manic pixie dream girl//sweet tooth

Virgil

Review

Virgil wrote a review · Tue Jan 09, 2018 6:38 pm

Hi there Dramamine. I haven’t seen you or your poetry around in awhile so finding this in the Green Room happened to be a pleasant surprise! I wanted to first say that I found the title of this funny when paired with your YWS avatar, Ramona Flowers. I love Scott Pilgrim! Great movie. Before I begin, I wanted to ask if that’s an inspiration for this? If so, that’d make sense in my mind.

Here are my initial and overall impressions of this piece: While the style stays similar to other poems that I’ve read written by you, the execution, in the end, lacks what I previously enjoyed most about your poetry. Let’s start off with the first stanza and go from there. The main problem that I’ve held with your poetry in previous reviews runs throughout, and the first stanza is no exception. That’s the flow. I’m going to suggest to start on fixing that by changing the comma at the end of the second line to a period. This leaves more of an impact with the ‘spin, split’ phrase as a period makes the statement more definite.

Furthermore, while on paper I like the idea of what this first stanza is doing, the wording is a shackle, especially with lines three and four sounding particularly awkward. I recommend reading this to yourself aloud for flow for the best idea of what to change around and fix.

I can see that you’re attempting rhyme in this poem but I’m unable to identify the pattern? In the first stanza there’s ABCDEE but in the second stanza there’s FFFGGHI (in a way)--if there isn’t a rhyme scheme I’d highly suggest using one if you’re going to be rhyming. The problem with the second stanza is that--the first three lines aren’t even technically rhyming--the word ‘you’ is used for all three. There are two more rhymes in the third stanza and I can see that there are 6 lines in stanza one and 8 lines in stanzas two and three but I’m confused as to what you’re attempting to do.

I like the concept of this piece and while I found the third stanza especially interesting and creative, this is a bit of a mess. Work on making this more cohesive and making the theme better-executed because I see a lot of potential in this, Dramamine, but what I see currently is a bit of a mess and there are a lot of first draft/rough draft vibes and mistakes that can be avoided more easily with editing. Overall, I like what you’re attempting to do here but you’re not quite there yet.

I believe in you! If you have any questions, don’t be afraid to ask, I hope I helped and have a great day.

zaminami

Review

zaminami wrote a review · Tue Jan 09, 2018 3:40 pm

Hello dramamine! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

~~Give me your soul.~~

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
~~Strikethrough~~ = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler

baby, darling, goddamn {I know that you already rated this 16+, but can you make it specific?}

you're making my head spin,[/s] split,[/s]

{make it} wrap around my limbs{,}

twist up my stomach{.}

sweet nothings{ }--{ }i'm becoming a {cliché},

feeling heavier than i weigh.

~

i think i just might like the idea of you{,}

let me spill a little of my mess{,} ~~onto you~~

cross the 613 miles over to you.

i don't think i'll mean any of this in another week

but i wanna drink it up while it's still sweet,

while my knees still get weak.

maybe i'm faking, maybe you only exist in my daydreams

but i hope you mean it too. {I just realized that this is a rhyming poem? I think that it'll be a lot better as a freeform}

~

honey, sweetheart, goddamn

i'm gonna choke on {those} butterflies{.}

i'll be your psychopathic, anxiety-fueled heart attack {Psychopathic -- that's me!}

you'll be my reason to float, {a} reason to straighten my back{,}

kill my nerves, bury my insecurities{.}

make you real

come a little closer {'}till it's gone,

{'}till i need another fantasy to latch on.

My interpretation:

I dunno whether to say "awwwww this is a cute love poem!" or "um this is another love poem" hahaha

Overall:

You make me want to say "awwwwwwwww this is a cute love poem but with a dark twisty side!" and that's good, since usually I don't consider poems very dark :wink:

keep up the great work!

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

This review courtesy of

niteowl

Review

niteowl wrote a review · Tue Dec 26, 2017 9:13 pm

Hi there dramamine! Niteowl here to review this lovely poem. Keep in mind I haven't reviewed in a long time, so let me know if anything is unclear.

The first stanza starts out pretty strong. It's kind of choppy, but it seems to fit with the idea of the poem, of this love interest tearing the narrator inside out. It ends on a rhyming couplet, which is unexpected at first read, but again, it works with the message--as the narrator feels like a cliche, so they move into the trusty old format of a rhyming love poem.

The second stanza is, in my opinion, the weakest. The first line is plain and yes, kind of cliche. I feel like you state the same idea, but better, in the rest of the stanza and the final couplet. Also, the first three lines rhyme "you" three times in a row, which sticks out in a not-so-good way. The rhyming in the rest of the stanza is pretty solid, but I'm left scratching my head wondering if this poem is supposed to be rhyming or free verse or what. The first and third stanzas seem to follow a different pattern of (mostly) free verse until the last two lines. It might be worth reworking the second stanza to fit the same pattern.

i don't think i'll mean any of this in another week

but i wanna drink it up while it's still sweet,

On a positive note, I really like these lines. I think they might be a strong ending rhyme if you did want to restructure this stanza.

maybe i'm faking, maybe you only exist in my daydreams

but i hope you mean it too.

Okay, something is bugging me about these lines, and I'm not entirely sure what. I think it's the second line, because the rest of the poem is in the speaker's head and focusing on their emotions, but suddenly they're asking about the love interest's sincerity. It seems weird to me because this piece is all about the speaker and their idealized fantasy of the other person. We don't see anything that the real "you" may or may not have done, so the line feels out of place to me.

i'll be your psychopathic, anxiety-fueled heart attack

you'll be my reason to float, reason to straighten my back.

The first line here is good. Reminds me of the line "I'll be your sweetheart, psychopathic crush" from Lorde's "The Louvre", which is one of my favorite songs of 2017, so that's cool. That said, it seems just a tad too long to me. I would suggest "i'll be your psychopathic heart attack" or "i'll be your anxious heart attack", depending on which aspect you wanted to focus on. You could still include both with "psychopathic anxious" or "anxious psychopathic", but that still feels a little clunky to me.

The second line here feels like forced rhyming to me. I don't have any specific rewording suggestions here, but I would personally keep this free verse and leave the rhyming for the end lines to keep the pattern established in the first stanza.

To end this review on a good note, the last lines are lovely and perfect. I think they show that idea of loving a fantasy of a person so well.

Overall, I really liked this. It captures that feeling of obsession and wanting the idea of someone, which I can relate to too well. Keep writing!