You're walking home from school/work and you hear a noise up ahead. Curious, you run up ahead and find that there's nothing but a camcorder. Even more curious than before, you pick it up and continue walking home. When you get there, you go to your room and set up the camcorder so that you can see it properly with out holding it. You turn it on, and see a girl setting it up
"If your watching this, then it means the world has hope."
Puzzled by these words, you continue on watching.
" I know that this is gonna sound crazy, but you need to know this. THE WORLD needs to know this."
"Tell them about what's going to happen! And how!"
You hear another voice, a boys', and consider taking this to the police.
"NO! I mean, don't take this to the police. They won't believe you. Trust me."
She looks up again at you and stare strait at your eyes.
" The world is going to be a terrible place. I'm from the future, and I can do a thing called Time Hopping. T.H. for short."
The boy acts up again.
"Yeah! It's really neat! Like being on a roller coaster!"
The girl turns to the unseen boy.
"Vernon! Be quiet!"
She shakes her head.
"Introductions are in order now. You met Vernon already. I'm Reme, I have other friends with me."
The boy steps into view. He looks younger than expected. Another girl and boy wave at the camcorder.
" This is Rhonda and Dylan. They're fraternal twins."
You already noticed that.
" I'm from the future, like I said before. I don't know if your one of my ancestors or what, but I pray that you are."
You notice that she does look like you, except she has different colored eyes. But the family resemblance is there alright.
"I'm here to prevent something. I am the last one that can T.H. This is the worlds last chance. And you, need to prevent the end as we know it."
You suddenly hear a noise from the camcorder.
"What was that?!"
"We don't know!"
The girl gives out a string of cuss words before turning to you again.
"I have to go. I'll see you in a few hours."
You almost cry out to Reme not to go, but you are helpless.
The camcorder turns dark and you feel an ominous feeling in your stomach
Something bad is going to happen you just know it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Hey wholesomereader!
So right off the bat, you begin the story using the word 'You're'. That caught my interest immediately. A second person point of view? That's super cool! Not many people go with that perspective. I wonder if it's continued on throughout the chapters? I'll have to read them to find out I guess.
Anyway, it took some getting used to, because I've never really read a story in second person. I noticed that every word that wasn't part of the dialogue was in italics. I think the italics is a good idea, but not for every word. Maybe only for when it says the parts like this:
The narrative parts. (Is that the right word? I hope you get what I mean) I think that would help distinguish what 'I' am doing and what the other characters are doing.
As for the title, it's not that creative. It does tell you pretty much what the story is going to be about - a hero(s) that are chosen to save the world. Something around those lines. So if you want to attract readers who like this type of story, that's a good way. However, if you have a very unique and creative title, it may attract many people. It really depends on what you want to go for.
~ 'Curious' was used twice here. I feel like it's a bit much. Try using a different word in the second sentence.
And that concludes my review! I'm interested in your story and excited to see where it goes. I'm off to read the other chapters. See you there!
Yours till the Chocolate Chips,
Snow
Uh, chocolate chips? 8D That's cool man.
I don't know why, but these reviews make me laugh for some reason.
Hi there!
I'll start with the "negative" just to get it out of the way. This piece is a bit choppy. It's like one line of description (relatively speaking. I know it's not really description, but it's not dialogue either) then a piece from the video, and then back to the description. I can liken it to a tennis match where people are moving their heads back and forth as the ball travels from one side of the court to the other. I personally think there's a bit too much direction (that's what it is, not description!) in this story. I understand that this is written in second person POV, a POV that I think has died off, but there doesn't need to be so much direction. You can easily get the same point across with less. It's a bit overwhelming. Also, the parts that are in italics should probably not be. It'll look better like that because the parts you have in italics right now are the directions. It looks like the dialogue from the video is the main story instead of the directions. If you switch it around it'll make more sense.
As for the story, and the positive, I think it has great potential. The idea of the end of the world coming about and these kids being able to time travel is very interesting. It's definitely got promise. I really can't wait to see where you go with this, especially because it's in second person. I haven't actually read a novel in second person POV before. There have been a few short stories my English professors have assigned over the years, but never a novel. I wish you luck! ^_^
I don't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in this so good job with that. I do hope you develop your characters a bit more in the next chapters. Obviously you won't be able to develop the narrator because the narrator is...well...me and everyone else who reads this. But this gives you great opportunity to really dive into the other characters' personalities and really show who they are.
