The trees' tribal chant spans the valley;
the leaves being brushed against the surface
of twenty six year old gravel.
Feet of two kids slap the slightly frosted grass,
but the sound of stomps are canceled out
by the joyous laughter and cries coming from above.
Cries that were happy turned into distressed
as the white grass was stained with red
and something that was resembling a body with one leg.
Lifeless, the hot breaths over the crude image
carry it to a warm place, reminiscent of summer.
A time where light was wanted.
Chuckles echo for miles as they lay next to it,
right leg tucked behind their thighs,
with the reminder that winter doesn't die.
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139,784 Literary Works • 672,764 Reviews
hey there, this is kman134 and this is a review.
so far, this is a pretty neat poem; i love the use of the theme of love and sex and how it brings out the emotions within it. the sentences were well-written and the grammar use is well organized.
"Feet of two kids slap the slightly frosted grass,
but the sound of stomps are canceled out
by the joyous laughter and cries coming from above."
i love how this part of the poem emphasizes the use of emotions and i love how detailed the environment is. anyway, hope you keep up the work.
Sex?
pretty good; hope you keep it up.
Summer, 'A time where light was wanted.'
Using the word 'where' rather than 'when' is a curious choice. Taken as a deliberate one, it conflates space and temporality, much like the rest of your poem's imagery.
Summer, a season, a past, but one with movement, running, objects—a memory, a mental place for the narrator; what's the difference?
A place filled with light, wanted. Perhaps I would have preferred this syntax: 'a time where in was wanted light.' Gives emphasis to wanted as a qualifier. It is that word wanted that changes everything in this line. Not just a place where light was pouring out of every seem and burning the corners of these memories, but a time-place in which that overflow of light is thirsted for, in contrast to time-place of dead leaves brushing against pavement (we do not want the light now).
You should start the poem with this line. It hold such tenderness and potentiality.
I'm moved to riff of your lyrics if you don't mind:
'lovers' improvisation
~
pavement brushes dead leaves
on trees that held them close in summer,
a time where in was wanted light.
we do not want the light.
I disagree with the syntactical improvements for the sake of flow and accessibility--and the assessment for more accurate syntax surprised me since your flow has always been so slick, mang.
Totally agree with the new opening line, though.
Well well well