Body snatcher

The funeral.

I sighed in the cold december air. It was one of those days, where the#FF0000 ">cold chills of the air made everything seem clearer. Painfully clear. I was the only one at his funeral. I was 18, and both of my parents were dead. He had lost his family too. We only knew each other, but we had made a beautiful world for ourselves. My fingers subconciously brushed my lips, remembering the last kiss we shared. Tears streamed down my cheeks. #FF0000 ">Why did he have to die? Why? I looked down at his casket, which was about to be buried. He had looked so peaceful, before I had placed the lid. He was surronded by his favorite white lillies. I tossed in a handful of soil before leaving the workers to shovel in the rest. I went back home, and laid in our bed, staring up at the ceiling. Where was he now? In the sky? Certainly not in hell. Was there really anything like #FF0000 ">in after life for my #FF0000 ">Jay? I closed my eyes hoping to wake up. I thought that I would never see him again, before I dozed off. Boy, was I wrong.



"#FF0000 ">Miss #FF0000 ">Neti? Kim #FF0000 ">Neti?" I was woken from my sleep by that voice. I rubbed my eyes and yawned. "hmm?" I mumbled. "#FF0000 ">Miss #FF0000 ">Kim, please arise from your slumber, there is important bussines that you must attend to." There was that voice again. I opened my eyes and sat up. What? I wasn#FF0000 ">'t in our bed anymore. I was in a grassy field. And the one who had been talking was standing next to where I was sitting. I wasn#FF0000 ">'t to surprised by any of this. Nor did I really care, with all that had happened. The one who had woken me was a young man. He was tall, and had brown hair, and cruel green eyes. He was wearing a suit. There was something deeply unerving about him. " #FF0000 ">Are you ready for #FF0000 ">Jay's awakening?" He asked. " #FF0000 ">What?" I asked in return. I had no idea what he was asking me. He gave me a look that said I should know. He offered his hand to help me up, and I took it. It was cold. I shivered. He took out an old fashioned watch, and checked it. " #FF0000 ">I'm #FF0000 ">James, your operator. Jay should be arriving soon." He said. Jay?! But that couldnt be. He was horribly #FF0000 ">(You should take out horribly or add a different word dead. I noticed a staircase that lead into the ground. I watched as jay, who was covered in dirt and was still in his tux, come up from the steps. "#FF0000 ">Jay!" I yelled, and ran to him. I hugged him in my arms, and waited for him to hug me back. He didnt. Ilooked up into his eyes, and gasped. Jay's eyes had been a clear blue, but now they were black, and they had an evil gleam to them. I let him go, and stepped back. " kim? Thats you, right?" Jay asked. The voice wasnt his. I took another step back. " who are you?" I asked jay. He smirked at me. " im jay." He said. " no your not " I said, and glared at him. " oh. Maybe im not. I dont think that jay had wings right?" He said mockingly. "what?" I asked, confused. Jay brought out a pair of gloriuos black raven wings. From his back. Oh my god. This was not jay. At all. I crumpled to my knees, and started crying. How horrible. What shit. "jay, my jay..." I sobbed, hiding my face in my hands. "oh, did you really have to make her cry?" James asked as he walked over to jay. " what are you?" I asked. " you could say fallen angel, demon, monster. We are what we are. Call jay and me what you want. It doesnt matter." James said. I stared at jay, horrified. His black wings extended. Who was he? Where was my jay? What was this?! I gripped myself, trying not to fall apart. " oh jeez. You cry to much." Jay said. I looked up. He was leaning over me. How had he?.... He leaned closer, and quickly kissed me before stepping back. I touched my lips in shock. It still felt like jay. But it wasnt him. He came closer, and kneeled in front of me. His strong arms held me close to him, and his wings blocked out the sun. " come on kim-kim, hug me back. I thought that you loved me." He whispered. I missed jay, and it still felt like him, so I held him tight. He stroked my hair, and whispered not to worry, it was was just like jay. Oh god, it hurt so much. My chest hurt. I gripped him tighter. " do you want to go home?" He asked. I nodded. Only because I wanted to find out more about what was happening. He picked me up. And carried me. He said bye to james, and kissed my forehead. I drifted off as he was about to fly.



