Merci- Thankyou
Madame- Mrs.
Mademoiselle- Ms.
Monsieur- Mr.
Oui- Yes (pronounced wi)
s'il vous plaît- if it pleases you (or if you please)
I promise that most of this is just dialogue, happy reading!
It took everyone in the room a moment to register what had just occurred. Louis Leroy lay dead in a puddle of his own blood and Lyla Leroy is at her knees staring at her dead husband in horror. Everyone just stared at the body dumbfounded until Dr. Roberts walked in.
“What is it? What did I miss…” his voice trailed off when he saw Louis’s dead body. “Oh… my…. God…” More tears poured from Lyla’s place onto the puddle of blood.
“Don’t touch anything!” The Colonel shouted while dressed in a robe where his large belly distended from his body. “There might be finger prints”. Lyla let out another ear shattering wail as her entire body went into spasms again and the entire house shook with grief and despair. “Will someone get her out of here!” The Colonel shouted taking his cigar out of his mouth. Kurtis bent down and tried to pull Lyla to her feet but she wouldn’t budge so he had to drag her out. Lyla’s face had been destroyed; her tears had smeared her makeup and now streaks of black roll down her face and drip on to her breast.
“I want everyone to leave this room and go home” The Colonel commanded, everyone got up to leave but Jacque’s stern voice interrupted them.
No! No, Monsieur. We must questioned them immediately,” The Colonel stuck his cigar back into his mouth and glared at Jacque, taking a step forward.
“Are you challenging my authority? Mr. Luh-Fer-Y, a dangerous game to be playing”. The Colonel’s cold gaze bore into Jacque’s eyes.
“It’s Luh-
Fair! Oui Monsieur. I was hired rather recently by Madame Lyla to study this case. And as such that Monsieur Leroy is dead it is my duty to uphold my word and solve this case, no matter the cost.” Jacque took a step forward and towered over Colonel Marquez by a full 9”, the Colonel’s teeth grinded on his cigar, crushing it in his mouth.
“Honey… Jacque is right. It is best that we… do as he says. He is a professional after all…” Alice stepped forward gently rubbing her husbands shoulder.
“I’m the god damn profession here! You got that.” The cigar dropped from the Colonel’s mouth while he was screaming at Jacque. He took a deep breath and turned back to the massive French man. “Very well Mr. Leferre. But I assure, the police are on my side. Do not get in my way again.” He took out a small box and grabbed a new cigar, thrusting it stubbornly in his mouth and then lighting it. He took a deep breath and puffed out a large black cloud before leaving the room.
“Ladies and gentleman” Jacque turned toward the rest of the guests. “If I may have a few minutes alone. Please do not leave the house.” The guest grimly left the room while Jacque closed the door behind him, pulling on his white gloves he got on his knees to observe the room. In the middle was Louis’s dead body but of course, as well as Jacque knew, it was the little details that were the most important. He decided that he should finish his notes before the police arrived, which was bound to be soon.
The very first thing that Jacque noticed was how cold the room had gotten as more tears fell from the sky outside. The only light came from the small chandelier hanging over the blood writhen body. Jacque looked down and noticed that the window was open.
Now who in their right mind would open their window during a thunderstorm? Jacque thought as he pulled out a notebook and a pen. He made a quick note to himself
window open.
Jacque got up from his crouch and walked over to observe the dead body. Louis’s eyes had rolled up crossed eyed staring at the gaping hole embedded in his head. Which made Jacque wonder, he looked down at the revolver floating in the pool of blood.
Who shoots someone and then leaves the gun on the floor? Thousands of un-answered questions were floating in Jacques head, spinning around and around and around making him dizzy. Jacque sighed and rests his head in his hand when something catches his eye. In the far corner of Louis’s room rests a single desk with a small safe sitting on top of it. The safe had been left open and was empty.
Was it always empty?
Jacque pondered this for a second and then took more notes in his book when he starts to hear footsteps clanking on the stairs. Jacque stood up quickly and was walking towards the door when something else caught his eye. A small hand sized clock was lying on the floor next to the bed. He quickly bent over and studied the clock. He took out a small evidence bag and gently placed it inside and then stuck it into his pocket. Jacque stood up as the door opened, revealing the Colonel followed by a handful of Police officers.
“Mr. Leferre” The Colonel gave him a charming smile. “If you would please excuse us while we utilize this room. Question the guests if you like” The Colonel stepped aside and motioned towards the door. Jacque smiled and walked out of the room, filled with the fresh stench of death. He walked down the stairs where everyone was sitting with dismay hanging in the air. Lyla and Kurtis were sitting on the couch together, Lyla was still sobbing but had calmed down for the most part while Kurtis had a protective arm around her and rubbing her back, cooing calming words. Alice was clearly distraught while she nervously stroked her blond hair time and time again. Lucinda was shaking in her husband’s arms while Cubilla was pacing back and forth behind the couch, biting on her nails.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Jacque said politely interrupting the silence. “Given the events of what happened today, I will be needing to interview you each individually. Starting with Madame Lyla” Jacque turned towards Lyla who looked up in distraught. She got up slowly while Kurtis was holding her in case she fell; he walked her over to the bridge room where Jacque motioned for them to enter.
