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137,428 Literary Works • 672,015 Reviews
Hello there, dragonlover92. In the name of the Knights of the Green Room and our Most Sacred and Tireless Quest to ensure that no works go unreviewed in the realm of the Literary Area, here I have come to free your long unreviewed piece from its state of reviewlessness on this fine Review Day. I hope you don’t mind. :3
The first thing about this that caught my eye was the formatting, and while it initially caught my interest, by the time I'd finished reading, I couldn't see the purpose for the formatting. It's visually interesting, but I don't see how it reinforces what the poem says.
The next thing to catch my attention, and not in a good way, was your rhyming. Simply put, your rhyming wasn't handled well, and it's quite obvious that you made a lot of the lines rhyme for the sake of rhyming rather than the rhyme being a natural part of this poem. I'd recommend giving this poem another go, this time without trying to make it rhyme. Not all poems need to rhyme, and sometimes, like in the case of this poem, rhyming actually hurts the piece overall.
Otherwise, I think you have a good subject to tackle, and I think if you were to ditch the rhyme, you'd have more freedom to do the subject justice.