12+ Violence

Choice of Chosen - Ch. 2 - Darkness be his home

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Many things of importance happened while the chosen one was being raised. The Dark Lord thinks there are more than what will be recorded here.

The first instance of note happened three days after word had spread that the Dark Lord had adopted the chosen one. A mob had amassed around the Dark Lord’s castle. In the mob were the repressed, the idealist, the determined, and the concerned minions. Some had blades, but most had farming tools or axes. They began building bridges and ladders to enter the castle.

The guards watched anxiously. Ataraxy ordered them to not take any action until the Dark Lord tells them otherwise. He signaled for them to open the gate. The castle was exposed with only a lone ruler to defend it.

“Your evil rule shall end.” A brave one shouted.

“Do what you want with any land beside my castle.” The Dark Lord returned to his castle.

The mob were confused. They slowly dispersed.

Another important moment happened on a warm moonlight night. In the former armory, the shields, spears, swords, battle axes, bows, and arrows were replaced with blankets, a crib, and a baby. The Dark Lord was rocking the crib.

Ataraxy came from the kitchens with warmed milk. He gave the milk to the chosen one. The chosen one made a soft whistling as he enjoyed his dreams.

The Dark Lord gave a book filled with names to Ataraxy. Ataraxy flipped through the pages and became particularly attached to one: Colton.

The Dark Lord saw the name Ataraxy pointed out. “I like that name, too. It fits him. Colton.”

The moonlight slithered through the slit in the wall.

The Dark Lord stopped rocking the crib. “I once had a name. I think it was Rex.”

“My Lord?”

“Please use it. I have forgotten what it feels like to be called by my name.”

“Ok, Rex.” Ataraxy smiled.

The next important moment was after Colton said his first words, which were Papa. One sunset, Colton went on to the porch. Rex joined him.

“Uppie.” Colton got raised on to the banister. “Dad, what is out there?”

“I have not been out there in years, but when I was it was full of war.”

“What is war?”

“A foolish endeavor where rulers send their followers to die.”

“Have you been in a war, father.”

“Yes. I have been in and been the cause of many wars.”

“What is it like?”

“If you lie to yourself that the enemies you are fighting aren’t people, you can feel anger or joy. Once you know the truth, all that is left is guilt.”

“Is there anything good about war?”

“Of all the wars and battles I have been in there is one good thing.” Rex booped Colton on the nose. “You.”

Another instance was when Colton went up to a guard’s kid. “You want to play.”

“I can’t.”

“Can we do it another time?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“My momma told me to stay away from you.”

“Why?”

“You are the Dark Lord’s kid if I hurt you... Momma says bad things will happen.” The kid ran away.

The castle hasn’t had guards since then.

The final instance happened in the castle courtyard, Ataraxy was working on his garden.

Colton came bounding through the vegetables. “Uncle, can you answer a question I have?”

“It depends, but probably.”

“Why do I have to learn to fight? If violence is so bad that is.”

“Well, I can tell you the answer or I can tell you a story.”

“A story. A story!” Colton demeaned.

“Ok, ok.” Ataraxy sat down. “Before I was a general in your father’s army... Well even before I had heard of your father, I was a farmer. I had a large farm.”

“Was it bigger than the garden?”

“Way bigger, so big in fact I couldn’t do it alone. I had two brothers who helped me. We were raised on farming. It was all we knew. Then a group of soldiers came to town. They drank the tavern out of ale. They were what everyone was talking about. They were the great soldiers from the Dark Lord’s army and they came to our town. Many took it as a bad thing. I got the idea of joining them in my head. I stayed up all night scrounging for the courage to ask to join them. Once I did, the big one told me to travel and prove myself worthy at the Training Grounds. I went and I lost and I lost and I lost. I lost so much that they banned me from trying again. I begged at their gates for days and nights. Your father heard about me and made an exception for this stubborn fool. I lost, but he saw potential. He let me join the army on the condition that I worked twice as hard as everyone else. I did. I worked so hard that I became better. I was trusted to lead, but after many battles, I stopped dreaming of fighting. I wanted to go back to that golden field with my brothers. We would work then relax. There was no fighting.” Ataraxy picked a berry. “Now, I realize how peaceful toiling dirt is. I did not know that before. I guess I am saying I would rather be a warrior dreaming of farming than a farmer dreaming of war.”

“Can I be a farmer?”

“Grab that little shovel.” Ataraxy instructed Colton through transplanting a tomato bush.

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User avatar
canopy
Review
canopy wrote a review · Sun Jun 02, 2024 4:56 am

Hi!!

Dropping for a quick review here! I read your previous chapter too, so that I would have the correct context for this installment. I want to say that I quite enjoyed reading your story. The thought that someone as evil as the 'Dark Lord' would become attached to the 'Chosen one' destined to kill him and raise him as his own was one I found very refreshing and original.

However, there are a few things I want to point out.

All the transitions in this story happen very fast. I feel like you should give more description about everything, the ground situation, the Dark Lord, his generals, life under him etc.

Who was the Dark Lord? What did he want? Was he cruel? Did he have a temper? How did he treat those under his rule? Where the common people unhappy? Why? Where they starving? Where they repressed? How did the Dark Lord treat them?

