Hey, all! This is just a blurb from my story to give you a bit of background; I don't think it really counts as a prologue or chapter, though. I do have more to add on later! Anyway, hope you enjoy! I would really appreciate reviews on this, as this is my first ever story. Thank you all!
Faylinn shuddered against the cold, clasping her knees close to her chest. How long she had been there, she did not know; it could have been minutes or hours. The wind whispered through the leaves above her, pitying her and assailing her at the same time. She knew she would be safe up here for the night, for no one else in her family could climb as high as she could.
On the ground below, she could see them laughing around the campfire, roasting marshmallows. Their voices floated up to her along with the sweet smoke. "They're not even sorry," she thought. "Do they even remember that I'm here?" She couldn't seem to do anything right by them-- especially not by her father. She would be glad to be forgotten by him-- perhaps her bruises would fade into bad memories if that were so. Perhaps she could be happy, and find peace. Since things had not gone well this night, she resolved to not spend it with them. They didn't want her there, anyway.
Eventually, the fire started dying down and Faylinn’s family started going inside the house. She heard Ava say to Faron, “Faylinn sure missed out. Do you think we should find her?” Tossing her head, Faron scoffed, “Why should we? If she wants to pout, let her.” Ava said nothing in response.
Finally, all was silent. Huddled in the fork of the tree, Faylinn silently cried herself to sleep.
A sharp pain in her side awoke her the next morning. Clapping a hand to her rib, she glared down at the culprit. Faron stuck her tongue out in response, triumphantly wielding a rubber band. “Did you have fun up there all by yourself last night?” she taunted. “It sure was warm inside the house.”
Gritting her teeth, Faylinn growled back, “Shut up, you little brat! Just leave me alone!”
Cocking her head, Faron grinned back at her. “We did, last night. Haven’t you had enough of being alone? Everyone knows you don’t have friends.”
Gripped by rage, Faylinn swung out of the tree and struck Faron on the cheek. “Being alone is better than being with you! I’d take it any day!” she snarled.
Faron’s eyes glistened with tears. Jerking away, she turned to run inside, calling back, “You’re so mean, I wish you weren’t my sister!”
Faylinn slumped against the wall of the house, feeling miserable. She hadn’t wanted to be so terrible to her sister, but it was like she couldn’t help it. Faron wasn’t terrible all the time; she could actually be fun and affectionate. She just knew how to get under Faylinn’s skin, and made it her duty to do so.
“Faylinn Scarlet Hawking! Get your butt in here, NOW!” her dad bellowed. Faylinn winced. He was in the very back of the house; his voice sure carried. She trudged inside, half fearful of and half resigned to the verbal and possibly physical abuse she would surely receive at the whim of his wrath.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hey melon! Sorry for the late response! I've been a bit busy :3 Anyway, I'm here now and ready to review your introduction!
andAs I think someone mentioned before you have a very nice way of narrating the story. I can't exactly pin onto it but it seems to flow very well, give description and tell the story in a great way! You also show us the events so far but do not show us the details meaning that we get hooked in waiting for the next instalment; essential for openings!
Mostly this was fine! Seems pretty well revised and edited! I am a little bit concerned about the amount of commas in unneeded places. Especially near the start, there seems to be many commas where they are not needed. If you don't know what I mean here's an example:
Try reading one of your favourite books, notice that they will not have commas in places like that. it breaks up the sentence too much and makes it seem a bit starty-stoppy for lack of a better term :3
Also remember that semi-colons are used to replace connectives like and or because. In the second quote it should have been a full stop. Just don't fall into the hole of having too little, believe me, it's not good.
That's all from me! Overall very well done! *drops like*
Hey there! Here to review as requested.
And this might be short, because I couldn't really find much to nitpick or pull apart.
The only things that I have to say are: The writing quality is pretty excellent. I was a little bit worried about cheesy similes or melodramatic metaphors after that bit about the wind, right at the beginning, but I didn't find any aside from that, so props to you! The imagery was pretty decent, the voice wasn't too shabby (not too unique, either, but not that bad), and thus, there isn't much for me to talk about.
There are some things, however. What I don't understand is why Faylinn is the only child in the family being abused? I mean, this is a prologue, so maybe if I read what came after I'd understand, but just in case you don't clear that up in the next piece, I'd suggest at least hinting at a reason. Is she different from her siblings? A half sibling? Adopted? Disabled? Any other ridiculous (but unfortunately likely) reason for abusing a child? Which is more a question than a review nitpick, if it's explained later.
