Published February 4, 2013
Hello everyone, here is chapter two of the mystery of the Magnificent Mansion. The plot thickens as we are introduced too all our characters... but is everyone exactly who the seem to be? Read and find out :). Here are a few words to help understand the french:
Monsieur- Mr.
Mademoiselle- Ms.
Madame- Ms.
Magnifique- Magnificent
s'il vous plait- If it pleases you or If you please.
Oui- Yes (pronounced wi)
Here is a link to the first chapter: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=99468
Jacque took out his pocket watch and glanced at it. 5:00 PM exactly, he stepped out of the car and told his chauffer to go home and to not return until 12:00 PM. The weather had taken a turn for the worst and an ominous storm cloud loomed overhead threatening to release its tears and drown the world for the sins that it has committed.
Jacque had always hated such weather, its gloomy frown left Jacque unsettled as he sauntered up an enormous walkway that led to the great doors of the Leroy Mansion. The walkway seemed to be longer then the drive to the mansion itself. Jacque straightened his white coat with his white gloves and started the long trek to the door.
The Mansion seemed ominous; it was surrounded by Red rose that had grown wildly and out of control like vines, they threatened to climb up and devour the house. The roses were unwelcomed but impossible to be rid of; they just grew, and grew, and grew until death was brought down upon the house.
At long last Jacque finally arrived at the mansion after the long trek up. He stood at the large wooden doors and observed the embroidering. Jacque reached up to take the metal knocker when he heard a large creaking. The door reluctantly crept opened making a loud squeaking noise and the butler peaked his head out and squinted at Jacque.
“Can I help you sir?” He said in a monotone voice.
“Ah, Oui monsieur, I am here for the party which I was invited to”
“Party sir?” He furrowed his brow and frowned.
“Oui, Mr. Leroy invited me”
“Who?” He asked innocently.
“Oh god Herbert Lark! Stop playing tricks on the guests!” Undoubtedly Mr. Leroy’s voice that came from within the house.
“Yes sir, sorry sir” Herbert opened the door to let Jacque in to a massive room covered by a very expensive French rug of the finniest material. The large room had colossal ceilings the reached to touch the sky and a stairway that led into a second floor.
Mr. Leroy gestured towards the stairway, “This way Mr. Leferre, is to dinner whenever you become hungry. The other guests are soon to arrive, and Herbert” He turned and gave Herbert a look as cold as death itself “Try to be nice” and then gave his deathly grin.
“I shall retire to my room for a moment, there is a call that I am expecting. Please feel free to sit down,” He then gestured to the furniture that lay scattered across the room. Mr. Leroy turned and urgently trotted away towards the stairs while another knock came from the door. Herbert took a small sip of something from a flask in his waistcoat pocket and then walked in long strides to let in the impatient guest.
When the familiar loud creaking pierced threw the silence, there appeared a man and a lady with their arms linked. The man is cleanly shaven and about average height, around 6’. He had thick curly brown hair and had and pug nose, as if his nose had been flattened and now only barley patruded from underneath his blue eyes. He also wore a black suit with a plain red bowtie. The lady he walked in with was near the same height but that was with her 3 or 4 inch high heels. She walked with a purpose and her fiery red hair hung loose to her shoulder blades tied in a French braid. She saw Jacque and flashed her perfect teeth at him.
“Mr. Leferre? What a pleasure to see you here” She said still beaming at him. “Darling look who it is” She prodded her husband with her index finger. “It’s Mr. Leferre. You know, the famous detective.”
“Oh yes I have heard of you Mr. Luh-Fer-Y is it?”
“Luh-Fair” he corrected.
The husband chuckled. “Oh yes of course. Well allow me to introduce myself. I am Dr. Roberts, and this here is my wife…”
“Lucinda! I’m Lucinda” She cut in, she stuck out her hand to Jacque “What a pleasure” Jacque smiled and took her hand to kiss it. Lucinda let out a shrilling laugh
“Oh Mr. Leferre you are a charmer, come lets have a drink” She dragged Jacque over to the couch where a bottle of gin lay there with empty glasses waiting patiently to be filled. She poured three glasses and handed one to her husband and Jacque. It was good gin, but not quite Jacque’s taste. Never the less he drank it anyways. Guests started coming in and introducing themselves, there was a large verity of people but all their names soon began to blur together. Soon the people swarmed the room and gin was passed around and new gin was brought to the table. Jacque sipped at his glass slowly so as not to lose his appetite before dinner.
