Published September 7, 2008
Later that night me and dad ate the left over pizza from last night.
The silence was awkward.
I really wasn't in the mood to talk though. Before I went to bed dad, gave me a one armed hug and I trudged upstairs, climbing into the covers.
I awoke to the sound of my alarm clock, but it's what I woke up from that got me.
I was walking in the woods, something Cold Bay happened to have a lot of.
I didn't know where I was. Just the woods.
It was dark, the moon glistened on my chocolate brown hair. There was a faint voice calling my name over and over again.
The voice was the most beautiful voice I've ever heard. I didn't know where it was coming from.
I began to panic.
I started running, I couldn't find the road. I suddenly stopped, the voice grew louder, circling me. I turned around and around, until I got dizzy.
I closed my eyes.
When I re-opened them a black figure leaped at me. That's when I woke up. My alarm clock still beeping.
I reached over and unplugged it, frustrated. Before I unplugged it, had read 7:30, time to get ready to go to school. I heaved a long, heavy sigh.
I was downstairs by 8 o'clock, showered, hair and teeth brushed, all the normal morning routines.
There was a note on the table it read:
Bells,
I hope you have a good day at school. I'll see you when I get home.
-love you dad
I quickly poured myself a glass of O.J. grabbing my coat I was out the door.
It was raining today. The air very damp and moist.
The rain beat down on the windshield nosily. I reluctantly pulled into the school's parking lot.
Cold Bay High school, the big stone sign read. It was a reddish brown building, two stories.
A huge mountain behind it, larger than any of the other ones I've seen here in cold Bay.
I got out, the rain still pouring. I made a run for the school building.
Inside the walls were white with red border painted on them.
I walked into the office. A women sat with glasses pushed all the way to her nose pulled her face from the computer screen now looking st me.
"Isabella Stewart?" She asked me kindly.
"Bella" I corrected her. "Bella" She said. "Here's your schedule, bring this back when schools over". I took the papers. "Have a good first day" She added. I nodded, easily closing the door behind me.
Biology was first. Everyone stared at me after the teacher, Mr. Hebert, made me introduce myself.
They all started whispering shortly after.
Only fifty-five minutes I told myself over and over only fifty-five. I kept saying that and to my relief the bell rang. I hoped off my seat when a tall blond headed girl walked casually over to me.
"Hi, I'm Erica Patterson, Isabella right?" She said smiling. "Bella" I corrected her a little bit to harshly.
"Sorry" She said sheepishly. I nodded apologetically. "What class do you have next?" she asked brightly again.
"Spanish" I said reading my schedule, while we were walking out. "Me too!" she yelled excitedly. "Want to sit together?" she asked. "Ya" I said. "Sure".
The day slowly dragged on until lunch. Erica invited me to sit with her and some other kids whose names I'd forgotten after she'd spoken them to me.
I casually glances to my left and saw a boy sitting by himself. He was just sitting there, like he was life less. He was wearing a dark sweatshirt, staring sown at his food, untouched. My heart skipped a beat when I realized who he was. It was the jerk who almost knocked me over in Wal-mart.
Crap
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141,311 Literary Works • 674,340 Reviews
I liked Chapter three. In every chapter I see minor mistakes. Make sure before you post it that you check your spelling. I liked the end. I can't wait to read Chapter Four! Good Job!
Hi Dreamer, here to review your last chapter of the moment. I haven't really gone in order.
Dad and INo need for a comma here.
I didn't know where I was but I know it was the woods.
I started running and I couldn't find the road.
That's when I woke up, my alarm clock still beeping.
Why else would she have unplugged it, other than if she was still sleepy?
Before I had unplugged it, it had read seven-thirty, which was time for me to get ready to go to school.
Eight o'clock. You should spell it out because you need to spell out any number that's under 100.
This line sounds a little awkward for me, primarily the Hair and Teeth Brushed part of it. Maybe reword it a little?
There was a note on the table that read:
Love you, Dad
Spell out O.J.; not everyone knows what it stands for.
I quickly poured myself a glass of orange juice, and, grabbing my coat, was out the door.
This line is kind of obvious here so I would suggest taking it out.
Cold Bay High School
It was a reddish brown building that was two stories high.
A huge mountain was behind it,...
"Bella."
"Bella,"
The ending punctation goes before the ending quotations.
"Have a good first day."
Only fifty-five minutes, I told myself over and over, only fifty-five more.
"Bella."
"Sorry,"
She asked brightly [s]again[/s].
"Spanish."
"Yeah, sure." I responded.
lifeless.
I love this ending line but try putting an exclaimation mark after it.
Overall comments/suggestions
Your grammar could use some work. Like I've said in the other chapters, ending punctation comes BEFORE the ending quotations. Work on some of those run-on sentences too.
I've already read the other chapters so all I'm going to say about everything else is that you should work on a plot twist or something; the story may become cliched.
As always, PM me for anything at all.
-alwaysawriter
The rule for when to capitalize Dad and what not is if you can replace Dad (or Mom, or Grandma, etc.) with a name than you capitalize it.
For example, if you wrote "I wanted to take my mom to the park for her birthday." You wouldn't capitalize mom because you wouldn't say "I wanted to take my Lisa..."
If you wrote "Mom and I went to the park for her birthday." You would capitalize Mom because you could say "Lisa and I..."
Make sense?
I'm just going to put the miss spelled words in red now...my computer underlines them for me
Again, overall the plot and style is good. You write very well for a twelve year old
The similarities to Twilight continue. I didn't mention this before but 'Swan' and 'Stewart'. The dream. The real name of Isabella and how she corrects people on it often. The confrontation with the lady who gave her her schedule. The peppy girl who wants to be friends with her. The forgetting of the names as soon as she says them at lunch.
I'm not trying to put you off of writing or something...I'm just making sure your story isn't too look-a-like.
Let me know when the next chapter is up!
Okay, here as promised, and i see Merry was here first...shes cool. If i point out the same thigns she does...sorry. I didn't read it.
Dad and I
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The comma would go before dad. Make going to bed a different longer sentence.
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This is perfect!!!
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Coming
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Heaved?
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I don't know what veat is...not the right word huh?
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Building
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There are two different people speaking here. Make sure you break those up.
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You said after in the previous sentence, we get that its after. Just say something else. like 'softly to each other'
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[/quote]
UGH. Gotta hate those loner boys....not. haha. Describe him before you jump to the conclution that hes the same boy. Like I casually glanced to my left and saw a boy sitting by himself. He was wearing a dark sweatshirt and stared down at his food. My heart skipped a beat when I realized who he was. It was the jerk who almost knocked me over in Wal-mart. Crap
Okay, as long as this boy doesn't want to suck bella's blood, I'm hooked. Haha. Keep this up, your doing awesome!!!!
Here's my review.
Coming. Instead of ciming.
I think your missing a but between running and I.
Suddenly. Add the e after the double d's.
Leaped instead of lept.
Alarm instead on alram.
Heaved instead of heaaved.
Comma after J. ...O.J., grabbing
Veat? You mean beat down.
Isn't Isabella the same in Twilight? Use something original. Something of your own. Something totally made up.
Adeed? You mean added.
Casually. Instead of casueally.
Just a couple of grammar mistakes.
This seems a lot like Twilight. Try to be orignial and unique. Do you get what I mean?
Otherwise, pm me when chapter or part 4 is up.
-Merry