You are again walking home from school/work when you hear the same noise again. Wanting to catch the culprits of this elaborate prank, which is what you have decided what was on the camcorder, you run ahead. Again, they're not there but there is a tape for the camcorder. Curious you pick it and go home to your room. You see the girl, Reme, setting it up. She regards you intently.
"Hello, if you have decided to watch this, it means that there really is hope for the world after all."
You shake your head. You hear noises in the background.
"Reme! There aren't any zombies-"
"Vernon! It's your job to keep a look out. Remember what happened last time? We nearly lost all of our food!" You hear Reme berate the boy.
"Great. I suppose you're wondering if what he was talking about true."
She takes a deep breath before continuing.
"Well, it is. Nobody's sure what caused it. Lots of people suspected that it was the government."
You see Rhonda and Dylan in the background setting something up.
"It wasn't. They didn't know either. That's where I come in."
You start to notice that they're in a pharmacy, or the remains of one any way. You wonder if what they're saying is actually true.
"Since I can Time Hop, I can try to figure out what caused the spread of the undead."
You're still trying to figure out the 'zombie'. Were these kids serious? Or insane?
"Most of your movies say bites and scratches, and the games usually say head stuff. But didn't The Last Of Us say it was spores? We don't know."
You see Reme put her head down and shake her head. She looks like she's about to cry.
"We don't know. That's why we need your help. See if any thing in the news about brutal murder of a family or mysterious deaths. "
Rhonda calls up Reme.
"We have it set up. Are you sure you're ready?"
Dylan comes up and waves.
"So, I should probably explain what's happening to the world. We know it's ending, that's for damn sure."
You shake your head. Cussing. You should've expected that.
"What you would call zones or whatever, we call them clonies. Don't ask why. Zombies aren't walkers, biters or any of that crap. They're just zombies."
You hear a commotion in the background. Dylan sighs impatiently.
"I told them that I was a bad idea from the start. But noooo, they just had to show what they look like. You have to admit, it doesn't look like any of that shit that you guys think it would."
You find that really offensive for some reason.
"Dylan! What are doing?! You're supposed to be on watch with Vernon!"
You see Dylan get up and frown at Reme.
"I was just telling them what the hell would happen to civilization."
Reme points to somewhere and apparently sends Dylan to Vernon
When she moves, what you see almost makes you scream: A human with rotten flesh is chained to a pole. These kids are insane.
"What, that a human? No that's not a human. What it is, is a zombie. Surprising huh?"
Suddenly the person lunges for you. You scream this time and move away.
"As you can see, it is not an old one. In fact, this one is new."
She then goes on about their behavior and what to expect when somebody is bitten. Then Rhonda appears with a fire axe in her hands.
"Here is how you kill it. You aim for the brain, which is one obvious way to kill one. You can aim for the heart, but it takes a few tries. Legs? Nuh-uh. You just piss it off that way."
Does she really think that this is helping?
Vernon appears with a worried look on his face.
"Uh- Reme? There's more of them coming."
Reme looks at the camcorder with regret.
"Sorry gotta go. Until next time!"
The screen goes dark and you decide to take this to the police first thing tomorrow. These kids need to be taught a lesson.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi WholesomeReader,
And write proper reviews from now on!
This is just a quick short review. The awkward thing I find about this story, is the persona it is set in. Second persona is a bit weird to write stories on because you use 'you'. And when you use 'you' you cannot tell the reader what they're thinking or feeling to much. It seems a little strange to choose this persona. And yet it's something different, and a challenge, so that's where I admire you for choosing it. But if you want a more descriptive story, I think it's best to choose first or third person.
But! There are still many times when you can put description in there but you just dodge over the opportunity. For example you put "When she moves, what you see almost makes you scream: A human with rotten flesh is chained to a pole. These kids are insane." Here is the perfect opportunity to go into more depth and really explain what he zombie looks like. From what's here I would never be afraid of that creature. But if you told me how the skin on his shoulder was rotting and sprouting fungi, and his eye was hanging out of it's socket, staring at the screen intently although it was almost disconnected. Gory details, yes, but good ones! It's what helps interest the reader.
So, now I shall go and read more on this story
Deanie x
This is oddly structured.
It should go like this-
Great. I suppose you're wondering if what he was talking about was true
anyway is one word.
I do not think it is grammatically wrong but it sounds awkward. Maybe you could restructure it?
See if any thing in the news is about brutal murder of a family or mysterious death.
Why would I be expecting this? Do I abruptly change my view about the video and believe them? Try adding more matter. Maybe the death toll has suddenly spiked, all recording them as strange deaths and the MC(here, it is the reader) knew about this strange phenomenons that the talk about zombies wasn't so weird after all.
I do not see anything there to be offended about.
you mean - What are you doing?
Lungs from where? From the camcorder?
It is Rhonda who has the axe right? It sounds like Reme is done with the fire axe.
Rewrite the sentence as-
When Reme is done Rhonda appears with a fire axe.
Overall, the plot, the story is good. But the jaded language is dampening the effect of the story. I suggest you add more description. Like where Rhonda and Reme are. How does the surrounding look. Try incorporating the five senses. Touch, Smell, all that.
Give it a read and try editing some of the parts. The story will turn out great. I look forward to read the next chapter.
Keep writing!
-
manisha
Hi there! Sea here to review.
It's a little late, but it doesn't hurt. 
,I'd like to start by offering you a big ol' Welcome to YWS!
I did read part one, but since you already had some good reviews on that one, I think I can help more here.
You have an interesting premise with this story. You have a good balance of mystery and fact, and you've given yourself a lot of room to progress the story with several different options. Yay! I have a few critiques and suggestions for this piece.
Rating
Because we have a lot of younger members on the site, we ask that you rate your work to warn readers. Here is the official YWS guide for how to rate your work.
Second Person
Personally, I've never liked second person. You can't possible create a persona that matches every single one of your readers. You inevitably put your reader in a position and give them thoughts that they would never experience. For example, when you say
your reader might think "Uh - no. I cuss like a sailor." That makes the story seem unnatural and breaks the magic of the story. You thus limit yourself in terms of developing your main character. Which brings me to
Character Development
When you have so many characters, it's difficult for us to keep track of all of them, especially when you throw us in with the action. Granted, a lot of exposition can be boring, and I like being introduced to the action right away, but I haven't had a chance to grasp any of the characters (except Reme because she seems to be the leader.) Add in a few descriptions, and narration of their actions. I might suggest doing some character development exercises so you as an author have a firm concept of who your characters are. Write some diary entries from their point of view. Write some letters back and forth between characters. Write a description of a character from another character's point of view. Just experiment with them and let them grow. It'll be fun!
Editing
There were some missing words here and there as well as some typos. I think you can catch most of them if you just read it through again. I don't like doing line-by-line reviews, because as you revise and edit, you most likely won't keep a lot of the same grammatical structures anyway.
Descriptions
I already mentioned this with the characters, but I'm also left a bit wanting for more description of the action taking place. In order to really place me in this persona, I need to be able to hear, see, smell, and feel everything the narrator would. It really makes the story come alive.
For the most part, your dialogue seems pretty natural, which is very difficult to pull off.
That's all I have for now. If you have any questions or comments about this review, please feel free to shoot me a PM. I'd be happy to talk about it with you.
Good luck, and happy writing!
-Sea-