Published January 30, 2009
Two hooded figures were walking down a deserted street. One of them had an open flame sitting on his gloved hand. The other was holding a dark bundle. They saw a faint orange light in the distance and a gruff command was uttered. The fire that was held flared and then faded away with a silent hiss. The owner of the voice was a man in his mid-twenties. He had pulled off his hood to reveal thick black hair with golden streaks. He nodded to his companion who also swept off their hood. A tall lithe woman now stood there, her soft brown hair illuminated by the light. It was plaited with a series of leather strips weaved in and cradling her head.
She looked over to the man with a look of concern on her face. The burden she was carrying had stirred and sighed. The man shook his head and continued walking. They came across another man, sitting by the fire and staring deep into it. He had brown hair with black flashes that shined when he tilted his head towards the two.
"Well Aidan, Arianna, I see you are holding to your promise. Even though it's been so long."
The man named Aidan stepped forward. "Merely Alex, we tend to keep our promises, no matter how long it will take. I intend to have my son taught in the ways of the Flame as Arianna and I."
Alex lifted his eyebrows in surprise. "So, you had a boy after all. Well, you know my rules. No contact between the trainee and the parents until I approve that he is ready to be presented to the Order."
Arianna gasped but nodded. She stepped forward and stood in front of Alex. She pulled back a blanket and revealed a sleeping baby boy. He had a thin mop of sweet brown hair. Arianna teased out one of his hands and held it palm up. Aidan came forward and put his hand on his son's small head while Arianna kissed his hand. A small flame flickered between his tiny fingers. Aidan removed his hand and watched. Alex grunted softly and Arianna handed her only child over to him. He looked at the child's hand that now lay in his large, rough hand. The flame shimmered and showed the face of an anxious boy, but before he could pry deeper into the image, it went out. He frowned slightly and said his farewell to Aidan and Arianna. Aidan bowed and placed his arm over Arianna. She was shaking slightly and leaned into Aidan's shoulder. Alex smiled and walked back to his large fire. He whispered a word and the fire and Alex vanished into the shadows and they knew they wouldn't see him again for nearly twelve years. Aidan pulled his hood on with his free arm and pulled on Arianna's. She looked up and smiled at him. He smiled back and pulled his arm away. He snapped his fingers and another flame sprung to life. They walked side by side and faded into the dancing shadows. The wait had begun. And the future of a infant boy would be changed forever.
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141,432 Literary Works • 674,412 Reviews
Wow.
Amazing. I really liked it.
I'm not that good of a critic, but I just wanted to let you know my opinion.
And it was awesome. Of course.
Post some more soon! Please.
Hey there,
As the reviewer above me says: everything's been nitpicked through!
Just wanted to let you know that it was an interesting read, and that I quite enjoyed it.
Are you planning to post more of this story, soon?
When you do, PM me and I'll review ^_^ seeing as this one's been thoroughly looked at already.
XxxDo
Heya Lucy! This was a prett interesting read. The others have already pointed everything out so I'm just going to give you mostly praise. Doesn't that sound...relieving? Fire Dancer...that sounds cool. Okay, I love fire and anyone who commands it or plays with is just cool.
Yet, I agree with Bokkaku. Wouldn't the parents, or at least the mother be crying after giving their child up? I'm sure they're quite happy that their kid is getting training but they won't see him grow up. Perhaps if you make the mother crying and smiling. Mothers are always more emtional.
Well happy writing and PM if you post more.
I have to agree with the others; it is slightly HP-ish, but there was definitely your own twist in there. I'm liking it so far, but maybe a couple of tweaks?
It's fairly short, even for a prologue(a word you spelled wrong in the title, by the way).
Maybe add in a bit more emotion from Adrianna? I mean, she's a mother giving up her child. That's not something many women would do without rage or anguish. And how about Aiden? How does he feel about giving up his son? Again, most parents wouldn't take this so lightly. Aiden seems to care, considering how he handles Adrianna.
