He swigs on his can, watching out for the Merc,
Another client telling his wife he's been held back at work.
His spouce sits legs crossed, in PVC boots,
Needing wednesday's allowance to peroxcide her roots.
In one long guzzle, he exposes bottom of tin,
So staggers to the offy for it's amber offering.
Where her dad used to sit is an empty chair,
She sits quietly in the corner with a bow in her hair.
"I'm going out now baby." "When will you be back?"
"Only half an hour, if you need ought call Jack"
Jack, her stepbrother, is sixteen years old,
Ignored by his classmates and left out in the cold.
He lives in his bedroom with an N64,
The player two control pad gathers dust on the floor.
Where her mum used to sit is an empty chair,
She sits quietly in the corner with a bow in her hair.
She hums to herself as she watches TV,
In a silky white dress and a doll propped.
She seems safe from the world behind a Yale lock,
A makeshift forcefield of brick and breeze block.
Upstairs her brother's racing car has mounted the verge,
But he doesn't care, he has an ulterior urge.
Where her brother used to sit is an empty chair,
She sits quietly in the corner with a bow in her hair.
He enters the room, slightly flushed in the face,
His body coming to terms with imminent disgrace.
A whore for a mother and father constantly pissed,
Are the excuses he gives, as he cannot resist.
She doesn't scream out, she is used to the drill.
But when the ordeal is over, her lungs fail to fill.
The next day at school will have an empty chair,
She lies quietly in the corner, the bow torn from her hair.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Aww, so sad. I guess it was clever, though. I like the description. The empty chair thing is a nice way to portray it. I also like the way that you described her with a bow in her hair to make hers seem little and innocent. So sad, "the bow torn from her hair." So descriptive and clever, but so sad. :'(
I read all the review above and everyone has already pretty much told you what I thought.
So I'll try not to say anything already said.
This poem created an image in my mind, that I know I won't be forgetting soon. I also found this poem quite delicious and satisfying if you get what I mean.
This poem also a and air of depression that brought out well. I think it's mainly because you showed us a picture that you painted with your words.
Well done.
-icy
Cool and creepy. The last line is brilliant.
[This from the Vogon, ignore me]
Weird, weird, weird. Put the "me" in and it'll be better.
I get why the last is there for the rhyme, but it sounds off. Change it to something smoother?
"The bottom of the tin"? It might throw the syllables out and all, but just "bottom" by itself isn't right.
It's = its
Very dark poem and thought provoking. Last line was brilliant.
This piece is rather powerful and I loved the rhyming .However...There was one spot where the rhyming was off just a little off.
"She hums to herself as she watches TV,
In a silky white dress and a doll propped. "
I think that is the only part that doesn't rhyme if I am correct.
Other then that it was a very well written poem and I greatly enjoyed it.
Keep up the awsome work.
Dark and powerful.
Excellent!
I liked it, as much as you could 'like' a poem like this one. I mean it is very depressing but creates a good mental image. A lot of people could relate to this in multiple ways which gives it it's appeal to people.
Minor corrections:
"Only half an hour, if you need (me) ought call Jack"
I agree with LittleLoveableSock, put a 'me' in and take out ought cause I really don't understand that line otherwise.
"he exposes bottom of tin,"
shouldn't there be a 'the' in front of tin?
"She hums to herself as she watches TV,
In a silky white dress and a doll propped."
this just kind of confused me, especially the second line, it really deviated from the rhyme scheme and didn't make sense.
what I loved:
"The player two control pad gathers dust on the floor."
This was a really powerful line and really created a good mental image.
"Where her dad used to sit is an empty chair,
She sits quietly in the corner with a bow in her hair.
...
Where her mum used to sit is an empty chair,
She sits quietly in the corner with a bow in her hair.
...
Where her brother used to sit is an empty chair,
She sits quietly in the corner with a bow in her hair. "
Very good use of repetiion and I absolutely love how you tie it in in the end with:
"The next day at school will have an empty chair,
She lies quietly in the corner, the bow torn from her hair."
bravo on that.
With just some minor correction this could be even more amazing then it already is. I really love it, keep writing!
~Rory Evelyn Legend
The poem is really strong and i like the way it flows, however I don't like the disgusting theme, but it is life...I really don't get the line "A whore for a mother and father constantly pissed" Otherwise everyting else is great. I don't really care about the rhyme, as long as it is able to illustrate feelings.
Woah. This made my breath catch in my chest. A lot of good points have been made, and I'll try not to repeat them. I'd change "guzzle" to "gulp" as I think it would work better with the rhythm. I'd omit "quietly" as I think it makes the line too long. Maybe try reading this aloud so you can get a sense of how it should flow. I'd get rid of "and" befoer "left out in the cold".
