the analogy.
Overall great job! Just try to combine sentences and paragraphs. Otherwise the chapter looks broken and it's a bit hard to read.
Hello, my friend.
First, I'm so happy that I get to read your work again! I did so enjoy reading the previous chapters. As you might have guessed, I have a bit of a soft spot for teen fiction...but enough about me. Let us proceed to the review.
Second, some grammatical things:
Keep your tenses straight. "...in the mirror that is hanging on my closet. It isn't short, but the soft grey fabric falls over..."
Keep your tenses straight. "...but I actually look..."
Place a comma after "says." Without it, the sentence doesn't make sense.
This is ridiculously insignificant, but I am a theatre maniac. They would be walking into the "theater," not the art form.
Other than a few mix ups with tenses and other little mistakes, your grammar was fine. There were definitely no glaring grammatical errors that I could find.
Third, some stylistic suggestions:
Again, I see that you have fallen into the habit of connecting clauses, that are two separate thoughts, with conjunctions. To me, it makes the writing seem repetitive. What I mean is, use "and" less.
These two sentences, on the other-hand, would be a perfectly legitimate sentences to combine with a conjunction. Alone, these sentences are far too choppy.
Here, you don't have to use a conjunction. Perhaps, "I groan, shoving some chips into my mouth." That doesn't seem lady-like, but along those lines.
What is "it"? I, of course, know what "it" is, but you haven't used the word "dress" in a couple of sentences. Ensure that articles do not become lost to the reader.
Besides those few suggestions, I thought that your writing stayed up to par with the previous chapter.
Fourth, your characters:
The reader definitely heard more of Millie in this chapter, which I absolutely adored. When you actually start writing in her voice, it becomes natural.
I thought the above sentence was a great indication of what kind of person Millie was. It was internal, funny, and something I teenage girl would actually think.
No, no. Please, do not get into the habit of simply conjuring characters out of thin air. At least have either Millie or Avery mention Quinn in the previous. It just seems unrealistic for these two girls to go an entire day without mentioning Quinn or thinking about telling him of Millie's plans. Think on that a bit.
I thought the dialogue between Cameron and Millie was sufficiently realistic in its awkwardness. However, I wish there had been a bit more. Perhaps a detailed description of that cringe worthy silence that seems attracted to first dates. It would give you an opportunity to characterize Cameron a bit further.
Fifth, your plot:
Ah, finally. We get to the beginning of the date. However, I wish you would have gone deeper into the situation. Explain a bit more about how Cameron and Millie know each other. Why this is such a big deal. How she feels about the situation. It all felt a bit rushed. Slow down and add detail.
Overall, another solid chapter. With a bit more detail, this would be nearing perfect. As soon as the next chapter is out, let me know. Happy Writing!