And what happened before she climbed into the tree? Anything? Why didn't she just stay in the house? She followed them outside, which leads me to believe that something had to have happened out-of-doors to actually trigger her decision to climb into a tree where she's out of reach.
Also, how many siblings does she have? And why were they outside in the first place?
Basically, if you were going to do anything to edit this piece, I'd just start it a few minutes earlier or sprinkle some background information in during opportune moments.
Otherwise though, I really enjoyed the story.
Good job and keep writing,
~Ish
They were having a bonfire outside, and they hadn't gotten along well. If that was unclear, perhaps I should revise it! And she's not the only one; just the only one you've read about so far. I haven't quite decided on the number of siblings, but for now, at least, she has two sisters and two brothers. May add on or not.
Thank you for the review!! ^_^
I extended this to become a chapter, so I posted the rest here: The House of Sand-- Chapter 1 Part 2
If you liked this, head on over and see what happens next! =)
Hi there! Here as requested.
Okay, so first off, nice blurb! Already I know I will enjoy this novel, if you ever post the entire thing.
You start off nicely, with throwing us into the scene. The main character is introduced and we immediately see that she is alone, drifted apart from her family, and that her father abuses her. Therefore, a dilemma is presented and it isn't solved, not for now, at the very least.
We see that her sister is a cruel bully, that she doesn't entirely care for Faylinn; Faron would rather taunt her and poke her and let her be in a tree all night than find her. Then she plays the victim when she gets what she deserves and gets Daddy to punish her sister for being mean. That's when we see that her father is fonder of her sister than her.
This little blurb shows us a lot about Faylinn and her life because so much is shown for such little text. We see that she is alone, she is lonely, and she is angry. We see that her family doesn't care too much for her and that she wishes she could leave them. We also see that her father is a jerk.
You did pretty good with this blurb. Giving us enough to make sense of, but ending at a nice cliffhanger, that makes us want more. I enjoyed reading this. It was nicely written, with a strong flow, strong imagery, and enough information to help us connect to the narrator. Well done. ^^
Oh, thank you so much!! NEVER did I expect to get a review like that.
Hey CesareBorgia here for a review,
As a new novel/story writer (read comments below), I feel that this story was very good.
Is she in pain, from what, well seeing as this is the prolouge, i"ll probably find out later in the story.
That's a really good description of tears, I never used that before. I normally use:
I was also able to relate to the fact that you are a new writer, because I've always wanted to write, I just didn't start until last December.
Best of luck in writing
~CesareBorgia
Hi! Thank you so much for the review! I should really fix that first sentence, shouldn't I?
Thanks again for the review! Good luck in your writing endeavors!
Hi, and welcome to the wonderful and crazy place called YWS!
First off, how cool is THIS story?! I love the descriptions, and the words fit together perfectly! Still, I just wanted to mention one issue... It's in this paragraph:
"A sharp pain in her side awoke her the next morning. Clapping a hand to her rib, she glared down at the culprit. Faron stuck her tongue out in response. “Did you have fun up there all by yourself last night?” she taunted. “It sure was warm inside the house.”"
That whole paragraph is really good, but I still think you MIGHT want to add what Faron did. I mean, did she poke her with her finger? A stick? A deranged chipmunk? I can't really tell. : S
But, don't get me wrong, this is really good! I love the names for the characters, the atmosphere, the first sentence, the rest of the sentences… I LOVE IT!! Keep calm and write on!
~Curiosity(killed the)Cat : )
Thank you so much! Rereading it last night, I realized that I never said what had hit Faylinn. I like the deranged chipmunk idea...
Thank you for the review! It means a lot to me as a new story/novel writer. =)
Fixed it!!
: D Glad I could assist! (*bows dramatically and shuffles away, feeling fulfilled with puny life*)
Hi, dancingwatermelon! Welcome to YWS! It's nice to see that you've already started sharing some of your works with us. ^_^
Now, on to the review!
I think this was a well-written piece. You presented the situation well without focusing too much on one thing or another; good job on that!
You have some excellent descriptions and imagery in the beginning, but they kind of peter off as the story progress.
^That was excellent.
I think if you could pull that sort of thing off more throughout the story, it would flesh it out more and make it even more worth reading! What kind of tree is she in? What does she look like? What does Faron look like? Is her house two-story, brown, pink, purple? Details! =D
I hope the two sisters can work it out. =( Let us know in the next chapter! (Or blurb, whichever comes next. ^_^)
~Ongoeslife
Hey, thanks so much! I guess I was pretty focused in the beginning, but not so much in the end. I'll work on that.
Thank you for your input! It means a lot.. =)