My eyes shoot open at the sound of ducks blaring through my headphones. Yes, ducks are my ringtone. I look at the notifications. Avery.
Omg where r u?
class is starting soon...
u better get here!
The list goes on. Quickly I stand up and look at the time. Shit, 1:13. Class started five minutes ago. I run to the front doors and try to avoid the disapproving glares from the secretary. I hurry to my locker and grab my stuff. I creep into Biology and sit in my seat. My teacher, Mr. Saunders is writing on the board.
"Any reason why you're late Ms. Hart?" He says without turning around.
I blush. "No."
Avery looks at me and shakes her head, which gets her a scowl in return. She hands me a folded paper before turning back around.
I wait a few minutes before opening it.
Where were you?
Without Mr. Saunders seeing, I write,
was outside. fell asleep
I stick it between the front of Avery's chair and her back. She grabs the note and reads it. Then she sticks it into her backpack.
After class she grabs my arm. "You fell asleep? What were you doing? Why were you outside? I was looking for you. Didn't you get my texts?" Flurries of words come out of her mouth.
We walk out of the classroom towards our lockers.
"I was thinking. I needed space.”
"What were you thinking about?"
"Nothing."
"Ha. That's a lie." She squeezes my arm.
"Ow, okay! I was thinking about Cameron."
She smiles and lets go of my arm. "That's what I thought."
"So you decided to cut off the circulation in my arm to figure out what you already know?" I ask sarcastically.
"No! I just needed confirmation." She sticks her tongue out at me and opens her locker.
I shove her over to get to mine, which was right below hers. I don't know how I got the bottom locker and she got the top, since she is six inches shorter than me.
She is practically the opposite of me. She's crazy nice and will talk to anyone about pretty much anything. I'm the girl who gets nervous around boys because of the incident that happened in sixth grade.
There is only one more class of the day. Gym. I hate that class with a burning passion. There is only one upside: Cameron's in that class.
I head to the gym and enter the locker room. I quickly changed into some shorts and a tank top I have in my locker and brush my blonde hair into a ponytail.
Emma and I make our way to the main gym and wait for the teacher to take attendance. Even though she knows all of us, Mrs. Smith insists on calling everyone's names out every day. When my name was called, I notice Cameron looking at me. He smiles and the butterflies that were already in my stomach started riding a rollercoaster. The ground suddenly became very interesting to me.
Today we play dodge ball. It’s one of the three things we do. When my name is called I slowly walk to the side of the gym opposite Cameron.
It’s not like anyone actually tries in this class. Well, a few people do, Cameron and a few other try hards. Cameron’s not a try hard but he doesn’t stand around like everyone else.
“Get set! Go!” Mrs. Smith shouts as she turns on the radio.
Everyone runs to the middle of the gym, where the multi-colored balls are lined up. I freeze for a moment while wondering how I missed all of the setup. It was probably because I was thinking about Cameron. I scan the gym and bend down to pick up a ball that had rolled toward me.
I see his brown hair as he turns around. We make eye contact and he gives me a cheeky smile. I know what’s going to happen next. He runs towards me and gets ready to throw the ball that is in his hand.
“No!” I back up slowly.
“Oh yes.” He gives me another cheeky grin. “Oh, by the way, we are going to see Captain America tonight.”
I can’t help but grin. Captain America is by far my favorite super hero.
I start paying attention just in time to get hit by the blue ball Cameron had.
“Damn it!” I mutter and walk to the bench, which is in the middle of the gym.
I bump into Cameron on the way to the bench. As I cross my arms he smirks at me. I watch Cameron as he half walks half runs around the gym. His muscles ripple under his shirt as he catches a ball that was thrown at him.
After a few more games, the bell rings and I rush to the locker room. I quickly changed out and found Avery in the hallway. She was my ride home.
“What’s the hurry Mil? Got a hot date?” She says jokingly.
“Shut up and drive me home so I can figure out what to wear.” I punch her in the arm and we walk to her car.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello, my friend.
First, I thought that this chapter was a definite improvement upon the last. I could see solid characterization beginning to form, but there is always room for more! Millie is becoming real, even if she does like Captain America. Batman is the true hero of heroes.
Second, some grammatical things:
Keep your tenses straight. "... because the next thing I know is my phone..."
Keep your tenses straight. "... Mr. Saunders is writing..."
Keep your tenses straight. "There is only one more..."
This is all one thought, so I would recommend placing a colon in-between these two clauses. It would help with the flow of your writing.
Keep your tenses straight. "...and already is changed into..."
