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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
text version:
she lays supine in the woods--
the mulch is scattered like stars across leaves,
leaves layered so intricately that if we dug deep enough
perhaps we'd find some that fell before i did for her.
my knees are wet with mud
and blood and a strange sort of love for this girl;
she dragged me back through the trees
and kissed me where i stood when a branch hit my neck,
the day my spine turned to pinecones and acorns.
and the insides of her wrists are thick with mulberry juice,
she says they burn the way
the nape of my neck did when it met the branch.
i trace oak-tree leaves along the crescent of her collarbone,
make her soften in the places i still have scars.
see, my love slurs her words while we wander
through our forest, grasps tighter to my rain-slick hands
when she fears i am running away.
i believe she will always kiss me at the spot where the branch hit my neck.
and my nerves are rigid these days like sticks,
brittle in a way i can't describe, but they will soften just for her.
hi love!! i'm not sure if i've ever reviewed your poetry before, so i'm excited to dive in!
she lays supine in the woods--
themulchisscattered like stars across leaves,i love what you're doing here, i really do. you're on a great track and it's such a striking and clear image. i do think where it could be improved is in pruning it a bit. maybe something along the lines of above.
leaveslayered so intricately that if we dug deep enoughi think there's some work to be done here. i almost want you to play around with a more active narrative.
layered intricately, digging deep enough
to find those that fell (before i did for her)
my knees are wet with mud
wet with blood and
amy strange sort of love for this girl;aftershe dragged me back through the trees
but before she kissed me
right where i stood when
athe branch hit my neck,the day my spine turned to pinecones and acorns.
ahhh that last line is soo good. you're building such a good narrative here with fantastic nature themes that i am really enjoying. the edits above are just suggestions, i just think playing with time/decomposition alongside those nature images might be a really interesting direction to take this. They are all three so intertwined, I think you could really play off of that and find some great connections there.
and the insides of her wrists are thick with mulberry juice,
she says they burn the waythe nape of my neck did when it met the branch.
i trace oak-tree leaves along the crescent of her collarbone,
make her soften in the places my flesh
i still havehas scars.i'm intrigued by the introduction of self harm into this, and i do really love the first line especially. it's quite evocative without being gore. however, i don't love the middle two lines. i think you could develop a better way to describe the mutual pain than burning, though i like the reference back to the branch from earlier in the poem.
see,my love slurs her wordswhileas we wanderthrough our forest, grasps tighter to my rain-slick hands
when she fears i am running away.
i believe she will always kiss me at the spot where the branch hit my neck.
and my nerves are rigid these days like sticks,
brittle in a way i can't describe, but they will soften just for her.
this stanza might possibly be my favorite!! the last two lines are superb and the first line is also excellent. A full small adjustments, but honestly fantastic all around. again, the reference back to the branch falls a little flat for me. i do like the repeat image of kissing necks/collarbones, but i almost want new images instead of the same one three times. think about other ways you could invoke similar imagery but in new ways or find new ways to describe this vicious and violent forest/relationship.
Overall, you've got some excellent work here. I always enjoy your poetry and the emotions you pull out of me are often ones i've felt myself. i know i mentioned this earlier in my review, but i think one of the pieces of wisdom i can impart to you that has helped me the most as i've developed my poetic voice, is to evaluate your poetry like a gardener looks at a rose garden. to keep the plant healthy and flowering, you have to take special care to prune off the excess. for me, that is the word "and". i lovelove to throw an and in there just because. look through some of your work and see what your tells might be, and it can be helpful in the editing process to recognize that early. eventually, you even get out of the habit of doing it all together.
when it comes to your imagery, i want you to explore and broaden yourself a little more. you had some really great beginnings, but i think instead of revisiting the branch/broken neck imagery, you should have explored a little bit more other feelings and experiences that could have achieved the same narrative. i think that's where you could make the most improvement with this piece. nice, nice, nice work!!!! thanks for sharing it with us.
xo
sparkles
ahhh thank you so much!! <3
Hi Chem!! Ellie here for a review
First impressions: as I read your poem, I was really blown away at how wonderfully you crafted this unique voice that was consistent throughout the entire poem. You speak with such elegant and lovely words, but it felt almost like its own genre. Your vocabulary is wonderful and I enjoyed this a lot. The aesthetic of the physical appearance of the poem is also very nice.
