Teach me to fall and I'll teach you to sing
When life keeps stealing your melody
I know something’s up when Cameron Matthews comes up to me at lunch. He has never talked to me. I’ve always been nervous around guys. The fact that I’ve had a massive crush on him since seventh grade didn’t help either.
“Oh my god! Millie! Cameron’s coming over here!” My best friend Avery squeals, hitting my arm repeatedly.
“Ow! Geez, calm down. I’m, uh, going over there.” My face flushes and I half walk, half run out of the lunch room and to my locker. I kneel down to open the bottom locker. I grab my iPod and shove it into my pocket. I turn and look through the windows of the cafeteria. I see Cameron and Avery talking. Then she points at me. My eyes widen and I shake my head no before he looks at me. My face turns a deeper red and I bury my head in my locker.
A minute later someone taps on my shoulder. “Millie?”
I lift my head too quickly and it slams into the top of my locker. I yelp and raise my hand to rub the spot where I know will be a huge bump later. I keep my eyes towards the ground as I stand up and face him. “Um, hi.” I mumble.
“Are you okay?” His face full of concern.
“Yeah. I’m fine.”
He shifts his weight and runs his hand through his chocolate colored hair before speaking again. “I was wondering if I could have your number, because, well, I was wondering if you wanted to do something with me tonight.” The second half comes out in one breath.
I look up and nod, unable to speak. The boy, this boy I have liked for almost three years, is asking me on a date? I almost couldn’t believe it. “I, uh, can put my number in your phone if you want,” I stammer and hold out my hand.
He pulls his phone out of his pocket and I enter my number. He smiles, “Thanks.” Then he walks away.
Avery practically runs up to me and screams in my ear. “Damn girl! What happened? Oh my god did he ask you out? You put your number in his phone right? What happened?” Her flaming ponytail is flipping around as she jumps up and down next to me.
I put my hands on her shoulders and look her in the eye, “calm down. Ave don’t make this a huge deal. I did put my number in his phone and he asked me to go to something tonight.”
“Ooh! A thing!” Her eyes sparkle, “What kind of thing?”
I frown; did he say what thing it was? “I don’t know. He didn’t say.”
My best friend turns her head and squints her eyes at me. “You mean he asked you on a date, but you don’t know what it is or where you’re going?”
I nod.
“How can he not tell you? I mean that’s a little strange isn’t it? Is he going to text you?” Avery just kept asking her questions.
“I don’t know.” I close my locker and turn around.
I need to think. I need to get out of the crowded hallway. “Ave I have to go.” I look over my shoulder and see her talking to Rebecca. She won’t even know I’m gone. I smile; she’s the one who keeps my life interesting.
I walk through the hallway and out the front door. Turning left, I walk through the field to my spot. No one goes there; it’s all the way on the other side of the football field and behind the baseball field.
I sit in the grass and pull my iPod out of my pocket. I stick the headphones in my ears and play my music as loud as it can go.
This is how I think. I look at the cloudless sky and lay back, my blonde hair spreading around my head. My foot taps out the beat and I sing along to the music. “We won't say our goodbyes; you know it’s better that way. We won’t break, we won’t die, it’s just a moment of change.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hello, my friend.
First, I saw that the second chapter of this novel has a disappointing amount of reviews. Therefore, I am reviewing this chapter so that I may go forward with your novel. I cannot simply read them out of order!
Second, some grammatical things:
When I read this, I assumed that the story was going to be in the past tense. However, obviously, I found out that the opposite was true. I would advise against using this sentence to open your novel. It starts the reader with the wrong idea. Perhaps, "I know something is up when I see Cameron Matthews coming towards me at lunch." With this sentence, you establish that the story is going to be written in the present and that Cameron hasn't actually reached her yet. By saying that he, "...came up..." to Millie, it implies that, since the story is written in the present, that is has already happened. I would suggest clearing that up.
Place a comma after "asks." Without the comma, the sentence doesn't make any sense. It implies that he is asking his voice something. Weird.
When you introduce a clause in the middle of another clause enclosed by commas, ensure that you close those commas. "...for almost three years, is asking me..."
This sentence should be in the present tense. Be sure to keep your tenses straight. "I almost can't believe it."
Once again, keep your tenses straight. These two sentences should be in the present. "I need to think. I need to get out of the crowded hallways."
Besides those few mistakes, your grammar was fine.
Third, some stylistic suggestions:
Although this story is Teen Fiction, which happens to be my extremely guilty pleasure, you must keep your stylistic integrity. Just because this genre is generally lampooned as being low quality does not mean it has to be. I would recommend taking out the "Ever." It takes away from the importance of your writing by making it seem childish and weak, which it is not. You are a fantastic writer. I know the kind of atmosphere you are trying to create, but you do not want to fall in to the deadly realm of cliche.
You have a habit of connecting multiple sentences or series with conjunctions. While this can work for dramatic effect, it does not work here. I would recommend placed a period after "flashes," and then giving the rest of that paragraph an entirely new line. It helps the structure of your piece flow better by not having the reader's eyes stop repeatedly.
Here is an example of connecting a series with conjunctions. Try, "I kneel down and open the bottom locker, grab my iPod, and shove it into my pocket." Even still, there is too much "and." I would recommend finding a way to utilize the word to a lesser extent. It became distracting.