Keep your tenses straight. "I quickly change into some..." and "...locker and brush my blonde..."
Keep your tenses straight. "Even though she knows all of us, Mrs. Smith insists on calling..."
Keep your tenses straight. "When my name is called, I notice Cameron looking at me. He smiles..." and "The ground suddenly is very interesting to me."
Keep your tenses straight. "...which is in the middle..."
Keep your tenses straight. "...is my ride home."
That was difficult for me. I write almost exclusively in the past, so everything that was accidentally written in the past tense looked perfectly normal to me.
Third, some stylistic suggestions:
This was an awkward sentence, in my opinion. First, I would recommend writing her falling asleep in the previous chapter. When I read this, I thought, for some reason, that she was at her house. I would just clear that up. Second, I would change the overall structure of what you are trying to say. Perhaps, "My eyes shoot open when I hear my phone, buzzing with the sound of about ten text messages. I must have fallen asleep." Something along those lines, just to make it clear what it going on.
This all seemed rather quick. In my opinion, do not brush over a chance to add realism to a story. Everyone has been late to class, allowing the reader to relate instantly to this situation. Do not waste that opportunity.
Take out the "it." It will help the sentence flow.
I hate exclamation points. I abhor them. However, I believe that you should place one after "okay." That is a perfectly legitimate place to have an exclamation point.
Overall, I enjoyed the writing significantly more in this chapter. Your dialogue has improved ten-fold.
Fourth, your characters:
Millie is coming together beautifully, in my opinion. However, there is always more to be done.
Moments like these, small, subtle moments of pure friendship, do wonders to characterize your characters. This is a real moment between true friends. Focus on that and expound upon it.
Who in the world is Emma? You just kind of brought her in without any explanation. I would recommend at least some background before you introduce a character like that.
Flesh out your characters to a greater extent. I want to see more of them.
Fifth, your plot:
Nothing really happened in this chapter. I found myself quite bored. Of course, the reader now knows the content of the date. However, besides that one fact, this chapter seemed rather pointless. Each chapter must do something to advance the plot and keep the reader interested. This chapter really did neither. I would recommend adding more to this chapter. More dialogue. More description. Whatever you deem necessary.
Overall, I felt like this chapter, though having better composition in terms of writing than the previous chapter, was rather pointless. Add more meat to this chapter. As well, I agree with the reviewer below: we do not hear enough of Millie's thoughts. Please, message me when the next chapter is available. Happy Writing!
Timmy here for a review!!
Nitpicks, first!
This is all text language, correct? Welllll... make it all the same language, then! You have "you" first as "u" and then you switch it back to "you". May want to make it all text language.
Number one, every sentence starts with "I" there... Redundant sentence openings make your story quite naïve sounding in these parts.
Number two, "rolling eyes" has been used so much, it has become a quite cliché description or reaction.
Those are two different thoughts... So they should be two different paragraphs. Think of a paragraph like this: A paragraph is a thought. A single idea. One that idea has been expressed.... you move on to a new paragraph! ---no matter how short the one before it was.
Here you have two separate ideas as well. This should be two different paragraphs.
Spoiler
He is my favorite super hero too.
In that part, there are too many sentences beginning with "I". Its a trap that is easy to fall into. I know--I did it myself! When you are writing in first person, think of it like it is you. When you are thinking, do you go I am going to do this. I don't like this, etc...? No, you just think. The words just fall effortlessly when you are thinking, like they should. So when you come to a part that feels awkward, doesn't flow right--whatever the case, just think: What would I say or think in this situation? And then write the words that come out. I promise that they will flow well.
Comments on story and whatnot
So you have something coming here. I can't tell much of what will happen in the future, because you don't leave any hints--good play there! You want to leave your reader full of questions. Full of doubt. And the one thing you never want to do is tell them what is going to happen. You could leave hints to grab your readers interest, but never tell them how it is going to be. Excellent job in that spectrum. I am left not clueless, but by no means filled. I want more!
The thing that could be improved here, I think, is thought. For a first person story, this doesn't have much thought involved. Its all action, from one scene to the next. A blur of movement. This is first person! Take advantage of that! Grab the bull by the horns and take off with it. Use your imagination and feel what your character is feeling. You have the talent to make this story more than what you think possible!
Amazing job!
~Darth Timmyjake
Thank you so much!
awesome ,i like your writing style ,simple yet it's elegant.
you kept it small that's good .
emotions are used in right amount too much of them makes even a romantic story boring.
Feeling jealous of u coz i couldn't find any mistake.
you asked for title i can suggest LOVE: A Journey Within.
thumbs up