It was Summer’s sixth birthday; she ran in my room and I slid the note under my pillow before she could see it.
“Kevin, mommy’s still sleeping!” She‘s been sleeping a lot these days every since her newest boyfriend decided that the kids were to much for him to handle. He was just another one that can‘t handle the ‘responsibilities’ of an emotionally unstable 17 year old and an overly excited soon to be six year old.
“I don’t care. Summer go away!“ I know I should have gone to check on mom right then and there, I mean it was three in the afternoon and it was her daughters birthday, but I wanted to do something first, so Summer decided to go wake her up. I stuck my hand under my pillow and re-read the letter
Hey Kev,
I’m not coming for Spring’s what is it her forth birthday now? Sorry, anyways tell your mom to shut the fuck up about the fucking child support. Talk to you soon. I might have to go to jail here for a little bit but I’ll be out before you turn 21 so we can go party. They only gave me two years this time.
I don’t think he has ever been sober except for when he went to prison for two years. I have been protecting Summer from him for close to four years now, she doesn’t need to have that kind of man in her life I would rather her have no father than him as a father. I started to cry and slowly reached my hand under my bed and pulled out the blade. I felt my usual feelings rushing to stab at me to gnaw at my resistance. I couldn't stop myself at this point I needed it.
‘Just one or two slices and I’ll be better…’ One or two turned into three or four then five, six, seven, eight, nine…that’s when I heard it, it was so loud that ten went way too deep. I jumped and hit my head so hard that everything went blurry and I couldn’t walk straight. I ran to the stairs as fast as I could and as soon as I got there Summer fell into my arms, she was soaked in something warm that smelled like…‘no that’s just my arm it is bleeding pretty bad the last cut was very deep.’ I thought to myself.
I was so dizzy and my eyes wouldn’t let me see past the red haze that was covering everything. I didn’t realize until my head cleared that it wasn’t my eyes that were seeing red it was that Summer and everything else was covered in blood. My legs gave in and after a minute I realized I had stopped breathing my head started to fog over and I didn‘t know what to do. I heard movement so I looked up and at the top of the stairs stood the one woman I hate most in my life. She shot her only daughter on her sixth birthday and all that woman could do was laugh and say, “Don’t look so upset you'll get your turn soon enough.”
With the strength I had left I stood up and ran to the front door when I got it open the few neighbors, the ones that had stuck their heads out their doors to see what the commotion was about, ran over and tried to help I wouldn’t let any of them touch Summer I couldn’t stop crying and I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t have enough energy left in my entire body to fight off the 20 people that were trying to take Summer away from me, but I could at least fight one. I got up and pushed my way back up to the house, to the door, to the foot of the stairs, and slowly I walked up each step until I reached the top.
“You stupid little fuck you couldn’t just let her die you had to go and be the fucking hero well sometimes the good guys don’t win this is just one of those times.” She raised the gun up to my face and I blacked out. When I came to I was covered in blood, and I couldn’t seem to open my eyes, my head was so dizzy and I was so weak that I couldn‘t even get one half way open.
I heard something that was making a slow beeping noise it sounded weak and unstable I also heard a loud wailing sound coming from somewhere near by maybe just outside, was I inside? I tried to push myself up but something was holding me down it was tight, too tight. My heart sped up and my whole body started to shake violently suddenly more things jumped on me and started to push me down, and I felt something stab into my arm and it all started to go blurry and I became weaker and weaker. While I was out I tried to remember what had happened all I could remember was the note, the noise, the blood, and…I jumped up and screamed.
“Summer!” My whole body began to quiver as the silence of this cold room became apparent to me no one moved or no one was around to move, but that beeping noise was still there only this time it was louder, a bit stronger, and more stable sounding, funny that’s how I felt. I let my head clear and while I did this I began to assess myself, my right arm felt stiff, there was something making it hard for me to breathe through my nose, something was dripping very close to my ear, and my head seemed to be engulfed in a haze.
I let myself slip back into a state of semi consciousness, I was trying to let everything clear up, but all that seemed to happen was a sharp stabbing pain began to throb in the right side of my stomach. The pain made me scream I couldn’t stop my screams they came out as howls and once they started they wouldn’t stop. I was screaming so loud I couldn’t hear the people running in and out of the room shouting commands over my shrieks of pain and loss. Finally after the room was totally empty other than me did the pain finally completely come to a stop everything was foggy again I couldn’t tell what was going on.
“Hello? Someone please help me please tell me where I am I just wanna know where I am! Please someone just tell me what’s going on!” A sweet voice answered me when she spoke it sounded like she was singing her voice was soft and comforting I wanted to do what ever this women wanted me to do.
“Shhhhhhhh…it’s okay just go back to sleep you’ll be fine just go back to sleep.” So I did just that, I went back to sleep.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hello,
Thank you very much. One of my big problems is Grammar. Thank you for the tips and corrections. No this is not even close to the end of the story. I know it is a little confusing at the moment but that is mostly do to the fact I wrote this quickly trying to get it down before it vanished. So yes there will be more as soon as it is written it will be posted. I love getting feedback it helps to keep me on track. I have too many times started a story and then stopped just because so when I get feedback good or bad it helps to get me back into it. So thank you and I'll take your advice and fix it up!
You need something after 'birthday'. You could do a semi-colon or separate it into two sentences.
Just spell out the words and rate the entire work accordingly.
He sounds like such a winner!
This doesn't make sense.
You could put a period after 'blade', or just take out the 'to'.
So he got Summer out and then went back into the house where his crazy mother is?
Again, just spell it out and rate the work accordingly.
I would put a period after 'out' and then start a new paragraph with 'When I came to...'
This ending was kind of just there for me. I think you could have done more.
Is there going to be more parts because this was definitely intriguing.
I don't really have any other criticisms to add. All and all I thought it was good.
-Carly
Hey Deathstar!
I find it awfully sad that this happens to so many families. I hear it on the news all the time and usually no one survives such a thing. This is also the first I've read of it in the form of fiction. And, as much as this doesn't seem to suit the mood of the story, I enjoyed reading it. Does that sound wrong? Anyroad, it was a good piece. Just in need of some fixing up.
First off, you need to remember commas! You've left them out in various places. Go back and reread your sentences aloud. Reading them aloud will help you notice the natural pauses, showing you where a comma should go.
Thoughts and the note should be in italics so your reader doesn't confuse them with the rest of your story. It also makes them easier to see.
You can spell the cuss words out, as long as you remember to rate your work as R. So people will know it may contain said words. Numbers should also be spelled out unless it is an overly large number.
The two overly large paragraphs near the end you should split up so they aren't big, intimidating blocks. I have a tendency to skim through large blocks like that, and no writer wants that! Split them up!
You also has some overly long sentences which get boring rather quick. Splitting them up won't be too hard so I won't point any of them out.
~~~~~~
Now that those are out of the way, I can try and comment on some of the main things.
Well, as this is short, I wouldn't expect too much character development. However, you revealed some of the family's problems quite smoothly and some of Kevin's bad habits. I've never actually understood why people deliberately sliced or stabbed themselves on purpose.Some of your character's thoughts seemed jumbled, but that may be due to the lack of commas and properly placed periods.
I also don't understand why he ran back into the house. Did he take his sister with him, or leave her body outside with the crowd? Did he get shot too? Did he die in the end? You left your reader on a hook, wondering what happened to everyone. Will you write a second piece or is this it? If this is it, and the MC survived, then perhaps have him read the events in a newspaper or watch it on the news in the future. I don't know.
Well, I know it wasn't much but I hope I helped!
Meadow