John Stanley was an ordinary man. He lived in an ordinary house, on an ordinary street, with ordinary neighbours. He woke up at 7:30 in the morning and wrenched himself out of his bed. He was of middle age, but old age was beginning to take its toll on him. He drooped out of his bedroom, and slouched into the stairlift which begun to take him downstairs. He wrenched himself out of the stairlift, and wrenched himself to the kitchen. He made himself a cup of coffee. He wrenched himself and his coffee over to his couch, where he sat down with his coffee and turned on the TV. Suddenly, there was a stern knock on the door; not brute enough to be police or anything, but not rhythmic or soft enough to be of a child.
"Come in." spoke John Stanley, as he attempted to use his old and neglected vocal chords.
Whoever was at the door didn't open it, but preceded to enter the door via some sort of teleportation. Or maybe that was old age messing with John's hearing. He thought over getting a hearing aid, as he preceded to watch the TV with the sound off. John glanced at the TV, and noticed the sound was on. A tall man wearing a hood walked into the room. His face was shrouded in darkness, even though the room was perfectly bright.
"An' who would ye be?" muttered John.
"My name is not important." spoke the hooded figure in a stern tone.
"Well ye be damned, but what is it ye're here fer?" said John, angered by the man's arrogance.
"This home is to be demolished." spoke the hooded figure.
"Ach, go away, ye whipper-snapper." said John, in an angry tone. The man walked across the room, teleporting across half of it. John looked confused.
"If you don't want your home to be demolished, too bad. I'm not the one destroying your damn planet, the Wogons are doing that." spoke the hooded figure, in a slightly aggravated tone.
"Wogons? The hell are they?" yelled John.
"It dosen't matter. Go tell everyone what the planet's going to be doing in around twenty minutes." said the figure.
"What's it doing? And what's yer name?" said John.
"Not existing. And, it's... Honestly I've never thought about what it should be. Let's go with Zero." said Zero. And with that, he vanished.
Thirty years later...
"Navcom, echo target, ETA, and fuel usage."
A display flashes up reading "Zero Query: NEO Earth, ten point six AH, three gallons per AU."
Zero grimaces. "Decrease ETA to under three AH but use no more than ten gallons per AU."
The display flashes. It now reads "Zero Update: ETA: two AM, minimum fuel usage reached."
Zero grins. "Good. Wait, what are we planning to do when we get there?"
The display flashes. "Zero Query: orbit NEO Earth."
Zero tells the computer to ready a launch pod and heads to the pod bay.
Around two Astronomical Minutes later
"Pod landed. Scanning atmosphere..."
Zero surveys the landscape, and sees a ruined metropolis in the distance.
"Atmosphere scanned. Ready to initiate airlock?" Zero confirms this action. "Opening airlock."
The airlock door slides open. Zero steps out and teleports towards the metropolis.
To Be Continued
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi dittoslash. Nice to meet you! I”m here to review your chapter for review day.
- I like the start of the story already. It doesn’t feel like I’ve read it before if you know what I mean. I’m interested already.
- You’ve used the word wrenched too many times for me in your first paragraph. Repeating the word ordinary worked really well because of the point you were trying to get across but the word ‘wrenched’ just reads like you couldn’t think of another word to use each time.
- Surely he could only be a man of old age if he is using a stairlift?
- I like the description of the knocking. It made me smile. I like your style of writing. It’s pretty unique!
- I also like how you’ve given John Stanley an accent. It immediately makes me connect to him more and also makes him much more fun to read.
- I would have liked a little more description on how Zero made John feel. Was he intimated? Angry? Curious? Did Zero make the air go cold around him? etc etc etc.
- I like your technical jargon over the display. It makes your narration a lot more believable and kinda shows that you know what you’re talking about! I like that.
- Overall, I think this has potential! I like your characters and the way they interact. I like your technical stuff. I feel that you should add a bit more detail here and there and check up on the way your writing sounds in some places. (e.g - the use of the word wrenched.)
Good luck! Feel free to ask me any questions, anytime. And welcome to YWS!!
Olive <3
Hey dittoslash,
Firstly I would like to mention that the repetitive use of the word *wrenched* and *ordinary* makes the start of your story really un-attractive. The first paragraph to any story is of utmost importance so you should be careful with that. This might have worked if it was a humorous story but since I conjecture this is a mystery supernatural, that effect doesn't seem to work. But hey , that's just my personal opinion and it's absolutely fine if you wanted to do something with it or not
Now for the story. I really really like the concept you seem to bring about and it's awesome food for thought. I hope the following chapters would grow even more in terms of such excellence.
Good luck
Ishita Dutt
Hello there.
Beginning with strong points, your decadent description of John Stanley really captures the unsettling undertone of the piece. However, you may want to find alternate words for "wrenched." I get that you're going for repetitive effect, but I can't imagine John wrenching himself to the kitchen or to the couch. Wrenching implies that someone is twisting, usually to break free of something. It fits well with the bed and chair; less so elsewhere. The word may also describe jerky movement, but the trick to repetition is to do it without it feeling deliberate. Here, it almost sounds like John was a marionette manipulated by an aggressive five-year-old. He might have hobbled or shuffled, but he probably wouldn't have "wrenched himself."
Oh, and you shouldn't say that old age was taking its toll on him. Using the terms "middle age" and "old age" to describe the same character, in the same sentence, can easily confuse people. Try a more creative way to say it, like "the years had slowly sapped his vigor." You should also find another word for "flashes" when describing the monitor.
Also, you're lacking the second part's setting. Was it dark? What kind of computers were there? Futuristic novels usually deserve a rich setting. What about his ship? His pod bay? What was it like to teleport? Things that you don't normally see should get a better description to incite the reader's imagination.
You might want to slip in some adjectives too, while you're at it.
Overall, while this piece is rich in its mysterious and cold tone, it needs more description in the second half and better phrasing. Your spelling mistakes are:
"Preceded" should be proceeded.
"Dosen't" should be doesn't.
No grammar mistakes, so good on you for it.
That's all. Good luck writing this novel. Cheers.
-Chaser
This sent chills down my spine, I like it, very haunting and at the same time fast-paced, this is very good well done!