Long long ago, there was a land that was in peace and serenity until, the power of the local government had been disrupted because the people had been scared by the volcanic eruption. The eruption was triggered because the Gods had been anger at the people at least that's what they thought. Now we are going to look at a young man who's curiosity had him find out what the real reason behind the volcanic eruption was. This boys name was Chaz and he had a normal life in the big city. He had a job at his fathers archery shop. He had a girlfriend named Brittney and she was the most beautiful girl in the city. One day he was in the forest on the mountain hunting for a griffin when the mountain had started shaking and it was actually a volcano and (as said before) it was erupting. As he was thinking about this, the lavas was running down the mountain side towards the lake which was fortunate because of the whole water in the lake thing. When this was happening Chaz had seen the lava and had wondered what it was so he had headed over to see as to what it might be. As he was getting closer he could feel the heat of the lava. Then when he was right in front of the lava he had decided to grab a stick and stick it in the lava because he wondered what would happen. He had stuck it in the lava and naturally it burned. Then he was in awe as it burn. He had heard of lava but never seen it and then he had heard something back in the forest he had said,"hello?" and naturally nothing but then another sound in the bushes not to far away and he drew his bow and slowly walked over and then ran at the bushes nothing and then this had ended and then he had decided to go to the top of the volcano. After that small venture up the hill he looked in the volcano, then he saw a small sparkle it was a gold pendent. He had climbed down very slowly and carefully (because he had remembered what had happened with the stick). He had grabbed the pendent and headed back up and then back home. The next day he had gone to work as always after work he went to Brittneys house and told her about the day before. She was in awe and wanted to see her self so he had ran home and grabbed the pendent. She was now in awe. He then said," This is so beautiful just like the girl that has it around her neck" and then he puts it on her neck. Then they kissed. Afterward he left and then went home and had dinner with his family telling of yesterdays experience and they were also in awe. The day afterwards he went out again and heard the same sound from the top of the volcano instead of from the bushes and went towards the sound once more and saw a shadowy figure by the edge and said," Hey who's there?", then the shadowy figure took off and ran down the hill into the forest. Then of course Chaz took off after the person and then he went down a little bit and lost them.
Thats all for now guys i will post the middle and end or just end depending on what i feel like writing later haha
-Chad Dillan
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Hallo!
So, this is a very interesting story. I like the sense of adventure and excitement that it evokes. A few suggestions for improvement:
First of all, I would suggest formatting this into paragraphs. That makes it much easier to read and understand. And with dialogue, you have to have a new paragraph when there is a new speaker. Although YWS does sometimes mess up the formatting, so it's possible you had paragraphs before and copied it and pasted it in, and then they went away. Usually the best way to fix that is to first copy it into something like Wordpad (I'm not sure what kind of computer you have, but that's in all Windows) and then from there into YWS. That usually helps with this sort of thing.
One thing I think should be changed is the beginning. What you have here is an info-dump, where you just tell the readers a bunch of information. This often bores readers to hear a bunch of backstory at the beginning of a novel; they want things happening, interesting things, as opposed to just hearing what the world is like. Instead of putting all of this in one place, you should dole out the information in smaller amounts throughout the story, which could then create tension because the readers want to know what the rest of the mythology is. That way you can use it as a device to get the readers to keep reading.
Another thing I might suggest is slowing down the story. Right now it's just one thing happening after another, without leaving any time for the readers to really appreciate what's going on. Slow down the story, try describing what's going on around the character. When you do this the reader can get an image of the scene in mind, which helps them put themselves in the place of the character, and imagine that they are going through the same things. This also allows them to have more of an emotional connection to the story, so they will care more about the character and what happens to them.
All in all, I think you have a good idea here and a good start, but it needs a bit more development and more description.
Good luck with the rest!
_Wherethewindgoes
I encourage you to continue this. There some grammatical errors, but those can be easily fixed. They are mainly with the quotations. Also, I think you should re-read through this and just make sure the sentences are flowing together right. I think you have done an excellent job here, and I look forward to reading the next part. I also think that you could expand on this to make a series of short stories. That is totally up to you, but I think it could be really good! Anyways, good luck to you and your writing, and keep up the good work.
Hi devchave, welcome to YWS, and congratulations on your first post. I'm Alliyah, here to review your piece.
I agree 10,000% with the other reviewer that if at all possible, break this big blob into paragraphs to make it into a story. Much easier to conquer the reviewing process that way. Also *KNITPICK ALERT* (sorry) please capitalize your title, and put an apostraphe before the 's' in the word "citys" in your title.
I thought the story part was pretty good, I especially enjoyed the character's names. Good choices! I think you have a good start , but rather than add to much action all at once maybe focus on addding some details especially in character descriptions to make the story come alive.
Also take a secound little look through just to flesh out spelling/grammar errors, and make sure it all makes sense. Example: "She was in awe and wanted to see her self so he had ran home and grabbed the pendent. She was now in awe. "
And I think 'pendent' is spelled 'pendant' and you use that word a lot. I hope this helped!
Never stop writing, and I can't wait to read more of your work!
~alliyah~
Hey I just noticed that you signed this "Chad" and the main character goes by "Chaz", just wondering if this story has elements of being autobiographical, or possibly a metaphor for your own life? Just curious!
no but i was thinking of changing my real name so i could possibly go by that and thanks for the feedback
This is really good!
-First, I think you could put it into paragraphs so that it doesn't look like a blob of writing. Then more people would read ur writing, and comment more!
-Next, you could add more detail? Like "then they kissed." It's too.... simple? When I read it, there's no emotion left of me. I don't feel anything. You could add more feelings for that, if not, detail
-You should make it more vivid. Make it alive so the reader can feel it.
For example:
The waves crashed on the beach
could be improved...
The waved drove sea foam onto sand dimpled with shells.
Here the reader can actually imagine it. Some of ur sentences are a bit too empty.
Anyways, I love what you wrote!
Well with that one sentence there wasn't supposed to be any emotion, it was supposed to be meaningless. Like, have you ever seen a couple just kiss, because they can, like no logical reason behind it other than they are a couple and thats what they do, thats what I was trying to do here.