Published October 9, 2007
I walked towards the door. I knew I would be late, but at least I could get there before the doors close. I've done that before! I had to climb through a window to get in, they still haven't noticed the broke glass in the trash can.
"Hey there Mr. Charles!" I said to my neighbor. He is an older man, probably in his mid eighties. He likes me but I think he is a scary fellow.
"Hello there Dani, have you been losing your mail?" He asked.
"No, I have it every day! Why do you ask?"
"I think the mail boy is stealing my paper, don't you think so?" He replied.
"I don't know, maybe you should ask him." I said, sarcastically. I didn't like him for one good reason. He didn't trust anyone, according to him he is being stalked, harassed, and abused! But its just every day life catching up to him.
I didn't like driving my car, it's a Corvet Stingray. I always get weird looks as if I'm crazy! But I know its just because I have the nicest car in my city.
I live in a little city called Potan Village. It's a nice place for being a Village, but I'd rather live closer to Red Sky, such a long drive! Usually takes around 20 minutes to get there!
I got in my car, started it up, and drove off. It was a cold day, the window started fogging up when i turned up the heat but the fog dissipated eventually. I hate driving!
I was two streets away from Red Sky, it only took me 15 minutes to get there too! I was impressed. I drove down Moore Road, the road Red Sky was on, as fast as I could. I hit 78 miles per hour before I had to slow down to hit the speed bump without tearing off my shocks.
I approached the parking lot, anticipating the jobs for today. I had to stand in front of a door all day, much fun. But I had a bad feeling in my stomach, not like I was going to get sick, but more like something bad was going to happen. Maybe the door will open and bump me in the nose!
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138,312 Literary Works • 672,102 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was a good story. It felt a little incomplete though, like it was a part of something bigger and we missed the main part of the story. This feels like it is just the build-up to something bigger, something that we apparently missed because we never got to see it take place in this story. Its like a short excerpt taken from a book. Its good writing and all, but on its own, it does not stand very well.
The beginning was rather common and uninteresting. I like stories that start with short sentences, but here we do not have the hook that pulls us in, that promises us a crazy ride or an interesting journey, depending on what you are trying to present to us. You should always try to make your beginnings more appealing. If your beginning is attractive and intriguing, then the reader will at once get invested in your story. They will get attached to the character and they will follow the story until the end to find out what happens to them.
This part was rather funny, especially because of how truthful it is. I personally have seen this same tendency in many elder people who are overly paranoid for no real reason. Its not something they can control though, so I am not sure if it very useful for the narrator to hold that over him. Still, I liked the way you presented the simple truth after this. The line: "But its just every day life catching up to him," packs a punch and is applicable not just to his neighbor but to people around the world as well.
Slight typo here. It will be 'broken', not 'broke'.
You managed to create a sense of foreshadow here. The tone of the story is rather light, and as we follow the narrator, we can see that this is just another random day for him. He is unconcerned and carefree and there is nothing really bothering him. Until, in the very end, where this sense of doom settles in the pits of our stomach. There is no way for us to anticipate what is going to happen next, but you do create this thrill that stays with the readers. Of course, it would have been better is something actually happened and we were not left hanging like that. But this is apparently the end of the story, and personally, it left me wanting more.
One thing I did not understand was the reference to the Red Sky. It seems as if it has a rather big importance in the story, but here we do not really get much information about what it actually is. I guessed that it is a building where the narrator works as a guard, but this is merely just guesswork from me. I would really like to know for sure. Especially since the name is in the very title of the story itself.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Er, miyavi, neighbour and neighbor are both correct, death is obviously American.
A dark parody! Funny! I love it; made my day.
Hmm...Ok...here's what i'm going to point out:
oswitch from present tense to past tense a LOT - I do it a lot too, you don't realise you're doing it. BUt it's confusing to read so you need to decide what tense you are going to write in.
- Neighbour
I've noticed that you also use a heck of a lot of excalmation makrs - are the all really necessary??
-This part is a little contradictory, if he dosen't like driving the car would he really have bought such an expensive one?
- Put this part with the bit above - otherwise the part above is not needed. And you don't need to say that he hates driving as we already were told that in a way.
!
-This bit...I don't know. You put some things in here that don't seem to fit - is this a serious story or are you making it a slight comdey - you should make it clear form the beginning.
Hope the next part goes well!
Meevs
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