“Mr. Leferre! I didn’t expect to see you here!” It was Cubilla Black from the museum. She again was in another extravagant dress, it was still all black but she was covered in a fine silk and had a large fuzzy scarf wrapped around her neck. She whipped off the scarf and threw it at Harold who stood sulking at the door. Harold stared at the scarf as if he didn’t know what to do with it, and then remembering his job he hung the scarf up on the coat hanger.
“Ah, Madame. What a pleasure” He got up from where he was sitting to deliver a kiss to her hand.
Cubilla let out another squeaky laugh “Well I am surprised myself that I am here. I really wouldn’t dream of coming here after his little temper tantrum” She gave Jacque a little wink.
“Then why are you here madame?”
“Oh, well… simply to uh… see the house again. It was always something of great meaning to me” she gave Jacque a nervous smile.
“Ah, no matter, but madame. s'il vous plaît to tell me who are these people”
“Oh yes of course. See that man over there, the one curly black hair, long nose, slender body, and glasses? That is the fiction writer Kurtis Fletcher. He’s from America but is a brilliant writer never the less” Someone handed her some gin and she took a swig from her glass “And over there next to him is the Doctor Roberts and his Wife Lucinda. If you take my advice Mr. Leferre, stay away from Lucinda. She is a trouble maker that one.” She squinted her eyes.
Jacque shrugged “It is not up to me to decide such things. But s'il vous plait who is that man on the armchair, talking to madame Roberts?” Jacque pointed towards the man in the armchair, he was a large man but not quite fat. He smoked from a short cigarette and was in need of a new one.
“Oh that. That is the colonel Marquez. Oh and that’s his wife Alice over there to his right with the blond hair and blue dress. Marquez was there when the robbing of the bank occurred. He even shot and killed those two men trying to get away. A real national hero, a man anyone should aspire to be” She tipped her glass back all the way but then realized it was empty and frowned. She moved to get another drink when Louis Leroy descended down the stairs like a plague. He was linked arm and arm with a magnificent woman who walked with a cigarette holder. She was wearing a spectacular black dress and held in her hand a thick and long cigarette holder which she stuck in-between her teeth to inhale the smoke and puff out a black cloud.
The lady’s black dress hung loosely at her shoulders and Mr. Leroy stepped forward and smiled. “Dinner. Is served” he gave a deep bow and began walking up the stairs with the woman and everyone followed. When Jacque entered the dinning room he nearly gasped in shock. There was a large room filled with a slender dinner table that stretched near the length of the room, with several chairs stationed at the dinner table. At the top of the room there was a massive chandelier with hundreds of pieces of diamond shaped glass hanging from the light. In front of each chair there was a beautiful china plate embroidered with a picture of a rose around the plate.
“Magnifique” Jacque exclaimed, taking his seat.
“Yes, yes really rather amazing, I’ve never been in this room before” Cubilla said, looking around in awe. Mr. Leroy cleared his throat as everyone sat down and silence fell upon the room. Louis gave his tooth grin.
“Ladies and Gentlemen I am proud to present to you, my wife. Lyla Leroy” Louis gentle took his wife’s hand who gracefully stood up and flashed a charming smile of perfection and then quietly sat down.
“I am very pleased that you all managed to make it to my party. Really not much of a party without any of you” Louis chuckled at his own joke. “Never the less I invite you all to stay the night in my house if any of you are compelled to. My rooms are always open to any and all of you! And now for dinner” Louis took another puff of his cigar as servants swarmed into the room carrying dozens of different assortments of foods, any type of food imaginable, Mexican, French, Italian, duck, pig, quail, and some exquisite tarts. And many more that Jacque couldn’t even identify. There was a variety of fruits and salads and rice and every kind of food one could even think of. And it kept coming; Louis’s supply seemed endless. One of the waiters poured Jacque a chardonnay Pinot Noir dated in 1893. A very good year he thought as he sipped his wine.
