z

Young Writers Society



Alive and Dying

by davantageous


Thirsty and tired my camel and I 

To this dessert we must see a canal 

A dash of water to our thirsty lips and throat 

Shared together by me and my camel 

I am sure we will go ahead along the way.. 

Alas, I see a spot of water from a distance more 

Hurriedly I run to relieve thirst for our very dry throat 

But oh to may dismay, still it is a vast sand 

Am I dreaming again or is it an intuition, a vision 

Am I going hallucinations in this land of sand storms 

How long more to travel, to reach my destination? 

Poor me and my camel, we have to be strong 

It must be the beast in my dreams that I was to rage 

Thirst, hunger and fatigue were the furious foes 

The ugly creature that was seen and played in my imaginations? 

In my subconscious mind I hear sounds 

Strumming to my ears the voice gets loud 

An old man was taping my face gently, as to wake me up

 

His clothes covered his whole body from neck to toe 

Dirty and seem very weak still managed to help me 

Offered me a drink from a stone-like mug, not familiar to my sight. 

It was like the ancient utensils I see in the pages of my history books. 

In my mind I asked myself, where am I and who is he 

Strange but the old man after my awakened just stood up 

Apparently looking at me and appears that he was damn mute 

Again a question glimmered in my mind flashing back 

What had happened in my way trying to feast the beast of the dessert 

I covered my face with my hands to think back of the flee I made 

A second last, take the off, opened my eyes and to my surprise 

No man, no house no water or mug, no one beside me 

Together with is just my ship weak and tired. 

I have improved I have to move out from this desert fast 

Where my feet will lead me I will follow the path 

A strong force in my sense pointing me to a direction 

South I will go hoping the right way to my destination. 

A group, yes, I can see from here to down that hill 

Have to double my effort to reach the site and get some stuff 

My stomach is empty now, my ship collides didn’t stand 

The battle in that desert for hunger and thirst and rest. 

I see now, oh well it’s not a crowd 

A vast of brown and green land I thought were men 

In my wild imagination I was off beam 

In the wrong way am I again? 

A paradise! Ha ha ha ha, at last it was my luck! 

I was leading the right path to my new life 

Fruits, ocean, fish, birds and animals 

What could I ask more, my praises to HIM. 

I fill my hunger fruits everywhere 

Will this be my second life to live in? 

Water was an ocean I will not need 

Only my shelter I have to build, to put on 

A day a week had passed that fast 

Full of energy I am ready to exploit this place 

Into the deepest of this wilderness I have to seek 

And start a new village destined for me. 

Huh! A roaring I can hear from my back 

Birds flew high seem they were fright 

Scared of something, but the sound gets loud 

Oh my God, what is this creature leading towards me? 

I have to be alert I have to be wise as I am 

I have never seen as ugly as bulky beast like this 

Ahhhhhhhhh, he’s leading fast on me 

Ready to ransack, to attack and kill me. 

What must I do, should I run this fight as a looser 

To save my life from this hungry monster isn’t cowardice 

I have to be clever to know that I am superior to him 

My nerves were tight, my blood was boiling hot, my mind shouts fight. 

Determined I bravely I composed my self 


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125 Reviews


Points: 3435
Reviews: 125

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Tue Jul 03, 2012 12:17 am
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PixieStix wrote a review...



Hey, Pixie here to review this poem!

To start off, somehow, when I read this, I pictured it as a short story. It was actually like you were there in the scene, can tell what the person is feeling. Though, one thing I though you could've done better to stop confusion, was break it up a little more. Maybe put no spaces between ecach line, so we can tell when each stanza ends and another starts. Just a thought, there.

Another thing(s) I thought were a little confusing were the way you stated things. For example:

Ahhhhhhhhh, he’s leading fast on me


and:

A paradise! Ha ha ha ha, at last it was my luck!


Kind of broke the flow of this peice. So much big words! Yet when it came to these...It became a HUGE downfall. Actually, in the second example, there was some grammar errors as well. You should try putting some comma's between the 'Ha, ha, ha, ha".

Overall though, This was really detailed. Amazing job. Keep writing!

~Katie




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30 Reviews


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Mon Jul 02, 2012 8:48 pm
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VampireSenshi wrote a review...



Oh my goodness, I really enjoyed this poem! I would almost classify it as an epic, mostly because it's longer, and it contains an (almost) complete story too it.

In the first part I was almost humming the Arabian Nights theme to myself. The description is so light, and perfect, it makes you feel like you're there. I must say it took me a moment to get the next part on the ship, but I got it eventually (that could just be me though).

I'm not usually one to nit-pick at grammar, but there were a few spelling mistakes, albeit small. For example, the word "desert" is often mistaken for "dessert" - I used to make that mistake often, what I use to remember that is that you use the "s" to determine which one you want two of. Just a fun little memory thing. And of course the word "Looser" - I'm not going to nag on that, I'm horrible with spelling mistakes.

Overall I really enjoyed this! Definitely Keep writing! And if you ever need another review, just PM me and It will be my pleasure :D





Look, a good poem is a poem that exists. Any poem you write is better than the poem you don't.
— WeepingWisteria