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Atal (Lovecraftian devotee)

by dead369

Four regions.
Inside our
carved minds.

Steps of slumber on the West.
Ulthar, Sarnath, Enchanted Woods.

Isle Oriab on the South.
Fantastic Realms, Baharna, Yath.

Celephais on the East.
Great Dreamer Kuranes ruling lands.

Plateau of Leng on the North.
Human corpse-eating cult devours men.

Kadath castle on the mountain.
Home of the Great Ones.
Rulers of dreams.

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18 Reviews

Points: 1230
Reviews: 18

Sun Feb 28, 2016 11:37 pm
TaylorAllen wrote a review...

Hello! Review time, let's go.
This is a fantastic fantasy piece, first of all. I noticed every line ends in a period except for the third line, and when I look back on it, the format looks a little weird, but it's your choice and it's not a big deal. Also in that stanza, would it work better if it said "carved inside/our minds' instead of 'inside our/carved minds'? Because this poem is sort of like a map.
I can also see this as part of a larger fantasy work and it would work really well.
Third and finally, 'human corpse-eating cult devours men' is really sudden and jerky from the rhythm of the rest of the poem. Also, it's a bit redundant, so you m ight want to play with the wording.
That's all! It's a fascinating and interesting poem, good job!

User avatar
121 Reviews

Points: 1832
Reviews: 121

Sun Feb 28, 2016 9:06 pm
WritingWolf wrote a review...

Hey! I'm WWolf, here to do a review for you. :)
I haven't read Dream Cycle so I'll be reading this on a completely clean slate.

I like the first stanza. It sets the tone really well and makes the reader curious.

The next four appear to be talking about the four regions. At first these didn't really make much sense to me. I like the was that the first line in each of these stanzas is kind of like a name and the location. The second lines I'm guessing are like places in each region or something? Personally I think it would be better if you gave a tiny little bit of description of the region instead.

The last stanza seems really good to me, but it doesn't really sound like an ending. I can't really think of a reason why or a way of describing what that even means. So just think about what you find makes a good closing and then come back and see if this fits those guidelines. Unless this isn't supposed to be the ending...

Overall, I feel like this piece doesn't really accomplish much. It just tells you there are these for regions, here's a little about them, plus this castle. It's all set up.
What kind of piece are you going for here? Is it supposed to tell about something happening, describe a place/person/feeling/thing, or something else? I'm assuming it is supposed to describe a place. So that is what I recommend you do. Tell us more about those four regions using all of your senses. What kind of plants and animals live there? What kinds of food do they make there? What kind of music do they play? Are the people friendly?

So, yeah. Sorry if none of that actually applies. Like I said, I haven't read Dream Cycle. Although, you should still try to make your piece stand well on its own. I hope I gave you something interesting to think about somewhere in there.

Yup, that's all. Have a nice day, and keep writing!

If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
— Lemony Snicket