I love;
"The player two control pad gathers dust on the floor." It's a very powerful image.
I'm not sure about "and a doll propped". It doesn't make much sense. A doll proped where? I think it's a little forced.
I'd cut "and" before "father".
I love;
"He enters the room, slightly flushed in the face,
His body coming to terms with imminent disgrace.
A whore for a mother and father constantly pissed,
Are the excuses he gives, as he cannot resist.
She doesn't scream out, she is used to the drill.
But when the ordeal is over, her lungs fail to fill. "
The end is chilling, and the repetition of the bow image works well throughout. This is a really great piece.
Hope this helps.
Jas
He swigs on his can, watching out for the Merc, - "swings" on his can?
Another client telling his wife he's been held back at work.
His spouce sits legs crossed, in PVC boots, "spouse"
Needing wednesday's allowance to peroxcide her roots.
In one long guzzle, he exposes bottom of tin,
So staggers to the offy for it's amber offering.
Where her dad used to sit is an empty chair,
She sits quietly in the corner with a bow in her hair.
"I'm going out now baby." "When will you be back?"
"Only half an hour, if you need (me) ought call Jack"
Jack, her stepbrother, is sixteen years old,
Ignored by his classmates and left out in the cold.
He lives in his bedroom with an N64,
The player two control pad gathers dust on the floor. - nice line.
Where her mum used to sit is an empty chair,
She sits quietly in the corner with a bow in her hair.
She hums to herself as she watches TV,
In a silky white dress and a doll propped.
She seems safe from the world behind a Yale lock,
A makeshift forcefield of brick and breeze block.
Upstairs her brother's racing car has mounted the verge,
But he doesn't care, he has an ulterior urge.
Where her brother used to sit is an empty chair,
She sits quietly in the corner with a bow in her hair.
He enters the room, slightly flushed in the face,
His body coming to terms with imminent disgrace.
A whore for a mother and father constantly pissed,
Are the excuses he gives, as he cannot resist.
She doesn't scream out, she is used to the drill.
But when the ordeal is over, her lungs fail to fill.
The next day at school will have an empty chair,
She lies quietly in the corner, the bow torn from her hair.
WAHHH.
NOOO.
THAT SUCKS HORRIBLY.
This poem was really good, just a few misspellings here and there. I like how you told the story in such a descriptive manner with so many great metaphors. Great job!
KEEP WRITING!
Oops! I see I forgot to reply to this poem... my mistake... gomen...
I think that, given the corrections that Avalon, Galatea and Nate suggested, this is going to be better then it's already awesome awesomness (heh, scientific aren't I?). I read it all, O.O... wow wow wow... I think that this is perhaps one of the best poems I've ever read on an online forum. Incredibly dark and all... you think about it, right (forgive me, I'm in the middle of morning coffee)? Yeah, you think about it real hard, and then it's just like... wow.
Did I just say "like, wow"? Guess so.
But you deserve the temporary slip in my suave and debonair style... kudos for you. =)
I like this poem an awful lot, I just feel like it's missing a few pieces.
What is the Merc?
And what is the action in line 2? The father went out drinking with a client? And the client is now calling his own wife to say he's been delayed? Or is the mother for some reason being called by the client?
Great description.
What happened to her mother? I never saw an explanation for this line, and I'm curious to know why her mothers chair is empty now.
I'd make it slightly flushed OF face, but that's just personal preference.
Cheers, darko, you've done it again.
This is a very nice piece. Check some of your lines for rhythm and rhyming problem.
I'm not really sure what "if you need ought call Jack" is supposed to mean. This is a very awkward line rhythmicaly.
Be VERY careful of forcing rhymes. Other than that, I really like it. Especially the 2 line interjections. Very ominous.
This IS rather powerful and I really enjoyed reading it...it was fast-paced and the rhythym was consistant. Great poem.
I love how you repeat the line about the bow in her hair. That really tied it all together and the last line was really what hit me the most. Great job!
Yeah, I love it. Very dark and depressing which makes the reader want to read more. Afterall, youre name is Darko so...I guess that is why it is so dark. Well, I love it, anyway. Very good.
I thought that this was very, very powerful. It's one of the few things I've read lately that actually caused my chest to feel like it was sinking in. Very depressing and done very well.
Only a few things caught my eye...
- Capitalize Wednesday in the fourth line
- The rhyming between lines 9 and 10 makes the poem sound humorous for that instance. Not sure how this can be fixed, but it's something to consider changing if you can.
- You change the person in question in the seventh stanza for the last two lines; it goes from being about her brother to herself. This sounded very awkward to me.
Overall, a fantastic read.