While dinner continued Alice Marquez had turned and looked at Jacque with awe.
“Jacque Leffere! Is that you? It is you! Oh my what a pleasant surprise. Oh this is so exciting, meeting celebrities” Alice let out a mousy giggle.
“Madame, no no no. Jacque Leffere is no celebrity”
“Oh rubbish, you’re to modest! Everyone in England knows your face”. To bad none of them can pronounce my name Jacque thought.
“Why merci Madame”
“Pardon? Merci…?”
“Excusez- moi, how you say the thanking…”
“Oh you mean thank you. Yes, yes of course, of course. Well your most welcome. I say have you met my husband? The famous Colonel Marquez” She smiled smugly when she said “famous”.
“No, I have not yet had the pleasure…”
“Oh why you simple must!” Alice lept from her chair and took Jacque by the arm and dragged him to his feet to walk around the dinner table. Even in her 3-inch heels Alice could barely reach Jacque’s arm that towered over her. When they finally reached where the Colonel was sitting he was talking to Louis Leroy.
“Are you planning on staying the night Marquez?” Louis inquired skeptically.
“Yes I do believe I am. Such a great house you have, how could I decline such a gratuitous offer?” The Colonel replied
“Yes, my thoughts exactly. We already have your room prepared, right across the hall from mine.”
“Why I am honored,” The Colonel said with adulation while Alice cleared her high-pitched voice impatiently.
“Honey. I would like you to meet my dear friend here, Jacque Leffere.” Alice said with a smile plastered on her face.
“Ah Mr. Luh-Fer- Y, it truly is a pleasure, I’ve heard a lot about you” The Colonel stuck out his hand. Jacque frowned, but didn’t bother correcting him about his name and shook the Colonel’s hand.
“And I you Monsieur. Your work in the war is truly amazing” The colonel smiled complacently.
“Why thank you, I have done my time and look what it has done for us in the war. Most remarkable isn’t it”
“Oui monsieur. And your work as head of the police force now, I’ve read so much about you. Especially so recently”
“Yes, I agree it is most impressive. I only wish I had gotten the chance to shoot the rest of the bastards. We are hot on their trail you know. This will be the case of the century when I close it out” He gave Jacque a lazy wink as Louis stood up from his chair.
“Ladies and Gentlemen the dinner is over. But if you would follow me please downstairs.” Louis locked arms with Lyla and slowly walked down the stairs while everyone else trailed behind him. Kurtis Fletcher walked along side Jacque.
“Enjoying your self Mr. Leffere?” Kurtis said, his hands fidgeting uncontrollably. Jacque smiled at the fact that at least one person got his name right, ironically by the only person in the room who wasn’t from England.
“Oui, and you? Monsieur Fletcher”
“Please, call me Kurtis. And well, lets just say I didn’t come here for the food”
“Really Kurtis? If not for the dinner then what did you come for?”
“Oh… nothing in particular. But to be quite honest… Jacque? Can I call you Jacque?”
“But of course Monsieur”
“Yes well, to be quite honest” Kurtis’s voice dropped to a whisper. “I really rather hate Mr. Leroy” Jacque raised a curious eyebrow.
“And why is that Monsieur Kurtis?”
“Would you stop with all the Monsieur stuff?! It’s way to formal! Anyways, the guy is an ass. He just decides to fire everyone who works for him? Who does that!” Everyone had reached the bottom of the stairs now and Louis turned to address his guests.
“Well now here we are, it is 10:37 exactly. I suggest that we play some bridge” He walked over to another set of doors and flung them open, leading into another giant room with a ceiling as high as the sky. In the room there were 6 bridge tables on top of more elegant French rugs and a fireplace the middle of the room. As Louis was turning back he ran straight into Cubilla black who shrieked and bounced off of Louis, dropping her glass of gin.
“Mrs. Black!” Louis gave her a puzzled look. “Good to see you” He squinted his eyes and his statement sounded more like a question. “Any particular reason why you are here?” Cubilla scrambled to her feet and composed her self.
“Why of course, I… um…” her eyes scampering desperately across the room. “I came with Jacque Leffere” She exclaimed, smiling nervously while Louis gave her another skeptical look.
