"Annaleea!" My mother called out from the throne room, "Do come here dear! Your father and I have a important matter to discuss with you!" I sighed and set down my embroidery relived for an excuse to leave the watchful eye of Mistress Peprin my tutor for home studies. I stood up, and stumbled as Mistress tutted and mumble about princess needing grace or some other nonsense. I smiled at her, as society manners says a princess must smile at every one, and left the room. I walked down the corridor, with its plush black carpets and its bright white walls, towards the throne room.
"Mother, Father." I said smiling kissing my father's fair cheeks, then my mother's dark ones, then stepping back. "You wished to speak with me?" I asked blowing a lock of hair from where it had fallen in front of my face.
"Annaleea. Don't blow your hair such! Tuck it back up it to its' bun as proper please." My mother asked kindly. I grabbed the lock of dark brown hair and tucked it into the bun as she wished, then my father started speaking.
"Annaleea we have something very important to tell you about Reyna." My father said referring to my younger sister. Reyna was a different, she had long ebony hair and almond shaped eyes I would kill to have. "When you were four, a maid was cleaning a room, a room no one ever went in, a room we hardly knew was there. In the room the maid opened a chest and there was a baby girl lying in black and white cloth, with black hair and white skin and your mother and I knew she was meant to live here at Mixed."
I processed what he was saying slowly...why had my mother put Reyna in a chest? Then I got it. "You mean Reyna's not my real sister? Or your real child?!" I said backing away as surprised and hurt that they never told me as if it had been me found in the chest. "Does Reyna know?" I asked my voice breaking, I loved my little sister and to find out she wasn't blood, wasn't even royalty was heartbreaking.
"No, she doesn't and you can't tell her, or anyone for that matter." My mother said sternly. I looked at them tears in my eyes wondering how could they be so cruel? To trick Reyna like this, to let her believe that they were her parents?
" She's right Annaleea no word of this to..." My father was cut off my a messenger that ran into the room. "What is it Ronald?" He asked the breathless messenger, rising from his throne.
"Sire!" Ronald breathed out. "Sire! Prince Daniel of Orangewood has asked for your daughters hand in marriage!" He spluttered out. I didn't see why the messenger was so breathless over this, was I really such a horrible choice?
" That's wonderful!" My mother said standing up beaming proudly. " We will have the ceremony arranged at once!" She said happily . The messenger shook his head franticly from left to right.
"No Your Highness! There will be no ceremony, for there will be no marriage! The Prince has been taking by the dragons of Devils Fire Woods! We have talked to the elves whom used there magic to get close to the dragons lair, they say he's alive but they have locked him up! No knight is brave enough to rescue him!" Ronald spluttered out. I was shocked, first Reyna, now Prince Daniel! A fond childhood friend, taken by the Dragons!
"Is there no knights brave enough? Are they completely sure?!" I demanded an answer. Ronald looked shocked as if he hadn't known I was in the room.
"No, Princess there are no knights brave enough, we have asked everyone! No one wants to risk the dragons fury." He said bowing his head. I looked from my mother to my father whom with sad expressions had sat back down upon there golden thrones. They weren't going to do anything! They were going to leave Daniel to rot with the dragons just as they had lied to Reyna for years! I shook my head and ran from the room.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,494 Literary Works • 672,584 Reviews
Hi there! Your peice made me laugh at one point. The part where she thinks if she really was a bad choice. I don't know if you meant it to be funny, but it was.
I'm going to be reviewing this for you.
So in the first paragraph your first few sentences are important. Here you have the princess being called as your opening sentence. You want to try and start a story with a something really attractive. It's important because some people will choose to read on if it's good. Then
Another thing about this chapter is that it's not really flowing smoothly. I think things are moving too fast. I feel like you could have written more like about the part where you where she was called by her mom. We found out just a bit that she's not so properly lady-like.Well you could have added on there. Well thats if you want it really isn't a big deal. The queen calling out to her daughter from the throne room really isn't so queen-like.Unless it's the way of the kingdom then that would mean that the princess isn't so bad in being a proper lady.