I really love your use of alliteration throughout the poem and especially in these two lines. I love the repetition of the L sound, and then the D sound. The second line confused me a little bit, but then I read it a couple of times, and it became clearer. Something about it is a little bit confusing, especially the "find some that fell before I did for her". personally, I would take out the "for her" but it still makes sense to me and it is such a sweet part of the poem.
I just wanna say that I really love how you are taking these physical human activities and turning them into these nature themed statements. You do this so well throughout the entire poem. I especially like the line where you talk about a spine being turned into pinecones. I can see and smell so much from these lines. The thing with nature poems is that if you do it well, you can really connect so many senses at one time and I think you did that very well.
This was my favorite stanza of the entire poem. To begin, I love how you describe how one person feels, but then connect the feeling to the other person. You do this two times in this stanza, and it really blew me away. You talk about how her wrist burned the way that your neck did. And then you talk about how her skin softens in places where you have scars. I get the sense of unity, love, understanding, and truly being one being connected through love. I really love that about the scars because it brings so much room for personal interpretation and connection.
I also love how you go back in the last stanza to some other parts of the poem. It was a great ending. Overall, I really loved and enjoyed reading this poem. Thank you very much for taking the time to write this and share this. I look forward to reading more of your amazing poetry soon!
Your friend,
Ellie
Hey, Chem!
I literally cannot HELP but review this poem. I'm so in love, it's incredible. This poem feels different from your previous works, in a good way. There's a certain quality to it that feels refined and mature. I can feel that you let yourself really write in this one. Perhaps this is a new poetry era for you, who knows?
First off, I am so here for the extended metaphor of the forest. I'm already a sucker for metaphors, and you just made this one hit hard, chem. You wove it throughout the rest of the poem, telling two stories with one poem.
Something interesting I found is that you wrote a very romantic piece, but there's quite a bit of dark imagery in the poem. And, honestly, I can't tell if the "her" of the poem is healing the speaker, or breaking them. Perhaps it's a little bit of both, who knows?
THIS FIRST LINE. This first line. You instantly have my attention. Not to mention the fact that "supine" sounds so much like the name of a tree that I'm already thinking of a forest. Just with the first line, you set the tone and the setting of the poem.
I LOVE this line. You set us up with delicate scenery, then add that last little line at the end to deliver a message. Maybe if we dig deep enough for it, we'll understand that you fell for "her" a long time ago (see what I did there?).
See, this line was where I presumed that "she" was breaking the speaker of the poem. To me, this sounds like a decaying-of-the-body sort of thing. But it could also be taken as a romantic thing---something more akin to a softening.
This sounds like a wound. Later, you write "make her soften in the places i still have scars." So, both "she" and the speaker have similar scars/wounds. Perhaps the two have both been hurt in the same way, and are finding healing through each other. It's interesting how you start the stanza in sort of a morbid way, but by the end of the stanza, we see the two characters finding healing and "softening."
GASP such a powerful ending. You tie together the aspects of pain, AND the romantic aspect of the poem. Honestly, though, I'm still debating on whether this relationship is healing the speaker, or breaking them more. And you know what? That's not a bad thing. That just makes me want to read the poem more.
You used more dark imagery in this poem, and the tone matches that imagery, as well. Both of those aspects make me think that this relationship is breaking the speaker, especially with phrases like "my nerves are rigid these days" and "a branch hit my neck" and "my spine turned to pinecones and acorns" and "she dragged me back through the trees." On the other hand, you use phrases like "love for this girl," "make her soften in the places i still have scars" and "but they will soften just for her." It's a strange duality that keeps me from leaning toward one interpretation of the poem.
One thing I will mention is that you used the phrase "a/the branch hit my neck." I'm not sure if this repetition was intentional or not, but to me, it stood out in a way of "oh, she said that already," rather than an impactful use of repetition. I honestly think that when you're referencing the place "where the branch hit my neck," you could just use the word "neck," or a synonym (if there is one...). As a reader, I would still follow that the speaker's neck is where the branch hit them, and I could still make the connection, even if it's not blatantly stated.
All in all, this poem speaks on both pain and love. You left a lot of interpretation to the reader, and I can't help but think you really wrote this one for yourself, Chem. I can tell you wrote this one for yourself, and it made it that much more impactful. I am astounded by the imagery of this poem, and personally, it's one of my favorites of yours. Well done.
Keep writing.
-Avian
I really love your interpretation! Personally, I meant "where the branch hit my neck" as not a spot on the body but a physical location in the woods. Thank you for the review!! <333
ohhh yeah, that makes a lot more sense haha