I feel like some more description about the castle, the living conditions of the people, the Dark Lords fearsome army will really help the story. What it really needs is foreshadowing. Some description filled with ominous words that both give dramatic effect and and highlight the evilness or darkness of the 'Dark Lord'


Many things of importance happened while the chosen one was being raised. The Dark Lord thinks there are more than what will be recorded here.

The first instance of note happened three days after word had spread that the Dark Lord had adopted the chosen one. A mob had amassed around the Dark Lord’s castle. In the mob were the repressed, the idealist, the determined, and the concerned minions. Some had blades, but most had farming tools or axes. They began building bridges and ladders to enter the castle.

The guards watched anxiously. Ataraxy ordered them to not take any action until the Dark Lord tells them otherwise. He signaled for them to open the gate. The castle was exposed with only a lone ruler to defend it.

“Your evil rule shall end.” A brave one shouted.

“Do what you want with any land beside my castle.” The Dark Lord returned to his castle.

The mob were confused. They slowly dispersed.


Here you can - just a suggestion - start out by saying something like, " The grey clouds of the sky had not yet dispersed. They heavy scent of rain and earth swirled in the air. The breeze blew, cold and sweet. Few rays of golden sunshine escaped the hold of the dark grey clouds, falling upon the magnificent obsidian castle in which the Dark Lord resided. The verdant greenery rustled."

Adding such or similar descriptions can really help elevate and bring your story to life.

Now, to the story itself, the entire part of the mob confuses me, they were so terrified earlier, what gave them such courage? Was it the 'Chosen one? Did they come to save him? Why did they give up and disperse so easily? Someone as evil as the 'Dark Lord' had their saviour but a sentence from the Dark Lord and they just dispersed? Just like that?

This also brings forth the question as to what about the Dark Lord's rule changed after he decided to become a father. Did his army disband? Did he still live in the castle? Was he secluded? Did he ever leave? How did the common people react? Did he fade to a memory? A legend?





Another instance was when Colton went up to a guard’s kid. “You want to play.”

“I can’t.”

“Can we do it another time?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“My momma told me to stay away from you.”

“Why?”

“You are the Dark Lord’s kid if I hurt you... Momma says bad things will happen.” The kid ran away.

The castle hasn’t had guards since then.


This bit is also an example of how things seen to move and shift rapidly, this needs to be eased into, again, description and detail can go a far way in improving things as this part raises some questions about Colton himself. How old is he? Is there anything special about him? What kind of a child is he? How is he being raised? How is the relationship between Rex and Colton? How is Rex different from the Dark Lord? How has the relationship between Rex and Ataraxy changed? Is it still Lord and general? Is the Dark Lord still feared?

Again, my advice would be to add description and detail.


Overall, I really liked your story, it's really intriguing and interesting and I really loved the way it ended, that was very beautifully put. I'm looking forward to reading the coming chapters!

Everything expressed is my opinion, accept or reject whatever you want.


Take care!

-KB

User avatar
Horisun
Review

Hi! I hope you're having a good evening so far, and happy Review Day!

I really enjoy the subversion you've applied as the centerpiece to your story. This concept is interesting, and I'm curious to see where you take it. Depending on the theme you want to depart, I could see this either becoming a story about fate, or about defying it.

I really liked Colton's conversation with Ataraxy. Specifically that last line,

“Now, I realize how peaceful toiling dirt is. I did not know that before. I guess I am saying I would rather be a warrior dreaming of farming than a farmer dreaming of war.”


this idea that war gave him a new appreciation for life. That, from strife, he derived a greater meaning, and found a better purpose than he had before. This is a very strong message, my one issue with it is what we saw in the last chapter, where he stood by as children, like Colton, were killed. There is a difference between being a faceless foot soldier, and being the right hand of the "dark lord."

Overall, I really enjoyed the dialogue between each character. Like I said, I enjoyed how much we learned about Ataraxy, and it was fun to learn more about his past. However, I would really enjoy seeing more narrative writing from you! I think that, without descriptive language and dialogue tags and all that, the pacing of this story gets thrown off a little, if that makes sense.

For example, this interaction here:

“I can’t.”

“Can we do it another time?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“My momma told me to stay away from you.”

“Why?”

“You are the Dark Lord’s kid if I hurt you... Momma says bad things will happen.” The kid ran away.


feels rushed because we don't get any insight to what this means to Colton. We don't get to see any of his hurt, and we don't learn anything about this other kid.

Furthermore, without any description, the narrative can sometimes feel ungrounded. Using that section as an example once more, we don't know where these two characters are, what they look like, or how their words effect each other. You also miss out on key opportunities to set the tone- I imagine the dark lords castle might be a scary place to grow up, so using stronger language to back up the shift from how it was before to how it is now could do well to show the change in the dark lord versus telling us it.

All in all, though, this is an interesting start to a story. Like I said, I think there's a whole bunch of different things you can do with it, and I like how you've introduced each of the characters to us. Ataraxy might be my favorite so far, but I look forward to seeing more from the dark lord!

With that said, I hope you have a great rest of your night! Keep on writing, and happy Review Day! :D



There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
— William Shakespeare