fall for every empty word i say

Hey, Tiana here.

The first stanza really hit rock bottom for me. You've played on a very common matter for teenage girls, and we can all relate to this personal poem, as most of us have been there.

Good things:
PERSONIFICATION. WELL DONE. BEAUTIFUL. Particularly, I quite like " so maybe the cold will seem a little less lonely. " Hehe!

Bad things/improvements:
Your style of writing is a bit sassy I think. It's a bit off putting to be honest. Make words like "goddamn" have been used here and although they can work well given real emotional purpose to them, I believe in the context you've used these words, are a bit pointless. (I'm not scolding you at all XD, I'm just saying that you should be a bit more strategic as to where you put your vulgar words to convey more emotion and depth into your words.)

You can improve heaps, and I can't wait to read more thigns from you! - Tiana

This is Kaos here for a review!

So this is quite the mess that you have here, as I feel with the rest of your poems, a good mess that is ready to be improved on. In the first stanza you give and imbue this sort of tone of a dead and broken down town with empty people in them. It gives off a similar feel to the rest of your poems and this is something that I enjoy about the poem. One thing I did want you to do is make it neater in terms of structure as I found that was kind of a weakness of the poem.

Your writing style is very lax and it just kind of flows in that way so I want to see you try and make it neater. Another thing that goes along with this is trimming the poem because it happens to have more weak spots the longer you make it and it seems to drag on and on but I can see this poem fitting into a smaller space and being stronger because there's more room for you to be focusing on the individual stanzas.

The main things I got from this poem were sunken corpses as people (metaphorically, but people who feel tired and broken and dead), the speaker being good at things like sarcasm and self-deprecation and not really being able to take things seriously, or at least not in a melancholy way. And then, the speaker kind of fading away like a fire that's shrinking. There was more to it but the rest like the mom and the ending didn't really work too well for me, so I didn't mention them. As with this poem being a mess or lines and imagery, (mind you, I like the thoughts, ideas, and images of the poem, just not the mess) I wanted more clarity between stanzas and a better connection.

I think that the sarcasm, the self-deprecation, and other things like that could help do this rather than just you rambling on until it feels right. Play around with the structure and in the future I'd like to see you write something short to see what you come up with, because it seems that's not something that you normally do. The ending didn't work for me because you give away the poem with the speaker talking about them being a rebel and everything of that sort and I wanted that to be more subtle or quiet, among other things.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

Hello, Dramamine! Casanova here to do a review for you! Now, I'll be taking this section by section(Stanza by stanza), so I hope you don't mind. Anyway to the review!

you're the first fingertips to grab hold onto my thigh.

i made you let go 'cause its all just fun and games right?

the fire rose up in my cheeks

and my breath hitched.

but you interact with every sunken corpse around here like this.

my bones are tired and weak.

i'm sorry if i'm crass and mean.

but that's just another highlight of my wonderful personality.

the air is starting to get cold

and your actions more bold.

the edges of my lips are cracked and bleeding.

my brain can't take another beating.

(over-exaggeration is key in the art of self-loathing)

i'm assuming you're quite used to playful banter.

conducting your mouth in a flirtatious manner.

i, on the other hand, am well-versed in self-deprecating practices.

and will never be convinced that you want my body

or like my words.

even if you dared to say it to my face.

~

i'm struggling to keep the flesh wrapped around my bones warm.

and the clouds of my shaky breath could be seen from space.

i just want your skin closer to mine

so maybe the cold will seem a little less lonely.

~

i'll never be holy.

my sentences will be laced with sarcasm till i die.

i can't seem to care anymore.

and i'm shit at keeping things together.

but i showed you 'dvp' and 'jaws theme swimming'

and you hid behind my shower curtains

so doesn't all of this mean something?

maybe i'm losing it

maybe i'm wasting away

i'm tired and painfully monotone these days

the nights are getting longer

and my ribs are seeping through my skin a bit more.

when will the day come that i ascend to whore

status?

~

my flickering bedside lamp is starting to fade

and my head can't think straight.

i hear the anger and pent up sadness leak through the walls

i see a life never lived and a marriage like a prison

i wish i could do something to make it better

but i am far too small.

~

your bones are beginning to decay while you still breathe.

you're both so goddamn sick

but i'll keep swimming in denial till my teeth

fall out and i hear god speak my name.

i'll never be able to heal your brain.

( i'm sorry mom)

~

i'm fully aware of my deadly procrastination

but i can't seem to care enough to fix my habits.

future promises falling out from the hole in my coat pocket.

gouge my eyes out from their sockets

and bury my body in a place they'll never find.

i just want this corpse i live in to be mine.

~

but i'm still trying

and i don't think i'll ever lose sight of the rebel

inside me.

(this is war)