"I have them in my sights" Said Derek as he applied pressure to the trigger. He knew he shouldn't kill her, but he had to save his brother.
Derek Letharo was a thirteen year-old marksman. He was raised by his father's freind, Mer'dok Allom. He was an older fellow, never told how old her realy was but he died from natural causes.
"Would you like me to neutralize the target?" Derek said into his Walkie-Talkie.
"No..." Said a deep voice from the other side of the 2-way.
"Why not?" Said Derek with anger in his voice. "I came here all the way from earth, now tell me, why the hell cant i neutralize the target?"
"Because you are the target..."
Just then Derek's life flashed before his eyes.
*Next chapter coming soon*
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This story really should be in Sci-fi Because he lives on a different planet.
Why is he an assasin?
Wow, yeah. *Agrees with the ninja turtle:)*
Also too much information for the first couple of paragraphs. Especially in the second one, it's: "he is this, he was that," and so on. It would be ok to introduce this information, if it was later on, and you did it gradually. More description as well. In the second half:
Spell check! Also, one swear word isn't really enough to make this an R in my opinion.... maybe it gets different later on? "cant" should be "can't" and then "i" should be "I". Too mistakes in a row like that doesn't look good. Maybe look this whole thing over before editing?
Here:
oooo! nice twist for the ending. I don't particularly like the "Just then" part, but that might be just me.
Other than that, this seems like a very interesting beginning.
Too short! Make us care for the character before you kill him off, yes?
Give us a description--something other than his age, you know? Nice twist though
You mention he came "all the way from earth." Now explain where he is NOW. Give us a setting. Time, Place, etc. In short--make it longer, yes?
--Hunter