Published November 19, 2009
Anti-bullying
Battered and bruised everyday?
Do you get a chance to go and play?
What happens when you have your say?
Do they still get it all their way?
Can you go to school without a doubt?
Even when they laugh and shout?
Do you know what its even about?
Or will you just leave then pout?
Do they think its all a game?
Do you feel stupid and oh so lame?
Everyday its always the same?
Its only them you can blame.
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This may sound surprising, but each of these questions can be a complete basis for a new poem. Awesome, no?
It's great that you are asking all these questions and putting them in poetry. Now, part of poetry is answering these sorts of questions in a highly artistic fashion... and thus causing people to open their eyes and think. So take these questions, flesh them out, and develop them further. The results will be wonderful, trust me.
This is a very touchy subject, you are brave for covering it.
I do think you used too many questions.. why not alternate with some declaration in between? Elaborate a little on the answers to the questions.
Also, you are writing this poem TO the person being bullied, maybe for comfort? You shouldn't use the word "pout". That makes them seem sort of "babyish" or immature. If you truly do feel their pain, you should sympathize with them a little more. "Pouting" is something we are discouraged from doing.
Keep writing!
I believe you have a very strong subject here. But the format isn't quite as strong as it could be. To me, it's mostly just a list of questions, "do you" "did this happen to you?" kind of thing.
Maybe you could try, as Dreamy said, putting it in free-verse form. Strict rhyming can be a bit corny, plus, I know, it's a real headache to write. I think if you made this a little longer, and used some description of some sort, even keeping with the questions format, you'd have a very moving piece.
Keep writing!
-Voxina
PS: you can PM me anytime if you have questions or want to talk.
Hey!
I can see that you've been bullied and/or witnessed it. I can see that you were venting when you wrote this. however:
poems don't need to rhyme1 you try too hard to make it all rhyme, and it makes it confusing.
you ask a lot of questions-- but you never answer them or elaborate.
also-- when searching for a way to fill out a line, don't use slang like "oh so". It makes you sound childish.
You show a lot of promise!!
keep writing!