Published January 15, 2014
The creek’s voice murmured in my ear.
I leaned in as the water quietly rippled, as if it was shy.
Its strong heartbeat was sincere and refreshing to hear.
Tiny red specks were settled on tree branches nearby.
Their sweet, soft, soothing songs echoed to the forest’s rear.
They soon took flight, leaving me without a proper goodbye.
Footsteps, or a gentle rustle against the grass, disturbed the brief silence.
Suddenly, I saw my friend Serena as she fell to the ground.
Her crooked grin filled in for the melody’s absence.
Her happiness made everything trivial in the background.
Serena’s eyes sparkled and we smelled the flowers’ fair fragrance.
Our fingers entwined together and my own bliss couldn’t help but mound.
“I just wanted to tell you, that despite your tendency to be a nuisance,
I love having you in my life and our friendship has me forever spellbound.”
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hey there, I'm here to review. =)
I love narrative poems. So imagine my (yay) surprise when I stumbled upon this one. I have to say, this is a really nice poem. I think what I love most about it is that it's so descriptive. About everything. From sweet songs echoing to the flower's smell. It's the kind of descriptions that I personally adore in reading and writing. It's like you touched on every sense, you know? Sight, smell, audio - well, besides taste and touch, obviously. But the ones you did touch one, you did beautifully. And so, I enjoyed this very much.
Not only because of your super awesome writing skills, but also because of the meaning behind this poem. I don't read a lot of friendship poems, but after reading this gem, I think I should start. Keep writing! You're really good at it =)
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This will be a short review, simply because there isn't really much to nitpick on, Basically everything looks in order. I like the idea behind this story. Good friends, having fun, and talking about life. And how they really are good friends, even though they can annoy each other. That makes the poem seem believable. Actually, if it were up to me, I might even change this into a short story and add just a little bit more detail as to the relationship.
Now, the way you wrote it seemed almost as if it had romance in it, which I am pretty sure you weren't aiming for But it kind of seemed that way. It seems like the second friend who comes into the story is the first friend's really really close friend. Almost like she takes up her whole life. Something to think about revising.
Overall I really liked it. Good story, nice short read.
Keep it up!
Aww, this is really cute.
At times, the alliteration was really good, but then other times it felt a little awkward and forced. I liked most examples of alliteration here, but remember that the alliterated consonants don't have to be one word after another. You might want to space the words with alliteration out some, it gives it a steadier beat and draws you on longer.
"Their sweet, soft, soothing songs echoed to the forest’s rear"
It worked really well for this sentence, but then
"the flowers’ fair fragrance"
not so much that one.
Overall, it was really good. Very sweet and light. Keep it up, you're doing well!
Her crooked grin filled in for the melody’s absence.
Her happiness made everything trivial in the background
I really like that bit. THat's a nice little piece.