My creative writing teacher made me write this, so grudgingly I did. The surprising part is that I actually liked how it turned out.
I Am
I am an old soul with great ambitions
I wonder what will come of me after highschool
I hear the tapping if an impatient foot
I see my name printed in the New England Journal of Medicine
I want less stress
I am an old soul with great ambitons
I pretend to be a carefree child
I feel the worry lines begining on my forehead
I touch the ground and take in it's warmth
I worry over unnecessary things
I cry over other's broken hearts
I am an old soul with great ambitions
I understand little of myself
I say listen to John Lennon and let it be
I dream of seeing Iceland and Australia and everywhere in between
I try to live up to expectations but still keep true to myself
I hope those expectations don't burry me alive
I am an old soul with great ambitions
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Hey. Great Poem Doyle! I did an assignment just like this about three years ago - right at the beginning of fifth grade. I like your analogies, your comparisons, your grammar is good - It's almost perfect, but one thing that really bugged me was the flow of language in your Poem. It didn't seem catchy, cool pretty.
I can't rewrite your poem for you - that's your job, after all, but I do have a few tips.
1. Reordering Words.
For example :
I want less stress
Can be swapped for:
Less, I want stress.
That sounds nicer already, doesn't it?
2. Always Keep A Thesaurus Handy.
You have to be careful with this one - you don't want to abuse your thesaurus - make sure big words are always being used in the right context. But you can trade a plain word like 'broken' and replace it with 'shattered'.
Other than that, great poem. Best of luck to you in your writing. See you on the back-up site this week!