I just had to say.. it sounds like he has really cool hair. ^^
I was reading this aloud, and I stumbled over this sentence multiple times when I tried reading it. It just sound awkward; try reading it out loud. Maybe it's just me?
That's broken up. And fragmented. See? Try a comma, or connecting those two together.
At least a comma after "merely". It took me a few moments to get what you were trying to say.
Like I said before; more emotion. Yes, she gasped, but how else did she react? Why did she gasp? Alex had said that his rules were known, so she must have known that it would happen. Besides, it sounds a little weird to have her gasp and nod sequentially. Maybe a little recovering between gasping and nodding?
Whose hand? Besides, using "hand" twice in one sentence is a little repetitive. Try a thesaurus.
Again, repetition.
Too many and's! Cut it into multiple sentences. Check the first part of that, too. "He whispered a word and the fire and Alex vanished" should be slightly reworded. At least reverse the "he" and "Alex". Don't be worried about using "the man holding the child" or something like that; you don't have anything like that through the entire thing, so it wouldn't hurt. It might even clear things up a bit.
Maybe it's just me, but that sounds a little strange. You could do better there.
Just a comment here... holy crap, they just gave away their only child and they're smiling?! I would be balling if I lost my kid!
The wait had begun. And the future of a infant boy would be changed forever. Again. With the ands.
All in all, I like this. It sets up for a really good story and I can tell. Please do write more! Oh, and please... I try not to be harsh; I just want to help you become a better writer. Isn't it what we all want?
This was a good start.It was a little Harry Potter-ish but I can't wait to see what you do with it. One thing I saw was that Arianna gasped when Alex told them they wouldn't be allowed to see the baby. Why did she gasp if they knew his rules. I would have liked to know what Arianna was thinking at the time. Was she scared of her son's fate? Did she not like Alex? Other than that there really wasn't anything that other people hadn't caught. And what I said was just my opinion. Good luck writing more.
~peanut~
I liked this story. It had a lot of good descriptions in it which made it easy for me to picture what was going on. What was the baby's name though? There was just a few things I saw that could be corrected. First off:
She over to the man with a look of concern on her face
I think you mean to say she went over to the man.
He looked at the child's hand that now lay in his large, rough hand
Is the baby in Alex's hand or Aidan's hand? This part was just a little confusing.
He whispered a word and the fire and Alex vanished into the shadows
I think this should be and then the fire and Alex vanished into the shadows. There was just too many ands in that sentence. But I did enjoy the story and I can't wait to read what happens next! I liked the plot idea, keep writing!
Hey Lucy I'm Becki, nice to meet you
If you need any help feel free to PM me anytime, I don't mind.
I liked the idea behind this prologue. That a boy is taken away from his parents at an early age and trained to be something. I'm guessing the coming chapters will feature this boy when he is older and trained up or almost trained up.
However the way you write is at some points confusing, a tad tedious and you kind of contradict yourself in place. I don't mean to be harsh! lol
Like at the beginning it was a bit contradictory:-
It was pitch black dark. One of them had an open flame sitting on his gloved hand. The other was holding a dark bundle. They came up on a flickering lamp post and a gruff command was uttered.
To start off with the phrase 'pitch black dark' doesn't really make sense. 'pitch black' would probably be better. Then you introduce the idea of the flame and the lamp post and so to my mind it wouldn't be pitch black. This kid of made it difficult for me to imagine the surroundings.
You could try something like - Two hooded figures appeared in a deserted street, there was no light to speak of and it was difficult to make out any discerning shapes. A flame suddenly crackled into life in the palm of one of the hooded figures. - Or something like that.
Also I found the constant description after description of the characters a bit tedious. Perhaps you could find different ways of describing them or even not describe them but that might be difficult in a prologue. Establishing character in a short space is tricky. I think Alex should be kept somewhat mysterious though.
It also had a kind of Harry Potterish to me because of the lamp post and deserted street, the hooded figures and small baby.
I'm not trying to be harsh I'm just trying to help
Keep going though I really like the plot idea and I think it could develop into quite a good story. Pm me if you do an edit or when the next chapter is up.