Thirsty and tired my camel and I
To this dessert we must see a canal
A dash of water to our thirsty lips and throat
Shared together by me and my camel
I am sure we will go ahead along the way..
Alas, I see a spot of water from a distance more
Hurriedly I run to relieve thirst for our very dry throat
But oh to may dismay, still it is a vast sand
Am I dreaming again or is it an intuition, a vision
Am I going hallucinations in this land of sand storms
How long more to travel, to reach my destination?
Poor me and my camel, we have to be strong
It must be the beast in my dreams that I was to rage
Thirst, hunger and fatigue were the furious foes
The ugly creature that was seen and played in my imaginations?
In my subconscious mind I hear sounds
Strumming to my ears the voice gets loud
An old man was taping my face gently, as to wake me up
His clothes covered his whole body from neck to toe
Dirty and seem very weak still managed to help me
Offered me a drink from a stone-like mug, not familiar to my sight.
It was like the ancient utensils I see in the pages of my history books.
In my mind I asked myself, where am I and who is he
Strange but the old man after my awakened just stood up
Apparently looking at me and appears that he was damn mute
Again a question glimmered in my mind flashing back
What had happened in my way trying to feast the beast of the dessert
I covered my face with my hands to think back of the flee I made
A second last, take the off, opened my eyes and to my surprise
No man, no house no water or mug, no one beside me
Together with is just my ship weak and tired.
I have improved I have to move out from this desert fast
Where my feet will lead me I will follow the path
A strong force in my sense pointing me to a direction
South I will go hoping the right way to my destination.
A group, yes, I can see from here to down that hill
Have to double my effort to reach the site and get some stuff
My stomach is empty now, my ship collides didn’t stand
The battle in that desert for hunger and thirst and rest.
I see now, oh well it’s not a crowd
A vast of brown and green land I thought were men
In my wild imagination I was off beam
In the wrong way am I again?
A paradise! Ha ha ha ha, at last it was my luck!
I was leading the right path to my new life
Fruits, ocean, fish, birds and animals
What could I ask more, my praises to HIM.
I fill my hunger fruits everywhere
Will this be my second life to live in?
Water was an ocean I will not need
Only my shelter I have to build, to put on
A day a week had passed that fast
Full of energy I am ready to exploit this place
Into the deepest of this wilderness I have to seek
And start a new village destined for me.
Huh! A roaring I can hear from my back
Birds flew high seem they were fright
Scared of something, but the sound gets loud
Oh my God, what is this creature leading towards me?
I have to be alert I have to be wise as I am
I have never seen as ugly as bulky beast like this
Ahhhhhhhhh, he’s leading fast on me
Ready to ransack, to attack and kill me.
What must I do, should I run this fight as a looser
To save my life from this hungry monster isn’t cowardice
I have to be clever to know that I am superior to him
My nerves were tight, my blood was boiling hot, my mind shouts fight.
Determined I bravely I composed my self
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Pixie here to review this poem!
To start off, somehow, when I read this, I pictured it as a short story. It was actually like you were there in the scene, can tell what the person is feeling. Though, one thing I though you could've done better to stop confusion, was break it up a little more. Maybe put no spaces between ecach line, so we can tell when each stanza ends and another starts. Just a thought, there.
Another thing(s) I thought were a little confusing were the way you stated things. For example:
and:
Kind of broke the flow of this peice. So much big words! Yet when it came to these...It became a HUGE downfall. Actually, in the second example, there was some grammar errors as well. You should try putting some comma's between the 'Ha, ha, ha, ha".
Overall though, This was really detailed. Amazing job. Keep writing!
~Katie
Oh my goodness, I really enjoyed this poem! I would almost classify it as an epic, mostly because it's longer, and it contains an (almost) complete story too it.
In the first part I was almost humming the Arabian Nights theme to myself. The description is so light, and perfect, it makes you feel like you're there. I must say it took me a moment to get the next part on the ship, but I got it eventually (that could just be me though).
I'm not usually one to nit-pick at grammar, but there were a few spelling mistakes, albeit small. For example, the word "desert" is often mistaken for "dessert" - I used to make that mistake often, what I use to remember that is that you use the "s" to determine which one you want two of. Just a fun little memory thing. And of course the word "Looser" - I'm not going to nag on that, I'm horrible with spelling mistakes.
Overall I really enjoyed this! Definitely Keep writing! And if you ever need another review, just PM me and It will be my pleasure