Now the next thing that I find really strange is that her parents just give her the information all of a sudden. Well if they're going to do that there needs to be a reason why.otherwise I just find it well...out of the blue. You could try to build up a situation that leads to her being told the secret. Plus the news came out so suddenly. You could build up a situation full of tenion there.
Then there is that proposal. I doubt that others servants of the kings would get the news first. In those cases the royal family would most likely meet. I know I found her reaction funny but it was also strange. wouldn't she feel anything from getting the news? All I saw was that she ignored it.
The knews of the dragon too, seemed a bit all of a sudden. Usually knights are proud(or the ones I read about in shakespeare and stuff) They put their lives on the line for the kingdom and for their king. They are brave and noble too, but you wrote that they we're too scared.It's really not so believable to me. When wriing your story needs to sell itself. Even if your writing about non-existing stuff (like a magical world) you still got to make it sound convincing and belivable.
Also there are some spelling mistakes you made that can be edited out. When writing speech it starts on it's own new line.
Nowthat I got that out of the way I can now tell you that I liked how you wrote even though it wasn't completely convincing. The way you wrote her reaction to the news was actually convincing enough to me. Oh and before I forget to mention you might want to let the problem of the storybe known.Although not detail but you could make it foreboding to whats going to happen.
I hope this review helped.
-Zo
sorry for mispellings and stuff. I couldn't correct my words without having to erase another...
The Candyman brings his greetings
Well first I must point out there were a few spelling mistakes.When the messenger tells them the Prince was taken, he says "taking" when it should be taken.Also there were a few others witch I'll leave you to find.
Other than the spelling mistakes this has promise.It sounds quite fun and its a nice change from the original kind of story.
You have written it all out very nicely witch I think is very important and you have a good choice in words witch also I think is very important.
Sorry if you think this review is too short but I think that's all I have to say for now.
Keep calm and carry on. The Candyman
Hey there, Stella here!
mumbled, and then say
who
Okay, so I love princess stories, a lot. And it's funny, because I'm writing a story about a duchess going to save a princess from a dragon, so on a similar vain.
The problem I'm about to talk about isn't unique to your story. It's something that drives me insane in a lot of works on YWS, and even more published books. And it's this: not every princess hates being a princess. Not every girl hates being a girl. The life actually comes with a lot of benefits. Plus, it's nature vs nurture in basic psychology. Sure, their nature might not be princess-ish, but if they've been learning to sew and smile and everything their entire lives, they're going to be good at it and chances are they're going to enjoy it at least some of the way.
You want your MC to be a knight? Fine! But do it in a slightly more original way. I have read countless stories where princesses leave a life of mundane embroidery and grace for a life of daring swordfighting and riding. Why do you think so many women back in the day spent time doing embroidery? There must be something good about it. What I'm saying is don't let your MC go, but present her in a more convincing and original way than, "I hate being a princess!"
As well, I agree with Miracles about the pacing. Why did her parents decide just then to tell her about her sister? It might wait until later in the story, no? It just seems strange to say, "Well today's the day we randomly decide to tell our daughter about our non-daughter!"
But overall, I love the idea of the princess saving the prince, and your setting seems interesting!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hi there!
Okay, so, I really like this world that you have built in this story here. I think that you have written about it really well. So well done for that.
Something that did bother me a little though, however, was the pacing. Having two shocking news delivered to the main character at such an early stage is a bit... unrealistic, I guess? I think that you should build and lead up to it a little more slowly. Yes, taking on a whole ten chapter in the beginning to establish the world and introduce is boring and annoying. But... having all sorts of thing happen in the first chapter can also be as bad. Or perhaps not necessarily 'bad', but overwhelming, rather.