“Kurtis, I’m fine. I can handle myself thank you” Lyla shook off Kurtis’s hands and stood erect, walking into the room and taking a seat at one of the bridge tables. Jacque shut the door behind him and took his seat across from Lyla.
“So, Madame Lyla. I am truly sorry for your husband” Lyla sniffled.
“Yes.” There was a long silence. “So am I... I suppose”
Jacque pursed his lips, wondering about how he should approach the situation. “Madame Lyla, when your husband was shot there were a few things that were very peculiar”
“Like the fact that he was dead…” Lyla turned away and there was yet another long silence. Jacque sighed.
“The window was left open, in the middle of a rain storm. Does you husband usually do that?” Lyla took a long sigh and turned back to Jacque, submitting herself to his interrogation.
“No. No of course not. No he does not. He wouldn’t ever leave the window open. Must less during a thunder storm.”
Jacque took some notes down in his little book.
“And also the safe on his desk…”
“Yes? What of it?”
“Well, has it always been empty?”
“Empty? What are you talking about?”
“Well Madame, when we entered the room the safe was left open and empty.”
“What!” Lyla got up from her seat now furious. “There was more then 100 quid in that safe! And Louis wouldn’t dare leave it open.” Lyla narrowed her eyes, as her black claws raked across the bridge table.
“I assure you Madame, I am going to get to the bottom of this case. Just one more question, does this mean anything to you?” Jacque held out the clock in his evidence bag. Lyla’s face still remained un-changed as she slowly sat down.
“It was the bedside clock. It never moved. Why?”
“No reason Madame, Merci. But real quick, do you have any Idea who killed your husband?” Lyla pondered this for a moment and looked up back to Jacque.
“Not a clue, I wish I knew”
Ah, so do I. And please s'il vous plaît send in Madame Lucinda” Lyla got up to leave.
“Thank you Jacque. And yes of course.” She walked out the doors and Jacque waited as a moment passed and Lucinda walked through the doors. Lucinda sat down at the chair opposite to Jacque and folded her hands in her lap.
“Madame Roberts. Where were you when the shot was fired?” Jacque inquired leaning forward a little, leaning on his arms.
“Why of course. I was banging on the bathroom door that Cubilla was in. Trying to get my Goddamn money back. That girl can’t be trusted take my word for it Mr. Leferre”. Lucinda crossed her legs and looked at Jacque who smiled softly.
“Merci Madame, at the scene of the crime there was an empty safe sitting in the corner that previously had over 100 quid…” Lucinda let out a dramatic gasp “does that mean anything to you Madame Roberts?”
“Why of course not! I don’t steal money; just who do you think I am? Do I look like a murderer to you Mr. Leferre?”
“No, Madame Roberts, you do not look like a murderer to me. But neither does everyone in that room. Nobody looks like a murderer to me. Madame Roberts, before you leave I have one more quick question.”
“And what’s that?”
“Who do you think killed Monsieur Louis?” Lucinda thought for a minute and then let out a coy smile.
“Well now that you mention the money and the safe…”
“Yes Madame?”
“Well it’s obvious isn’t it! It’s Cubilla Black of course! How stupid we must be. That woman is an insufferable drunk who can’t be controlled. She will do anything for money, whatever the costs. This was the perfect opportunity oh it must be true.” Lucinda leapt up in excitement. Jacque furrowed his brow.
“But Madame, Cubilla was in the bathroom re-doing her make up and you were pounding on the door as you said before” Jacque gave Lucinda a suspicious look while her smile faded slightly.
“Well, I didn’t actually see her go into the bathroom. It was locked and I just assumed she was in there because she said she was going to ‘powder her nose’. Oh that women… I can’t stand her. Did you know that she didn’t get a huge cinematography because it got out that she was a drunk? Ghastly, simply ghastly, it is obvious don’t you see?”
“Thank you Madame Roberts that will be all.” Jacque smiled politely. Lucinda left the room as Jacque rubbed his eyes tiredly.
No sleep tonight it seems. Next Alice walked in timidly, still nervously stroking her hair.
“Madame Marquez, please sit” Jacque offered to the chair across from him. Alice still looked around puzzled.
“What…? Oh yes! Um… of course, yes yes of course” Alice walked slowly over to the chair and took her seat.
“So, Madame Marquez, where were you when the shot was fired?” Alice looked around nervously for a moment and then, realizing something was said, focused in on Jacque.
