The soft sounds
Of the beauty's flutter
Echoes through the hallway
My heart skipped a beat.
Someone was watching me
The proud being,
She begins to feel a presence of danger
Somehow,she just couldn't force herself away,
Footsteps were approaching.
This sensation,
It feels utterly familiar,
My whole body was reluctant to go
Amidst the threat.
Her majestic wings,
They tried to function
As she rushes to flee,
When suddenly,
A darkness,
A shadow
Begin to prevail
My tears; they began to fall
As my heart beats rapidly.
The innocent butterfly,
Now held captive by a man,
Felt frail.
She couldn't move.
As he felt the butterfly go limp
And lifeless,
The man dropped her
Breaking her wing.
And so ends a tale,
Of agony and misfortune
A tale of the heartbroken,
And a tale
Of an innocent broken butterfly.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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In the first stanza, "echoes" should be "echo" because it modifys "soft sounds" and you'd say "soft sounds echo" rather than "soft sounds echoes".
Try to keep tense consistant, especially within stanzas. Ex (stanza two):
"It feels utterly familiar, (present)
My whole body was reluctant to go" (past)
There are a number of instances when you use the form: "_______ begins to _________" which is alright when used sparingly, but don't always rely on this form to present verbs and move the action.
I didn't like the last stanza. It was too much of a summary, and the reader shouldn't need this stanza to tell them what the poem is about if you've done a good job presenting the rest of the poem.
Commas aren't needed after every line, so double check punctuation.
...Snoink had some good things to say about allegory.
Good luck!
The last stanza is unneeded IMHO...
"My heart skipped a beat" - Cliché
This had some nice lines, but I think you could add more imagery. Make it pretty, more poetic you know?
Sorry I don't have more to say.
well I believe kitty and snoink covered mostly the whole thing. Um..I liked how you described most of the things and yes you did change tense but it didn't really catch my eye first off. Well just fix some of that up and it could be very good! Good luck!
I think Snoink covered this pretty well but I'd like to add that you switch tense and perspective a lot. That's fine if you have a reason for it but it doesn't seem to add to this poem. It just makes it confusing.
First thing I noticed was that your poem relied too heavily adjectives and adverbs. Looking back at the poem, it's not that there's a lot of adjectives or adverbs... in fact, in that area it's quite minimalistic. But the adjectives and adverbs are so weak that they just pop out badly. So you're going to want to look at them.
The next thing... I know that metaphors are good and all, but this is just way too obvious. The butterfly represents something beautiful and innocent, yada yada, and the shadow or man represents something bad. Except, nothing is completely innocent and beautiful or bad. So though this does stand for something allegorical and everything, it fails because the characterization is so limiting.
In fact, I think this is why the adjectives are used so poorly. The adjectives are used to bias the reader into making the reader think that the butterfly is perfect and the shadow is evil. And this is bad.
Try to describe the butterfly in a negative way and the man in a positive way. Not so much that the butterfly becomes evil... that would be ridiculous. But nothing is perfect and no one is totally evil. Incorporate this thought in your poem and you have it made.