You can certainly fix that up by putting introducing us to Reyna and Prince Daniel more. At the moment, we have no idea whether the Annaleea hates or likes them and so some of her reactions suprised me a little. From the title, I'm guessing that Annaleea will turn into a knight and save Prince Daniel and yet in this chapter, she and the messenger seemed a little bit suprised about the marriage. Which leads me to believe that perhaps, it was a suprised and yet she was really upset over how no one was going to rescue him. I mean, yes, it'd be normal if she was a bit upset, but I don't really think that that warrants the whole running out of the room part.
Now onto the positives, I liked your writing style, I think that this story flowed really well. Their dialogue was well written. So, you have no problems there.
Overall, I think that it would definitely benefit the story if you maybe spent a little time introducing us to the world, the characters and anything else that we need to know. Because otherwise our minds gets confused and well, we're not very likely to want to read a story if we're confused now, are we? Having said that, you do have a good start. Keep it up!
Hi again! Glad to see you changed the style to first person:)
I'm beginning to understand the world you have here. It's very fairy-tale like and make-believe, which I admire you for taking a risk with. This first chapter was short and sweet, much like your prolouge:) Though I have a feeling I know everything that is going to happen, so there is no suspense or need to read on. I hope you have some sort of twist coming up soon to engage the reader like you did in the last bit. Honestly, the title kind of gives it away:P
There are again some little grammatical errors, which I'll go through now.
* I sighed and set down my embroidery relived for an excuse to leave the watchful eye of Mistress Peprin my tutor for home studies.
- Have a comma after 'embroidery' and 'Peprin', and not sure if you should call it home studies... Perhaps 'Lady's Arts' or something more.. royal and fantasy:)
* "Mother, Father." I said smiling kissing my father's fair cheeks, then my mother's dark ones, then stepping back.
- Maybe change the end so its: "Mother, Father." I said smiling kissing my father's fair cheeks, then my mother's dark ones, and step back.
* "You wished to speak with me?" I asked blowing a lock ...
-Should be 'ask' to keep in presence tense, and put a comma aferwards.
* "Annaleea. Don't blow your hair such! Tuck it back up it to its' bun as proper please." My mother asked kindly.
- Again, should be 'ask' not 'asked'. I won't point out these bits anymore, but I suggest you go through and change it all to present or past tense, which ever you prefer. Also, 'hair such', I think is mean't to be 'hair as such'?, And 'back up it to its' should be 'back up into its'.
* Reyna was a different,
-Reyna was different.
-Also maybe make this one sentence before continuing, or put a semi-colon in instead ( ; ).
* a maid was cleaning a room, a room no one ever went in, a room we hardly knew was there.
-Replace commas with semi-colons ( ; ), as it is kind of listing the next thing about the room..
* saying slowly...why had my mother put Reyna
Put a space after the three dots, and begin 'why' with a capital.
* ... child?!" I said backing away as surprised and hurt that they never told me as if it had been me found in the chest.
- Comma after 'said', remove the 'as', and comma after 'me'.
* ... voice breaking, I loved my little sister ...
-Should be a fullstop.
* ... wasn't blood, wasn't even royalty was heartbreaking.
-comma after royalty.
* I looked at them tears in my eyes wondering ...
- 'them WITH tears in my eyes'
* "Sire!" Ronald breathed out. "Sire! ...
-I think you mean 'Sir'
* I didn't see why the messenger was so breathless over this, was I really such a horrible choice?
- Theres nothing wrong with this bit, I just liked it.
* "No Your Highness! ...
Needs either a comma or fullstop after 'No'.
*The Prince has been taking by the dragons of Devils Fire Woods! We have talked to the elves whom used there magic to get close to the dragons lair, they say he's alive but they have locked him up!
- 'taking' should be 'taken', and the comma after lair should be a fullstop.
* "No, Princess there are no knights brave enough, we have asked everyone!
- Should be: "No Princess. There are no knights brave enough. We have asked everyone!
* ... sat back down upon there golden thrones.
- 'there' should be 'their'.
And that it! All the editing I could find!
Fix these small mistakes and the story will be much easy to read and be much more profesional. Then go write the next chapter!