Turning back to his guests Louis said, “Now if you will excuse me I will retire to my room” he turned back towards the stairs.
“As will I” The Colonel said adjusting his uniform as he threw what was left of his cigar into an ashtray. Louis turned and smiled enchantingly at his guests.
“Good night” Louis said closing the door behind him.
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Hola mi amigo!

I'm happy to see you have posted more!
her fiery red hair hung loose to her shoulder blades tied in a French braid.
I don't know if hair can be loose and in a braid.
Lucinda let out a shrilling laugh
Shrill instead of shrilling, remember your punctuation!
She again was in another extravagant dress,...
I don't think you need both again and another in this sentance.
Cubilla let out another squeaky laugh...
When was the first squeaky laugh?
“And over there next to him is the Doctor Roberts and his Wife Lucinda...
make it: and his wife, Lucinda
Mexican, French, Italian, duck, pig, quail, and some exquisite tarts. And many more that Jacque couldn’t even identify.
Make the period a comma.
“Oh rubbish, you’re to modest! Everyone in England knows your face”. To bad none of them can pronounce my name Jacque thought.
The secind sentance should be a new paragraph.
That was all I would change! I love the story and the characters!
-Iki
Yay! More! Comments follow:
Unless those doors are covered in fabric you probably want carving.Is he planning to stay for seven hours?! And you've capitalised “Red” for some reason. “unwelcome” would be a more comfortable use here. (Without the d)
This feels like a super long sentences because of the and, I think. It should also be “open” use a comma after that, and I would do it also at “noise” but that might be a comma splice? I’m bad at commas, but you need some.
It is of course his voice which is monotone, so lose “voice” here. Is Jacques considerate about grammar? He might prefer “I am here for the party, to which I was invited.” This way you don’t end on a preposition. Furrowing a brow is the same as frowned, pick one. And “undoubtedly” doesn't work here, just shuck it.
You don’t need to tell us it is expensive, just of the “finest” material. Secondly, the repetition of the size of the anteroom is grating already, and the description of it reaching the sky is… kitsch or something, it’s silly. You have too much “THIS IS BIG” going on here. Talk about the grandeur of the staircase instead of all this guff, how the staircase rose from the ground and split to the separate wings of the home, the mahogany railing recently buffed to shine. Or something, give me a little more variety in your descriptions.
He’s making him sit in the hallway? Ruuuude.
“Through”, creaking doesn't jive with pierced to me, but that isn’t much. I’d use “a couple with their arms linked” cause then you can describe them later and identify them as male and female. Avoid unnecessary repetition when you can, in descriptions like these. They don’t add anything to your text and get in the way of the reading of it. In the same paragraph: “Barely” and “protruded” – if the woman’s hair is loose than it cannot also be tied in a French braid.
Variety, also earlier “let’s” because it’s the contraction of let us.
Okay, she isn't “walking with a cigarette holder” so just lose that, it’s way confusing. In the second, you should decide if it is long or thick, most holders were long and slim, and I should hope the smoke wasn't black! Otherwise she’d be killing herself no doubt.
The follow on paragraph, move the description of her dress up to the earlier paragraph and just have Leroy’s but, otherwise it’s a weird connection. Also, embroidery is ONLY for fabrics, it’s when you stitch on pictures or writing, a kind of sewing. You can’t do it to plates. It is perhaps painted, covered, emblazoned (only for bold things) or engraved or something. Also when is this set? Mexican food seems incredibly unlikely.
Why do all these women have high pitched voices? Can one of them be normal or have a deep voice or something? Also, again, it can’t be as high as the sky. Jacques is being picked up at midnight! Is that changing? I suppose we find out. Probably we find out Leroy is dead and then he has to cancel his man. Leroy is incredibly rude, always retiring to his room and the statements of exact time are incredibly sus! Are you making it too easy for me? I feel Leroy is certainly going to die. Have you worked out the murderer yet? I bet it’s his wife!
Enjoying this, but please run it through a spell check before you post! It’s a waste of both our times for me to be correcting spelling. Even the YWS box has a spell check in it. Any questions, queries and the like still hit me up. I look forward to the next bit.
~ Pen.