“What…?”
“Where were you when Louis Leroy was killed?”
“Oh… yes of course. I was with my husband in his room.”
“And what was your husband doing?”
“Well, he was getting ready for bed. He put on his bathrobe and sat on the bed but he never went to sleep. Eventually I got tired of trying to urge him to go downstairs and I walked into the hallway next to Louis door at about 11:35ish…”
“Can you be a little more specific Madame?” Alice frowned.
“I’m so sorry Mr. Leferre but I’m not sure about the exact time. I checked my watch about 5 or so minutes before I left the room and it was 11:31 exactly as I remember. A few minutes later I walked into the hall and took a right into the bathroom to fix my lipstick, I had ruined it while eating dinner and I haven’t bothered to fix it sense.”
“And did you notice anything out of the ordinary a little before murder?”
“No not at all… well actually… now that you mention I do remember one thing in particular” Jacque leaned forward, intrigued with his notebook open and ready.
“Yes Madame?”
“Well before the shot I distinctly remember look down at my watch, it was precisely 11:40 and when I walked out of the bathroom, I noticed that Herbert, the butler, was walking out of Louis’s room.” Jacque furrowed his brow and scrunched is face, giving Alice a puzzled look.
“Are you positive about this Madame? Was it exactly 11:40? Are you sure?”
“Yes I am quite sure Mr. Leferre! I know exactly what I saw and I had looked down at my watch in it said precisely 11:40. Why what’s wrong Mr. Leferre?”
“Nothing Madame, nothing…” Jacque’s voice trailed off, deep in thought. Herbert had never gone up the stairs and that was the only way to get to the second level. Jacque and Lyla had been sitting at the entrance and the only people that went up the stairs were Lucinda, Cubilla, and Kurtis… and then it hit Jacque like a slap in the face. Dr. Roberts didn’t go up the stairs either. He didn’t even come out of the bridge room. Had he gone up the stairs after the gunshot to see everything Jacque would have heard his “clacking” footsteps on the stairs.
If he didn’t come up the stars…. Where did he come from?
P.S: So in this piece I had difficulties trying to right the interviews without it sounding totally boring and the usual: "and than this happened... and than this... and than this..." So I'm not sure how to fix that. All comments are welcome :).
Salutations. I have come hither to review another of your works. I will...try...to be briefer this time.
The first sentence is a bit...awkward, the phrase "what had just occurred" in particular. Perhaps clean that up a little. Also, "and Lyla Leroy is at her knees" is in present tense, while the rest is in past.
"his" should be capitalized here, as it is the beginning of a sentence.
After the dialogue, "The" shouldn't be capitalized. Also, I believe fingerprints is one word.
"The" should be lowercase here as well. Also, there should be a comma after "shouted."
There should be a comma after "feet" and "budge".
That should be rolled and dripped.
There should be a comma after "home", and "The" shouldn't be capitalized. Also, that sentence is a comma splice; add a conjunction after the comma or change the comma to a period or semi-colon.
That should be "We must question them." Also, the comma at the end of the dialogue should be a period; "The Colonel stuck his cigar into his mouth" is a complete sentence, so it should be separate from the dialogue.
I presume the period should be inside the dialogue.
This is a comma splice; add a conjunction after the comma or turn the comma into a period or semi-colon. Also, I think that's "ground on his cigar".
There should be a comma after "forward." Also, that should be "her husband's shoulder."
Add a period after "gentleman", inside the quotation marks. Also, is that supposed to be "gentleman"? I can't remember whether is more than one man.
Firstly, I think that's "the guests left the room". Also, the second sentence is missing some punctuation. The comma after "behind him" should be a period or semi-colon. Also, there should be a comma after "gloves."
I think that should be "bloody, writhen body." It could also be "blood-writhen", but I'm not sure something can really be writhen with blood.
I think that should be "He made a quick note to himself: window open." (With the italics.)
I think that should be "staring cross-eyed at the gaping hole..." Also, there should be a comma after "rolled up."
It doesn't really make sense to say "which made Jacque wonder" at the start of the sentence; that makes it seem as if Louis being cross-eyed made him wonder. Perhaps something like "Jacque wondered, as he looked down at the revolver..., Who shoots someone and the leaves the gun on the floor?"
Firstly, "unanswered" is one word. Also, that should be "Jacques's head". Also, there should be a comma after the last "around." I'm also not sure that you need three "around"s; I think two would suffice.
This changes to present tense.
I think that should be "Had it always been empty?" to keep tense consistent.
That should be "When he started to hear footsteps".
There should be a period after "Leferre".
Are you sure "utilize" is the best word? I would think he would mean something like "examine".
This also needs a period at the end of the dialogue.