Oh yeah, one more thing. This part bothers me:
Why would someone--me-- automatically think of taking the camcorder to the police? I mean, they--I--picked it up off the street in the first place. Wouldn't I give it a little more time to understand what exactly is going on before taking it to the police? If it were me, I'd take it to the police after the girl said she could time travel. That seems like a good place to reevaluate the situation if you ask me. But that's just my opinion. And it's kind of creepy how that girl knew that I was thinking about taking it to the police. How'd she know? 0.o
Please let me know when you put up the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey there!
First off. Where are they? Who is your first character, other than a naive little boy? You're lacking details here. Backstory, setting, everything. You should stop for a moment and figure out a way to give us crucial information on what I just mentioned before throwing us right in the thick of the action. I know you have a cool story to tell, but remember, the readers aren't in your head, you know what I mean? You need to make things clear to us, and now, they aren't very clear.
Your main character, also. He strikes me as very naive and foolish. I mean, you see a camcorder in the street... and you pick it up. Why? Why? Do you not know what street smarts are? I think picking up camcorders is one of the golden things you must NOT do on a street... second to following the stranger who offers you candy. Or an iPhone.
Further, clearly there was nobody in his house, as somebody probably would question a camcorder being brought in.
Your character however, not only brings in a camcorder into his room, but also apparently believes everything that is fed to him. I don't think an actual human being would do everything your main character has done, but maybe one would! And if one would, explain why. Some foreshadowing would be good. But above all, some background would be.
Man, you really need to sit down and rethink this entire thing.
Hope I could help
~Ita
Um... If your name is LouisCypher, why'd you sign off with 'Ita' ? Just wondering. Yes, I do now what street smarts are, they're just in a place where there aren't any gangs. If you haven't notice, this is in "second character view". YOU are the main character. I don't know you personally, so how can I have some background? What makes you think that the main character is a boy? I SAID YOU>.< Do you not read this thoroughly? I suggest that you do, and take a hint !!!
Same goes for you. Take my - and the other's - opinions in consideration, instead of blowing us off. Otherwise, you'll never improve.
I'm still waiting for an answer for the 'Ita' thing. Seriously. Why?
Previous username.
Hello, I'm kayfortnight, but everybody here just calls me Kay.
The way you write this makes me believe the reader was the one considering taking it to the police, but the girl arguing against it makes me think the boy on the tape said it. Maybe clear that up a little?This is a very interesting piece. I haven't seen second person point of view used very often, but you do it well. There's only one place where you stumbled with it:
I'd suggest you should add more details to this. Where are the kids that are filming this, and what does the place they're filming in look like? You have almost no description here.
Also, you wouldn't be able to tell two people were fraternal twins just by looking at them They'd just look like a brother and a sister who were close to each other in age; there'd be similarities between the two, but you wouldn't be able to look at them and say twins. You also wouldn't be able to see a girl setting up the camcorder on the camcorder-it just doesn't work that way. The angle would be all wrong.
Now for grammar and spelling! (I know, I hate this part too.)
Should be without.
Should be you're.
Should be stares straight.
Should be you're.
Should be there, all right.
Should be world's last chance, and you need.
Should be Something bad is going to happen. You just know it. Or Something bad is going to happen; you just know it.
Bye for now!
Hey Xanthe here
Firstly, I liked how this was done. It was quite different from what I've read before. It also is quite personal to the readers, when you have done it as if the readers are the main character here by saying "you".
I was quite confused at one part but it is might just me not understanding stuff as usual when its probably very clear to everyone else.
" " I know that this is gonna sound crazy, but you need to know this. THE WORLD needs to know this."
"Tell them about what's going to happen! And how!"
You hear another voice, a boys', and consider taking this to the police. "
I was not sure if this was the same person that is speaking or if it was the boy speaking. If the boy was speaking, maybe write it like this, " Tell them about what's going to happen! And how!" A unseen boy says from somewhere outside the camcorder's frame. This is the first time you hear him in the recording.
Other than that I think that I would like a bit more description in it, like what did the place look like in the recording but that is just my opinion. I did notice a couple of mistakes but im sure they can be easily sorted.
Overall I quite liked this piece and I would like to read more.
Keep writing
Sorry I do not know how to get they weird box things for the quotes DX