"Signing off, Reme, Dylan, Rhonda, and of course Vernon. See you next time!"
You had just watched the latest video of Reme and her gang. This would be, let's see... Their ninth one! So far some of the videos had been happy times. The sixth one was Vernon's birthday, he was turning nine. For that they'd found some cake and passed it around with twinkies. You had to laugh at that because they'd just starting making twinkies. You go to sleep happy, because tomorrow was your day off and Reme was doing well.
The Next Day...
Ah, ice cream. It really is great for a day like this. Ninety degrees and the sun was out. You were walking down from Dairy Queen when you hear the noise again. You really can't place it, but it sounds almost like a cross between nails on a chalk board and a train whistle. You finish your ice cream cone and walk ahead slowly.
But instead of a video tape for the camcorder, you find Reme and Vernon. You rush up to the them and see the problem: Vernon was coughing and he can't seem to breathe. Reme has tears in her eyes.
"Please, help him, I don't know what happened."
You panic slightly and you try checking his pulse. It wasn't steady. A man in a SUV pulls up.
"Hey, everything al- whoa."
Before you can try anything, the man whips out his cellphone and calls an ambulance. You try to keep Vernon awake.
"Hey, hey. Buddy, you need to stay awake and see all things that you get to see."
When the ambulance arrives Vernon is put on a stretcher while a police man try's to question Reme.
"Honey, who are your parents? You have any relatives?"
But all that he gets out of her is Vernon's age and name. She try's to get on with Vernon. But the medicals say immediate family only. Then you hear something you thought you'd never hear Reme say.
"He's my brother! Now let me on!"
You can't let Reme and Vernon go the hospital by themselves!
"I know who there guardian is."
Reme won't let go of Vernon's hand during the ride to the hospital, which is down town. When you get there he's rushed to the ICU.
Reme points out all the 'archaic' equipment. Penicillin wasn't the only way to treat infections.
He's checked by nurses and doctor and they come up with the conclusion that he has hypothermia and ammonia. He needs a lung pump and heated blankets right away. You and Reme are sent out side of the room while they check him afterwards. Eventually you and Reme are allowed to see him. You fall alseep in a chair nest to him, while Reme is watching Sponge Bob, saying that she loves this cartoon.
A few hours later...
Somebodys shaking your shoulder.
"Hey! He's awake!"
It's Reme and you snap up, wide awake to see Vernons eyes halfway open. He looks better than before at least. You notice that his breathing is normal a little bit.
"Hey, there buddy. Glad to see that you're awake."
You say to him in a quiet voice. You don't want to startle him. There's a knock on the door and it opens to a police officer. He's here to ask you and Reme a few questions. How long was he sick? Did you know he was sick? Has he and Reme had any vaccinations? He leaves with empty answers.
"Where am I?"
You hear a faint voice and turn to see Vernon, trying to sit up. He looks around.
"Am-am I in the past?"
Reme explains what happened and when she's done a nurse comes in. She says hi and makes sure that Vernon's IV is in place. The nurse says not to move his right arm and leaves.
Vernon shakes his head at the room he's in. He says that zombies would be all over the place and asks if this would be a ho-spit-al. Reme, who looks over joyed to see that Vernon is awake and talking. You try to answer all of his questions.
Over the next few days when you can visit him you try not to tell anybody about Reme and Vernon. You'd discussed with Reme what she was going to do. She said that as soon as Vernon was alright they'd be leaving back to where they came from.
You have to agree with her, not seeing any other way that would land Reme and Vernon in foster care. You just have to wait and see if he does get better.
A few months later...
"See you later Reme. Vernon, don't go swimming at night in an old pool!"
You say good bye to Reme and Vernon at one in the morning, the only way they can go undetected. They had taken some medicine and food, along with some coats. It was almost Christmas time, and it was cold and dark. She leaves with that sound. Nails on a chalk board and a train whistle.
