Young Writers Society

Such a good poem. It captures the sense of I'm in pain with the youthful I'm fine. It works so well.

I'd cut out the part about the salon treatment. It doesn't really contribute to the poem.

"water creeps into your ear canals"

Before the second stanza should have been a intro to where the water imagery came from.

The way you began the first stanza with a reference to water and ended in the last line with an antonym is beautiful.

"your scalp is irritated
from her nagging"

I really like this line, though the word 'is' cut off the rhythmic pattern following the rest of run on lines.So, just omitting it will do.

That's it from me, keep going and GOOD LUCK.

-tcf

I think this poem is about more than:”breaking your arm.” It’s about so much attention,it’s stifling.It’s no longer love,it’s drowning in pain.You don’t have the ability to speak.You just have to let other people decide for you and it’s a waste.You can’t do anything about your own pain.The tension is too much.This was nice to read.I liked it.I hope you have a good day/night.

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!! And a belated welcome to YWS; I hope you're enjoying it here!

I really enjoyed reading this poem!! I think the isolated moment it focused on was really profound and you did such a marvelous job of describing it. The tiny details you wove throughout were really crucial to the overall terse tone of the poem, but the specific words you used made it super unique as well. Nice work!!

My interpretation of this was that the "you" in the poem had broken their arm and then they couldn't shower/bathe themselves because of the cast (I remember my brother broke his elbow when he was younger and we went to the pool but he couldn't swim at all) so the mother of the person has to do it for them. It also seems like there's some tension with the mother figure in the poem; there's definitely a sense of unease.

I think you did a really great job in your diction choices and sensory appeals. That "free salon treatment" was such an accurate descriptor, and I knew exactly what you were talking about right away. The "water creeps into your ear canals" was so vivid, I swore I could hear the way sound does underwater, and that almost cracking/very sharp transition between being underwater and above water. The "jaundiced light bulb" was also a really nice piece of imagery. Great work!!

One thing I will point out is that the lines between stanzas feel a little out of place. If it was because you couldn't get white space between the stanzas because the formatting on this site is a bit tricky, here's a tip: if you just press space around five times in the white space you want, it should save as white space rather than just deleting the line. Along these lines, however, I also thought the transition between the first stanza and the last one felt unnatural; that might've been the goal, but my brain had to kind of reset before I could read it as complete. It's a bold choice to put at the beginning of a poem in my opinion, especially because it might turn away readers if they get confused right away.

Overall: phenomenal job! I really enjoyed reading this poem, and I think your writing style is absolutely fantastic. I hope to read more of your poems on here soon! Until next time!!

Loved it

Hi Crypto!!
I really liked this poem of yours, but I hope you don't mind if I suggest some improvements!! I'll keep it short, I have a million things on my plate anyway, so don't worry about it taking forever haha.
Let's begin,,,


Word Choice & Fathomable Descriptions
~~
The first thing that I noticed while reading was that the narrative aspect seemed awfully vague and difficult to understand. It might only be my comprehension as a reader, but the word choice was magnificent; the only thing that was wrong with it was that it had netted the storyline, making the supposed described interaction exorbitantly poetic and less coherent.
In future works, I'd say keep the vocabulary discretion the same, but also taking into account how the viewer may decipher the words you may use. Consider the grasp and vision of the person reading, and ensure that they will know what the circumstance is offering in that situation and plotline.

This is all subjective, I just think that it could make your poetry just a little more enjoyable to a the consumer than it already might be!!

Fluency & Eloquence
~~
I'm not entirely sure if this was a mistake or not, but I did note that some stanzas cut off in odd places, and it seemed to make the fluency a lot more choppy. Even in the opening few lines, quoted below.

Mother bargains
with the eternal summer.
while