Hello. This is a poem I worked on and it is yet to be titled. Grammar mistakes are a probable option in my works, since I am not native, and the struggles lingers. Reviews\critics are longed for and would be appropriate and appreciated very much, as long as they are constructive, with hopes that no comment remains ineffective.
As in garden of heaven,
I declared sacredness, and I awed and cherished;
God's creations each day, all the seven.
This love, by moonlight, will have perished.
As if I were dwelling in the garden,
I fought to keep all I have pledged.
As damned human nature is calling, to harden,
Innocence and faith are questioned, rendered alleged.
And like the garden's sole creator, so serene,
you lock our garden in a cage, One key you are possessing.
You paint the walls in blue and the floors in green
to hide it all you are repressing.
And have you, God, provided us with this perfection,
a garden rich in mines, a wrapped up deception,
lest we execute an action
failing to give you satisfaction?
And you, my love, listen, then reprimand me, weak and craven;
I now relinquish this despair, indoctrinated under your spell.
For I have escaped this golden cage, one they will rightfully call heaven,
but I have tasted the goods of heaven, and I would rather call it hell.
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brilliant work. A fictional garden that seems to exemplify the realities of life encoded in a suspenseful atmospherical tone that thrives in revealing a deep committed sense of life. thanks a lot.
Hey there! Arouet reporting for duty! I will try to be as straight and just as possible for your sake. First of all you should know that I don't read the explanations at the top of poems before reading the poem, only after. So the following critique is advice based on reading your poem without a backstory.
If I am correct this is about the false promise of being a Christian. How in the beginning you are true to Gods word and followed the bible adequately. That is until you truly experience the world and it's cruelty. You question people's 'Innocence and faith' as any young Christian would.
You then speak about how God locks away the heavens with only one key. If I can guess correctly you are implying that this key were 'Purity', 'Unconditional Love for God' or 'Sinless'.
And you question God's motives about how he put us in such a perfectly imperfect world where its impossible not to sin.
You then talk about your journey away from Christianity, about how you devoted yourself as a Christian and only got bad out of it.
Now to read your description.
Not much to it. I absolutely loved the poem, if I interpreted it correctly. However (I'm not a Christian) I would like to point out that the main point of being a Christian is so that you would not be tempted to sin, and even if you do, you can repent and God will save you. Your only Job as a Christian is not to never sin, simply to spread the word of God so that people will repent for their sins and gain access to heaven. Just wanted to point that out out of the sake of growing up a Christian and rationally deciding against it.
Love the poem, love the rhyming and the words.
Keep it up!
Viv, here to do a review for you.
I love this poem, it had a nice flow, certain words rhymed where they needed to rhyme. It gave off a peaceful and serene feeling that is always good with poetry. There's one line that needs a word added, "As in garden of heaven" add a "the" between in and garden. Also your descriptions were beautiful, a bit fantasy and a bit mystifying. It worked well.
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