If you are going to keep this sentence, the comma that I mentioned earlier is needed. However, stylistically, I advise against this sentence altogether. Simply saying that his voice is "...full of concern..." seems like a waste of your talent. Go deeper. What did his eyes look like? How were his hands situated? How did his body react? Do not tell us that his body is full of concern; show us. Show the reader through the power of your words. Let them come to the conclusion on their own. You shouldn't do all of the work.
This is an example of showing too little. What foot did he shift his weight to? What did it look like? How fast did he run his hands through his hair? What kind of chocolate did his hair resemble?
I will simply use this sentence to relay to you a major criticism that I had with this work: the dialogue. It was rigid, forced, and unrealistic. Whenever I am in doubt about the awkwardness of a sentence, I always read it aloud. Read your dialogue aloud to see if any human being would actually say it. As well, I wouldn't use ellipsis, ..., in your dialogue. I know what you are trying to convey, but there is another way to do that which looks far more professional. Go over your dialogue and read it aloud. I think you will find it, as I do, a very useful experience.
No, it wasn't. It was three questions.
Overall, in regards to style, I would encourage you not to lose artistic credibility for the sake of the genre.
Fourth, your characters:
I am scared for your characters. I am scared that they are stock, cliched caricatures. Millie seems a run-of-the-mill, awkward, clumsy, goes-starry-eyed-for-the-boy kind of gal. Cameron seems like a simple heartthrob. Avery seems like the classic, crazy best friend. I plead with you to give them some kind of depth. Humanize them. Make them real. What makes them different? Explore that. Why does Millie like this boy? What makes him special? Why on earth are Avery and Millie friends? You may be saying to yourself, "Well John, if you read on, you will find out." The thing is, characters are seen all of the time. They must always be real. At the present time, none of them feel real to me. I need to see the difference between your characters, and all of the other teen fiction characters. Please, look into that.
Fifth, your plot:
For what it is, your plot was good. You had a beginning, a middle, and a cliffhanger at the end. However, like your current characters, I was a bit frustrated with the plot. She got asked out. But what makes this story different? I want to see it, and I encourage you to think about that.
Overall, a good start. I promise you, I will read this to the end. I often become very attached to certain writing, which is no doubt evident by the length of this review. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!
Timmy here for a review!!
Nitpicks, first.[/b]
A small note...
Spoiler
Comments and Stuff
So this is mainly going to be full of a short comment on the development of your book that i think you may find helpful.
There are two kinds of books, really. Fiction books. Ones that are character driven and plot driven. And example, to me, would be Lord of the Rings. That is definitely plot driven. The entire book is on plot. You don't actually know who the characters are! Who they could be. What their feelings are. And example of character driven are probably the western books that flood the market.
What I mean by all this is that you have to find a niche. Find what you want to do. Character or plot driven? Or... do you want to find an even middle ground? Don't forget character development, no matter what you choose.
So this was a good start to your book. You have pulled me in and made me wonder what is going to happen? Is everything going to work out for her, or is she going to be disappointed in Cameron?... A great start to a book. Questions.
Great Job!!
I will review the next part in a day or so. I will read it soon!!
~Darth Timmyjake
And its fixed and edited!
Well I tried to update it and it deleted the whole thing.. Does anyone know how to fix this...
I think you have a very good start to a story (novel?) here! I like your use of present tense (I'm a fan of present tense), and I like your use of semi-colons (I'm also a fan of semi-colons). You did everything right as far as introductions go: you introduced your characters (by name, too!), and you gave a little bit of setting and background. I think there also might be a hint of foreshadowing? I'm not sure where you're going with this, but it seems like you were hinting that there was something more/something different to come. Your characters seem pretty well rounded, and their dialogue and actions are realistic.
You had maybe a few grammar mistakes, but nothing too major. The only other thing I would critique would be the fact that some of your narrative sounds awkward. Like, "He never talked to me. Ever. It’s not like I had a massive crush on him or anything… that’s a lie. I’ve liked him since seventh grade," just sounds a little bit cheesy. Maybe rephrase it and take out the ellipses?
I'm excited to read the rest of this story. I'll certainly keep a lookout for the rest of this chapter and all the chapters to follow!
Hey!
I liked this. I'm intrigued to now where it's going, so that's got to be a positive, right?
Unfortunately, I can't shake the feeling that this Damon bloke is going to screw her over, play some kind of practical joke on her, and I really don't want that to happen because I already feel an attachment to Mary. Well done on that, by the way! It's hard to create that bond between reader and narrator and you've accomplished it in only half of a chapter!
I could be spectacularly wrong about Damon of course. Many people have been startlingly wrong with guessing where my stories, and the relationships included in them, are going to go. It always makes me laugh when someone makes what they believe to be an "amazing, highly accurate guess" and they couldn't be more incorrect!
I think that you're a talented writer. The transitions were smooth, if not just a tiny bit fast. I always struggled with slowing down my writing and, trust me, you aren't nearly as bad as I am but that's seriously the only thing I can think of to say that isn't a compliment, and I believe constructive criticism should always be given when necessary. Slowing the pace down is easier than you might think though, it just means you have to go back over what you've written a few times and, often, add in the little details or thoughts that pop into your head while your writing it. As a reader, I find that those kind of descriptions and observations are the best way to get a feel for the situation, setting and tone of the writing.
Like I say you're very talented and I think this was well written, I hope you do continue with the story.
Keep writing, Faithless.