Vernon had had relapses of ammonia, that was why he and Reme had to stay for so long. You just hope that they will be alright.
Months later...
You hear that sound again. You grab the tape and run home to your room. You quickly set up the camcorder and start to watch. You see Remes face, but instead of her usual hello, she gets to the point.
"We know what caused this. And we know who."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hi reader!
Happy review day!
manisha here to review for Green Lantern!
I've been following this story for some time now. I know you have good plot going here. However I have a few minor nitpicks I'll point out to you.
I'll review as I read.
You had to laugh at that because they'd just starting making twinkies.
It is- You had to laugh at that because they'd just started to make twinkies.
Vernon is put on a stretcher while a police man try's to question Reme
try's is tries.
You and Reme are sent out side of the room while they check him afterwards
outside is one word.
There are a few typos so give this a read and you will be able to pick them out.
I agree with Cailey that it gets jumpy in places. Sort the ideas out and edit out the unnecessary ones.
You do not explain why Vernon has hypothermia and why they come back to the past when he does.
I found this chapter a bit choppy. But nothing major. As I said before sort the ideas out.
Overall, it was a good read!
I look forward to the next chapter!
-manisha
Did you pay attention to the end? That might explain why he got sick.
Hey there,
So I liked this chapter more, especially as Reme and Vermon become real people who aren't just on people on a camcorder.
Hmm, the main characters reaction to Reme and Vermon showing up is a bit unrealistic. If the end of the world is approaching, don't you want to ask a lot of questions. Why are you here? What do you mean by the end of the world? Zombies? At least I would be like that. Who stays with them a whole month and doesn't ask any questions?
The end of the chapter was good, because it holds the suspense. It's a cliffhanger and it makes me want to read on, so good there. I'm eager to find out who did this, and why did they do it?
I agree with Cailey when she says slow down a bit. Describe everything best you can because details are what matter, and make the story a lot more interesting. Instead of saying a month later in the middle of this part, how about you end the chapter there? Then in the next chapter you say it took a month for Vermon to recover. A month full of... etc, whatever the month contained. It would also make it seem like your jumping time periods a lot less. Big skips like that can be disruptive.
Basically, this chapter was good and better than the others. My only advice is to slow down, pace it, and add in more descriptions. Try and keep it realistic. What would you do if people from the future were suddenly in front of you?
Deanie x
Hey! Cailey here for a review night review! yay Green Lanterns!
(I keep on saying "this is the last review" and then I go and review something else. It's terrible. I'm worried that I'm obsessed.)
(Also, I am positive I read this. I guess I did once and then just didn't have time to review it or something.)
(And, I need to apologize because I have not read the beginning parts, only this one because it doesn't have any reviews. It was a bit confusing because of that, but I'll do my best to give a decent review anyway.)
This sounds like a really interesting story, and I wish I didn't need to sleep so I could go and read the rest and review each part. Unfortunately, I don't have that much time, and I really just want to make sure you get at least one review on this, since it's been sitting here unreviewed and that's such a shame.
I like the way you wrote this in second person, and how you made your main character be "you" so that the reader is dragged into the story from the very moment he starts reading.
However, you switched around a bunch. I mean, you're eating ice cream, and then he's sick, and then he's better, and then no one knows what happened, and then they're leaving, and then you're watching tv? It was really jumpy and chaotic, and I don't know if you meant to do that, but it was really distracting to read, and made it extremely hard to stay focused.
One hint that could help with this is to sit down and write out bulletpoints of the plot line. Then go back to the story and make sure all of the events match up properly. That would make it a bit easier to understand. Adding longer paragraphs and more detail would help as well.
Anyway, nice job, I hope sometime I can get a chance to read the rest. Let me know if you need anything, and keep on writing!
Is was awesome Had me in hooked
Thanks. Like your avatar!
thanks he's watching
Uh... Is this a Goku version of Herobrine or something? Because if you stare at it for to long in the silence, it starts to creep you out.