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Never-Mentioned Enemy

by djmeitar2

An poem I once wrote. 

With the perpetuated smile, 

I had you cry out with my blade. c
Was I innocuous or vile?
How come you wouldn't evade?

Silently, coloring the marble with this red hue,
one shade it once wanted for,
I then surrender my self to you.
How come I let you win this war?

You were austerity,
accountable to every flood.
You have been poison in my blood.

Ho, self-destruction, was it fun,
you, enemy one cannot evade,
to have me torn apart with my own blade?

And you have such captivating creases,
I know the perfect blood-soaked piles
for those who couldn't keep perpetuating
their now-frozen, pretty smiles.

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53 Reviews

Points: 1279
Reviews: 53

Sun Aug 28, 2016 12:17 am
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Cynder wrote a review...

Cynder here. Hope you don't mind a review :)

In line 3, I think you meant "was I" but if you put "were" for the way it sounds in your poem, then by all means keep it the way it is!

I would also make "silently" a separate line because I don't think it relates to the words after it... I'm not entirely sure. It reads as if you had a 'lightbulb' moment and thought of the first few lines, then lost the magic right about there. So keep working on it, and if you should want any specific recommendations, feel free to message me!

I'm not sure I understand the "You, enemy one cannot evade..." I think you meant "an enemy one cannot evade," as in, an internal darkness? Although, truly speaking, with this type of poem, an author is forgiven for a few eccentric lines here and there. The individualistic aspect of a poem is what really makes one work different from another.

Continuing with that, I think your poem conveys your personality very well. You'd be surprised how many authors can't convey what they feel in a poem, not necessarily because it's difficult, but because it's different.

Other than that... the last few lines were simply marvelous. Sad but true, the way you relayed what you felt was just plain magic. Your poem is not overly long, but it conveys your underlying theme perfectly. Good work!!

djmeitar2 says...

Thank you for that! It was very helpful, and also taught me a lesson (I simply published an old work, without going through the lines, which is mandatory for those who are not native.). Between the technical comments, enriching perspectives about poems and interpretation were shared (it starts to sound like a review as well), and it is not obvious, so thank you for your contributions. Also thank you for the good words. I find it really motivating.

Cynder says...

I'm just glad I helped. Notify me of any new works of yours, yeah? I can't wait to see more! :)

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82 Reviews

Points: 13625
Reviews: 82

Sun Aug 28, 2016 12:10 am
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Eternity wrote a review...

Eternity here to review your poem!

Hey, mate. I like this a lot but just a few little things I could suggest.

The stanzas aren't even. And although it shouldnt matter, it throws me off. If it was 3,4,3,4,3 then it'd be fine. But it's 3,4,3,3,4

I really like the potential in this poem but you also added an extra C after the first line.

Not much for you today, but I like the deep meaning behind this as well. Sorry for the not so helpful review >.<

djmeitar2 says...

Hey Eternity, thank you very much!
I did notice those typos, but the things are edited here is tiring.
As for the stanzas, I remember struggling a lot. It was simply depicting a state of mind I believe, and I have seen patterns like these before, so I just left it as is.

Eternity says...

Okay! I totally understand! I'm glad the short review wasn't too much of a waste. I really do like the idea of it though. I can relate to it a lot >.>

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
— Mark Twain