"kim-kim?" I moaned. That was jay. " mmmmn jay, what?" I asked as I searched for him in the covers. I found him, and latched on. We didnt do 'it'. We just slept in the same bed together. His arms held me close to his chest. Oh, wait... Didnt jap just die? Everything that had happened came rushing back to me. I gasped, and tried to get away from him. He wouldnt let me. "jay, let me go!" I said against his chest. " why kim?" He asked okay, now he was just pissing me off. " you know damn well why!" I said as I struggled in his grasp. I started to cry. " let me go, please." I cried. I stopped struggling, and his arms lossened around me, and his hand held my face. I blushed, despite myself. " stop it." I said. He didnt. He kissed me, and wiped away my tears. I dont care how nice he was, I wanted my jay back. " sorry." He whispered, before he let me go, and got off the bed. A horrible lonliness filled me. I sat up in the bed. Jay was sitting on one of the chairs. " okay. So why did you take over jay's body?" I asked. " well, its because of a contract that was made. With a demon." He said. Huh? " who made that deal?" I asked. " it was your father." Jay said. I nearly gagged. " my father?" I said. Jay nodded. " yeah. James had to kill your parents. They couldnt pay the contract. So now your dealing with the costs." He said. " what are the costs?" I asked. " your soul. Im just using jays body to ba able to stay close for when the right time comes." He said.

Hiya,

This was a very hard piece for me to really latch onto, or enjoy or appreciate as a whole. I can tell that you have some good stuff here and that there is some room for growth, but it's almost completely overshadowed by the grammar and the sloppiness of how this is edited. First of all, like cottonrulz said, you need to go to a new paragraph for each time a new person speaks; it makes things a lot more manageable to read. Secondly, I would run a spell check through this, as, like cottonrulz also mentioned, there are a lot of misspelled words and typos. When a piece is that rough grammatically, it takes a way from the story and gives the reader the impression that you don't care about your work.

I thought it was very good, and I think that, with a little bit of editing and polishing, you can make this into a memorable and emotional short story. You had a good start, but I couldn't stay focused on the second paragraph. You also need to capitalize things like names and focus on your dialogue punctuation -- check out this great article for more information.

Even though you seem to have good ideas and interesting characters here in this piece, I can't focus on it or comment on it too fully because of how over the place the grammar is. Sure, it's the story and the characters that count, too -- but grammar is important because it makes the story seemed more polished and clean as a whole.

I hope this helps you revise! Feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions!

~ Elinor

hello I loved the emotions in this piece - well, mainly in the first paragraph. That was manageable, and it was wonderfully written. Your second - hmm. Not quite so You need to split it up, capitalise words that should have capitals and generally use more punctuation. I have to confess that while I did read to the end, I pretty much skimmed the second paragraph - I hate doing that, but it was so hard to remain focused. Still, these mistakes seemed to stem more out of laziness than an ignorance (sorry if that's offensive, but that was the impression I got, and it was a little irritating, because you have real concrete talent!)

So, I'll break up the first few lines of the second paragraph to give you an idea of how I would do it:

"miss neti? Kim neti?" I was woken from my my sleep by that voice. I rubbed my eyes and yawned. "hmmn?" I mumbled. "miss kim, please arise from your slumber, there is important bussines that you must attend to." There was that voice again. I opened my eyes and sat up. What? I wasnt in our bed anymore. I was in a grassy field. And the one who had been talking was standing next to where I was sitting. I wasnt to surprised by any of this. Nor did I really care, with all that had happened. The one who had woken me was a young man. He was tall, and had brown hair, and cruel green eyes. He was wearing a suit. There was something deeply unerving about him. " are you ready for jay's awakening?" He asked.

"Miss Neti? Kim Neti?"

I was woken from my my sleep by that voice. I rubbed my eyes and yawned. "Hmmn?" I mumbled.

"Miss Kim, please arise from your slumber, there is important business that you must attend to." [to which you must attend]

There was that voice again. I opened my eyes and sat up. What? I wasn't in our bed anymore. I was in a grassy field. And the one who had been talking was standing next to where I was sitting. I wasn't to surprised by any of this. Nor did I really care, with all that had happened. The one who had woken me was a young man. He was tall, and had brown hair, and cruel green eyes. He was wearing a suit. There was something deeply unnerving about him.

"Are you ready for Jay's awakening?" he asked.

He had lost his family too. We only knew each other, but we had made a beautiful world for ourselves.

My fingers subconciously brushed my lips, remembering the last kiss we shared.

Whyd he have to die?

He was surronded by his favorite white lillies.