Paper

Sometimes, we don't realize that the words we say can really impact someone. I loved this piece. It really showed this idea well. The metaphor of paper as depression shows how the illness is a changing, worsening problem if nothing is done about it. You are great at conveying a heavy topic into something simple that anyone can understand. I thought the length was perfect. It was simple and got right to the point, without adding fluff to lessen the meaning of the story. I didn't catch any errors. Keep writing! You are very talented!

This is a very powerful short story. It shows the gradual evolution of a person and was nice to read. There were a few puntuational errors, however. Some sentences were mashed together with commas instead of being separated. Just try not to run-on your sentences and you'll be good to go! A joy to read with a sentimental premise. I'm excited to hear more from you!

Hello,

Magenta here for a quick review. Well, I must say that this piece is truly amazing. It seems that everyone else has been saying that "considering how small it is". I think that this is the perfect length. I feel that if it were any longer, there wouldn't be as much emotional emphasis in the story and it would probably be too long. It is definitely better this way. I think that this drew in a lot of people and though it may be depressing, things like this happen in the world and we have to be aware of it. The utopian world will never exist, but we can help get close to that. This was simple and I think that added to this piece a lot because using big words and figurative language or anything else would have ruined the beautiful simplicity and message.

There are few places that don't need a comma in them. Like these sentences.

"Paper was sad, and wanted to do something about it."

"They wrote on him some more, and they tore at his delicate corners and scribbled all over his words."

"Suicidal no longer had the courage to speak for himself, and the bullies simply added to the destruction."

Other than that, great job with this piece. I really want to see some more of your amazing work. I think this has a true message.

I loved it! But when I saw "The evolution of Depression" I knew what type of story it would be. It was depressing and sad to read but I liked it because I can relate to it.

This is an awesome piece of writing and I'm sure a lot of other teens could relate to this story.

Awesome job!

I love this! I am super confused by i and I don't understand it at all but that's fine because I'm kind of dumb. I feel like this about cyber bullying. I love how the Poem(?) ends. It really scared me, but anyway, this is super good. I never thought of bullying this way and it's a supes good analogy. I hope it isn't about you, is it?

I'm amazed at this piece. It's short, and I think it needs to be that way. I could go on and on for hours about the same message and it would still not be as resounding as it is here!
The way you symbolized the bullied individual as a paper being written on with those horrible words is so effective.

There are aspects of the succession from Peper to ultimately Suicidal I never really thought about, like how Story needed to vent to others and made his situation seem even worse (if that can be possible) than what he was going through, and because of this, bullies caught on and were able to make his exaggerations a brutal reality. The moral of that, I guess, is when in pain, limit one's venting to a select few trustworthy individuals to ensure your words stay private.

The one part of your story I would suggest wording differently is:

Story always talked about his miserable past with bullies, but exaggerated quite a lot to get attention. The bullies came back after hearing the almost fantasy-like rumors, which Story hadn’t been cautious enough with.

This was really good considering that this was really short. I would suggest maybe adding in more detail. When you're writing its not good to keep repeating the same word. For example, you used suicidal a lot of times in the story. Go back and reword a little bit. Other than that I really enjoyed it.

I have to say, this was very well done for being such a short piece. You really showed how words can become real. The words that people say can come off of the page and become things that are completely out of our control. I think you did an absolutely wonderful job of personifying that. I also liked how you kept the pronouns capitalized and continued that throughout the entire piece.

I also liked your word choice in naming these pronouns. We begin with Paper, a personality that many of us can relate to in a way. He gets bullied and has to have these names metaphorically and physically branded onto his skin, and it's described quite well. We then move on through the phases that one normally goes through when getting bullied. Over-dramatized attention seeker. The saddened individual that becomes more and more depressed. and then we hit the last stop on the train.
Suicide.

There are only two suggestions that you really should take into advisement when revising this piece. First, don't bold the last line. It takes away from the story, and makes it seem a little cliche/melodramatic. Sometimes, formatting does add a feel to the piece and invoke emotion, but it just takes away from the piece here. I really think that you could do without the bold.

Secondly, I think you should consider expanding upon the story a little. I know this is basically flash fiction and that there isn't normally much expansion needed, but I think it would work more as less of a story-telly vibe and more of a third person omniscient narrator way of writing. It would make the character of Paper more reachable to the reader, and would give the reader a little more insight into what made this happen. It wouldn't make things seem so rushed.

Oh, and three, maybe you should consider not using "Once Upon A Time". It might be a little too on the cliche side.

I really enjoyed this piece and I think that with some revision, this could be a really fleshed-out work of fiction.