This sentence has a couple of errors. Firstly, it is a comma splice; make the comma after "together" a period or semi-colon or add a conjunction after it. Also, there should be a comma after "part". Also, there should be the word "was" before "rubbing".
I don't think "while" is the right word here. I think a semi-colon would work well instead.
Firstly, "Starting with Madam Lyla" would do better as part of the last sentence; change the period to a comma. Also, there should be a period at the end of the dialogue and a comma after "towards Lyla".
"While Kurtis was holding her" would be better as "with Kurtis holding her" or a comma and just "Kurtis holding her". There should also be a comma after "room".
There should be a comma after "myself" and a period after "you".
There should be a period after "husband".
End this with a period inside the quotes.
There should be a comma after "No".
"Thunderstorm" is one word.
Jacque took some notes down in his little book.
There should be a comma after "seat".
There doesn't need to be a comma after "eyes". If there is a comma, "as" should be "and".
"Unchanged" is also one word.
That should be "back up at Jacque", I think, or "looked up, back to Jacque".
The comma here should be a period. Also, there should be a period at the end of the dialogue.
There should be quotation marks at the beginning and a period at the end.
There should be a comma after "inquired". Also, you used the word "leaning" twice in a row; try to switch it out for another word such as "resting his head on his arms" or something.
There should be commas on either side of "take my word for it". Also, there should be a comma after "Jacque".
There should be a period after "gasp", outside of the quotes. Also, "does" should be capitalized, and there should be a comma after "you".
There should be a comma after "you".
There should be a comma after "obvious" and "Black". Also, I think "it's obvious, isn't it" should have a question mark.
There should be a period after "opportunity" and a comma after "oh".
There should be a comma after "before". Also, I don't think "while" is the right word. I think it should be "a suspicious look, and her smile faded..."
There should be a comma after "obvious".
There should be a comma after "you" and a period or comma after "Roberts".
There should be a comma after "tonight". Also, that should be "it seemed", unless these are his thoughts, in which case they should be italicized.
There should be a period after "sit". Also, I don't think that should be "offered to the chair", just "offered the chair". Also, there should be a comma after "around".
There should be a period after "course".
That should be "Louis's door".
That should be "five" written out (write out anything below ten).
I don't think "Where" needs to be capitalized.
And Google Drive says the word count is...2,211 words...38 less than the last one.
Well, brevity was never my strong suit.
Well, that's all. I really like the different clues you set up, making the reader try to think of a way they could be connected. Good luck with the next chapter!
Hey dogs,
Is he facing him while he’s screaming or what? Also, I don’t like screaming. This man is meant to be colonel, he didn't get there by screaming at people. Also black smoke again, stop trying to kill your characters with tar.Here for more noms! Ahahaha, you should have killed him!
The colonel shouts twice in the one paragraph and that’s mad distracting. Make the first a non-shout, the second works better as a shout. Also how do you think makeup works? That is not how makeup works. There would not be streaks unless she is also wiping at her eyes, I’m pretty sure. Man, oldentime makeup!
Everyone got up to leave? When did they sit down? Also, missing a speech mark next to “no”. The Colonel is what? Why does he have authority? I don’t understand. 9” isn't a thing, tell us what that actually is. And the past tense of “grind” is “ground” So his teeth ground into his cigar.
Tears = rain isn't working for me here. Too melodramatic when you've settled the tone into a nice medium drama and also floating gun again. No bueno floating. Maybe try “timepiece” instead of the second “clock” when referencing it next to the bed. You know about repetition etc.
The colonel isn't just going to be charming! He needs to be charming if strained or something. Guy like that is still going to be a bit red in the face after being dethroned. Then the group, too much description at once. Instead when you collect them make not of what they’re doing. “He collected Lyla from her seat next to Kurtis, leaving his arm with a distressed look” in any case, she doesn't look up in distraught but maybe distress.
[quote] Did you know that she didn't get a huge cinematography because it got out that she was a drunk?[quote] She didn't go well in cinematography maybe? This doesn't make sense as it is.
I’d prefer Alice said “11:30sih” if only because 11:35 is already pretty specific. Also, whut a liar Dr. Roberts totes hasn’t in his room. Lies!
Ahahaha I’m glad you go through it as Jacque, although I feel a little like it’s giving us too much, I’m too silly about not knowing facts! I think the information you give here is solid though, just confusing enough. Ooh did the clock have a time on it? Maybe that's why he's asking. Yaaay mystery!
You do well here to keep the information clear without being too boring. If you like you can mention who is in their sleeping wear and who isn't, and whether there are noises going on upstairs or around. Perhaps he considers going outside to look at where Louis’ room window is. Or he asks somewhere where the butler is at this point. I’d be more worried about if Dr. Roberts didn't go upstairs, why Alice is telling Jacques he did.
I think you’re getting a hold on the description and melodrama, and I look forward to more parts!
~ Pen.